Pretty in Pink is my attempt to make a movie for girls using all the tricks I picked up after ten years of making movies for boys. If any of you guys out there found yourselves oddly attracted to this movie, there’s your reason why. It doesn’t mean you’re gay. It just means you like awesome movies.

The main good guy in this film is a poor, teenage girl played by Molly Ringwald, an actress who even in her happiest moments looks puffed-up and sour like she just got done bawling her eyes out. Like most action heroes, she’s got a little support team to help her along on her quest. One is this little 80’s twerp named Ducky. Ducky is the sidekick character, 100% loyal and 100% in love (in this movie’s case it’s hetero). He’s kind of like Robin, or Short Round, or Charlie Bucket. He really only wants two things out of life: 1) For Molly Ringwald to be happy. 2) For Molly Ringwald to be happy because of great sex with Ducky.

Another common support character is the elderly sage, and Molly Ringwald’s got one of those too. She’s played by Annie Potts, and actress who’s voice ruined New York for me and lots of other sane people I know. Her role is to illustrate to Molly Ringwald some of life’s realities from a “been there, done that” point of view. In an action movie she’d be like a gun dealer or the army guy who trained the hero. Normally a character like this would eventually be dead meat, but dead meat was a no-no for Pretty in Pink. So instead of dying, her arc is to fall in love with some random guy because I’m led to understand that’s what all women are dying to do.

The bad guys are all rich boys. Molly Ringwald falls in love with one of them, which I guess is like deciding she can “save” one of them in an action movie. The guy she chooses though, is kind of like a sidekick himself. There’s actually a bigger bad guy telling him what to do. It’s a real Darth Vader and The Emperor kind of thing. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

This love interest is played by Jenny McCarthy’s little brother, Crazy-Eyes McCarthy. He falls in love with Molly Ringwald, but since he’s rich (evil) he’s afraid of being seen with a poor (good) person and thus alienating the group he’s affiliated with (Russians/Libyans). Ducky’s like, “That dude’s with the evil group!” And Molly Ringwald’s all like, “I think he has good in him.” And Annie Potts is like, “God! I wish I were young again! Avoid regret, kiddo!”

Crazy-Eyes has to deal with his really rich and privileged buddy, Young Donald Trump. Trump tell him to just fuck the poor girl and dump her, which is the girl-movie equivalent of “Go kidnap his daughter.” Crazy-Eyes listens to this advice, deeply conflicted.

At this point, I need to get something off my chest. Why do you ladies even want to be with a guy like this? Yeah, he ends up being “good” by the end of the movie, but, are you kidding me? When the main bad guy tells him to fuck and run, he should get pissed and tell the guy “Fuck you and YOU Run!” But he doesn’t. Instead he just looks at the floor with his inappropriately intense eyeballs. That means he’s considering it! When my daughters watched this movie they all got gooey about how romantic it was. I shut off the TV and took them all downtown for two hours of window shopping at the abortion clinic.

Anyway, she’s still in love with him and he’s still kinda sorta I-don’t-wanna-say-it-aloud in love with her. He even invites her to prom (Vietnam). Ducky keeps telling her that Crazy-Eyes is going to eventually break her heart, and she keeps telling him, “Shut up, Ducky! And stop smelling my underwear whenever I leave the room.” Ducky prances away crying. He runs into Young Donald Trump. In an action movie, Ducky would get killed at this point like Apollo Creed or Rufio, but I thought girls would like it more if Ducky beat the Trump out of Young Donald instead. Someone’s fucking got to. That guy’s an asshole.

Prom is quickly approaching, but guess what. Crazy-Eyes bails on her. She goes home to make her face even more puffy by crying a lot. Then, thanks to a pep talk from Annie Potts, she gets tough and decides to go to prom after all and show him that he can’t hurt her (she decides to go to Vietnam after all and kill this motherfucker).

But, like any good action hero, before she can do that she has to get suited up. Most action heroes have a specific skill they use to kill people, like snapping necks or throwing knifes through foreheads. Because this is a girl movie, Molly Ringwald’s special skill is that she can design clothes. So instead of gathering grenades, ammo clips, and crazy huge knives, her preparation montage involves the tailoring of a Pink prom dress. It may have knocked feminism back a few years, but goddamn does that Molly Ringwald look Pretty in Pink.

She goes to prom, and many wonderful things happen. Crazy-Eyes decides he doesn’t want to be evil anymore, so he kisses (takes a non-lethal bullet for) Molly Ringwald and tells off (stabs in the head with a rifle) Young Donald Trump. “You couldn’t buy her. She thinks you’re shit. And you know she’s right!” These words tear through Trump’s brains like bullets. He has officially been defeated (fucking thrashed).

Molly Ringwald and Crazy-Eyes make out in the parking lot (helicopter ride back to America) and decide to get married. The next day Crazy-Eyes gives away all his money, completing his transition to the side of good. Because this is a happy movie, he never regrets it.

As for Ducky, I wouldn’t feel too sorry for him. Sure, he got the shaft from the woman he loved, defended, and stood by no matter what, but eventually he goes to college and ends up discovering that he’s been a Gay Christian all along. Way to go, Ducky! You finally found someone who loves you back. His name is Jesus and I hear he’s hung like THIS!

(three stars)