me get this straight: Anna Nicole Smith died so that Elie Samaha could honor her with a quickie biopic starring the soon-to-be bride of future NHL Hall of Famer Mike Modano? Yep. Makes perfect sense to me.

The former dry cleaner, whose erstwhile Franchise Pictures terrorized moviegoers for years with such trauma-inducing vanity projects as Battlefield Earth, Driven, Get Carter, Angel Eyes and Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, has finally burrowed deep enough into the Hollywood scum to discover the project he was spawned from Moloch to produce: Anna Nicole. Fittingly (at least according to Wikipedia), news of this very deliberately developed project – which is scheduled to begin shooting next fucking week!!! – was broken on The Insider by drunk dialer extraordinaire, Pat O’Brien. This sucker just stinks of class.

Anna Nicole will mark what appears to be the acting debut of pop star Willa Ford-Modano (i.e. if you don’t count the 2006 Lingerie Bowl), which should be good for a laugh or two, and will be directed by Keoni Waxman, who’s worked with all the greats: Lundgren, Wasson, Priestley, Madsen and Garrett Morris. The script will begin with Anna Nicole’s years as a Guess Jeans model and probably conclude postmortem with her daughter Dannielynn being awarded to a professional extra like he just won the Publisher’s Clearinghouse sweepstakes. It’s sure to be heartwarming stuff. And if it actually sees a theatrical release, it looks like it’ll be the first of Waxman’s ten features to do so.