, I think Judd Apatow is doing to comedy what James Caan did to Playboy Playmates in the 1970s, but I have no freakin’ idea who Ed Helms is. Apparently, he plays Andy Bernard on The Office. Cool. How much of a philistine am I for not watching The Office? That much? Really? Is all that profanity necessary? Hm. For the record, my mom’s name isn’t Stanley, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to sit here and listen to you run her down like she’s a distempered raccoon scrambling across I-95. Seriously, man. No reason to be dick about it.

Apatow claims Helms is a "national treasure", which puts him on par with the Declaration of Independence, The Alamo and Season One of Mama’s Family. Whatever this dude got, he got it good enough to get his pitch, A Whole New Hugh, bought by Universal, which will have to wait for Helms as he completes his sentence to Brian Robbins’s Starship Dave; after he’s done performing indentured servitude to that talentless sack of shit, the studio will decide whether they want to greenlight his project about "three guys who try to boost their friend’s confidence by making him appear to be successful". That’s tough. I don’t wish Brian Robbins on my worst enemies. Well… maybe Johnny Bench, but that’s a long story.

Looking over his filmography, Helms doesn’t come off as a lightweight; aside from The Office, he’s been on The Daily Show, The Colbert Report and Arrested Development. I’ve seen worse credentials. I’ve also seen The Five Heartbeats in Cantonese. And, you know, it’s a completely different movie. Leon verily jumps off the screen and demands you service him. It’s as if he never whupped up on Stallone in Cliffhanger.

There is no start date for A Whole New Hugh, but Apatow could probably convince Universal to bankroll a shot-for-shot remake of Salo at this point, so just consider it a done deal.