far Dane Cook has been like a cold sore: irritating and unsightly, but not that serious an issue. In fact it seemed like he may have already peaked with his aggressively unpleasant reality show, Tourgasm, especially after his big starring effort, Employee of the Month, sank away.

Except that sometimes what you think is just a cold sore turns out to be a present from that skank you slept with after doing all of those Jagermeister shots after your buddy’s 30th birthday. Yes, I am saying that Dane Cook may be the pop culture equivalent of herpes. His new movie, Good Luck Chuck, certainly looks like it could give you a disease.

The premise is that every woman who sleeps with Dane Cook ends up hating themselves in the morning… wait, that’s reality. In the movie every woman who sleeps with Dane Cook ends up immediately finding and marrying her true love, so he suddenly becomes the most sought-after bedmate in town. But then he meets a woman he really likes, and must resist sleeping with her or else lose her to her own true love (how much do you want to bet that by the end they get it on and… he’s her true love? Sorry if I spoiled that for you). It actually sounds like the kind of movie Patrick Dempsey would have made in the 80s, to be honest.

The trailer is available here, and it’s only worth watching if you’re doing penance for skipping Easter Mass or if you want to see Jessica Alba, who plays the girl Cook loves, in her panties. I’m not going to tell you when this piece of shit opens because I don’t want you to go see it, but even so I bet it’ll make more money than Grindhouse and Zodiac combined. Fuck you in advance, America.