So, for
whatever reason, i have no objectivity when it comes to Hellboy. I love
the first movie probably way more than I should. I’ve seen it almost
twenty times. I have a Hellboy sized blindspot, and I acknowledge that. But I will try and be as objective as I can in reviewing Hellboy 2.

Hellboy 2 is
the crowning cinematic, nay, cultural, achievement of humankind. When
the earth is uninhabitable and destroyed, and alien travelers come to
visit our ruins, I hope they find a dvd copy of Hellboy 2, for then
they will know what a civilization we had. And they will cry. At the
part where the elemental dies. And they will say “This race really did
do a number on their planet, but the fact that they made Hellboy 2
makes up for all the evil and strife and pain that they put themselves
through.” And then they will find a copy of Biodome, and say “Hey this
Pauly Shore guy is pretty funny.” The aliens have a Pauly Shore sized
blindspot, for some reason.

So, yeah, I’m being totally objective.

Here are three reasons why I love Hellboy 2: The Golden Army.

Hellboy is a great character.

To me,
Hellboy is the most interesting superhero in comic books. He is a mess
of contradictions. A Big muscular man who is just a little boy on the
inside.A horrifying monster sent to destroy humanity, but ends up becoming a loving human being. He wants to be a cowboy and stand alone, but what he really wants is to be accepted by Liz, and by everyone else. He just wants to fit in. Unlike Spiderman, Hellboy can never take his mask off and
know what it feels to be human, to not be stared at. That’s why the
scene in the Troll Market is so cool. For the first time in his life,
he is out in the open, and no one is staring at him. And right after
that scene, he is faced with the big decision. Does he side with
humans, or with the monsters? Which brings us to:

The monsters are super fucking cool.

Del Toro’s
monsters don’t feel just like monsters who have leapt into the frame;
they feel like they have lived real lives. They have scars, and broken
nails, and chipped tooths. The new Star Wars movies have these glossy
shiny aliens, but the monsters here are messy and ugly. But I want to
know what they were doing before the movie started. Fucking Cathedral
Head! I would watch a whole movie about him. I wanna see him cramming
for exams, I wanna see him at the grocery store getting milk. I wanna
see him getting his head renovated. Do you think he decorates it for
the holidays? I wanna see a plastic santa on his head. Oh, and that
awesome elemental “monster” is great. I actually got a little teary
eyed when Wink bites it. The monsters in this one are kind of the good
guys. Del Toro manages to humanize a creature with a talking tumor.

Liz is a great character.

Her character in the first movie is tryign to figure out where she belongs, too. She
looks human, but she knows that she is not. Does she stay with Hellboy,
and embrace her monsterness, or does she leave BPRD and try and live a
normal life? Her decision is made clear in the beautiful scene where
she engulfs herself in flames to stand with Hellboy as cops point guns
at him. Don’t tell me to get away from the monster. I belong with him.
Also, she looks pretty good. Selma Blair. Yeah, she’s kind of

The movie is
wonderful. The action is great, the monsters are great, the themes are
developed and handled in a very satisfying way. Go see it. If you think
it sucks, you need to get your head renovated.