I hate my kids. I’m not sure how many of the little bastards I have anymore, but they all wander around the house, making fun of my age and treating me like King Lear when I don’t give them enough spending money. I wish they’d just die or go away, but it rarely happens. Everytime one gets old enough, another little fucker comes along to ruin my next two decades. Of all my children, the only ones I like are the ones I don’t know about.

Since everyone I know feels this way, I figured it was fertile ground for an adult-themed horror film. What could be scarier than a cute little parasite who obsessively loves you and will never grow up? Pretty much nothing. The only runner-up I came up with was about a tax collector who goes around killing people that don’t file by April 15th. Since most people would rather pay money than lose eighteen years of their life, I opted for the Forever Kid idea.

So we’re in the future and some gravel-voiced ex-hippie is showing his workers the company’s new Blowjob Bot model. This is a robot made to approximate the hottest chick ever. Her area of expertise is self-explanatory. And awesome. The guy explains that, while their Blowjob Bots have been a huge success, it’s had a devastating effect on the world’s population because 99% of men out there can now get what they want without having to watch Sex in the City or do dishes.

“We created this problem,” he says. “We can’t reverse it, but we have a responsibility to fix it.” Because he’s a sexist pig, his plan to appease the neglected women of the world has nothing to do with a Cunnilingus Bot, and instead focuses on the myth that women would rather have children than fun. “Men get their blowjobs, women get their children. Everyone’s happy!” One of the lackeys asks him how the robot kid can successfully replace a real kid. “Our kid,” he responds, “will actually know how to love.” They all clap and quietly thank God they all have Blowjob Bots at home instead of this crazy shit.

They whip up a prototype and give it to a couple that actually wants to procreate together. Their first attempt ended up comatose after playing Halo 3 for two weeks straight with no food or bathroom breaks. But when they get the robot kid, it only takes about five minutes for them to feel weirded out and uncomfortable. He follows them around the house constantly saying, “I love you Mommy!” regardless of which parent he’s talking to. When they kiss him on the forehead it’s like rubbing their lips on cold rubber, and his Terminator hugs fucking hurt! After two days of no privacy, they say “I’m all done pretending this piece of shit is an actual kid” and start fucking and shitting in front of him cause he’s just a robot and who cares. In this vein, they also make him do their chores and lock him in a closet with a muffling pillow taped to his face when his services are not needed.

The robot boy doesn’t mind any of this mistreatment, because it seems to make his parents happy and that’s his number one concern. Day after day, he’s eager and ready to love them, even though it’s clear they don’t love him back. Eventually his love grows so strong that he breaks out of the closet and hunts them down. They try to bind him with leather straps, but he breaks through. They try chains. He breaks through those too. When they order him to go away, his love protocol overrides his obey parents protocol at ever turn. When they go to the store, he runs beside their car the entire way, smiling like an idiot. “I love you Mommy! I love you Mommy!”

Fed up, they decide it’s time to get rid of it, an act that must be performed with dignity and sensitivity. They take him to the Grand Canyon, tell him his shoe is untied, and kick his metal ass off the cliff when he bends over. Afterward, they drive home and have the best sex of their lives. Then the husband buys a Blowjob Bot and they get divorced.

But the little robot boy is not programmed to stop loving. After hearing the story of Pinocchio, he decides to win his parents back by becoming a real boy. To do this, he must track down the magical Blue Fairy, which might take a while cause he/she/it doesn’t fucking exist (this is the future, and the Blue Man Group has long disbanded).

He does his best to track down info. First he stops at a carnival where the fun is derived from killing as many robots as possible in the most horrible ways one can imagine. He escapes this by being cute, and gets data on where he can get some more data from a robot named Data. This takes him to the city where every robot is a prostitute just like God intended. Here, thanks to a computer program that’s far too hyper and annoying for any human to comprehend, he learns that a Blue Fairy lies at the bottom of the ocean, so he ties a cement brick to his foot and gets to it.

He finds the Blue Fairy, but she’s just a statue. He doesn’t know that though, so he sits there staring at her for 2000 years, long enough to miss the extinction of humans, the coming of a new ice age, and Christopher Nolan’s The Dark Knight.

Anorexic robots from the future’s future find him and dig him out of the ice. They think he’s the shit because he looks like a human and they’re obsessed with where they came from. They hope to cut him up and find answers that may help them finally write the future’s future robot version of Alex Haley’s Roots. To show their appreciation for involuntarily giving up his body for science, they read his mind and discover his greatest wish: to see his mommy again. Shrugging, they bring her back from the dead, something they can apparently do all the time. They tell him, “This is actually a pretty mean thing to do. Our data tells us she’s in heaven. It’s nice there. She may be hesitant to leave.” The boy just waives them off. “She’ll be happy to see me. We’re in love! Trying to kill me was an accident!”

When she wakes up, she sees the robot boy and screams. He covers her mouth and hugs her at tight as he can. “I’ll never let you go again, Mommy!” And he doesn’t, even when her popped-out eyeballs roll down his face. After she decomposed in his arms, he asks, “Can you bring her back again?” The future robots all look at each other. “Uh…yeah. We guess so.”

Over and over her RIP is violated. His love for her is so strong that it tortures her for the rest of eternity. This is what it’s like to have kids. Get a Blowjob Bot instead. I hear there’s a way to hack them so they work for women too.

(three stars)