Stupidity has run rampant in our country. Even our great president is kind of a knucklehead. I find this to be a very tragic turn of events. Not because I feel sorry for us smart people, but because I know how bad is sucks to be stupid. I got hit in the head once. It made me dumb for twenty-four very educational hours.

All humans have dignity, no matter how much they prefer checkers to chess. But stupid people don’t get treated well because stupidity is something you’re supposed to be able to avoid, like fatassness and stuff smoking. The idea is, we don’t make fun of retarded people because their brains are stupid on accident, but we CAN make fun of stupid people because their brains are retarded on purpose. Well, whoever came up with that bit of bullshit is fucking stupid. An idiot moron can’t help being a stupid idiot anymore than you can help being an eggheaded jackass, you moron.

Some guys make movies about black people. Some guys make movies about homos. Some homos make movies about women. I wanted to make a movie about the plight of ding-dongs, or the “think challenged” as I like to call them. Not just the dumb, but the dumber as well. Some guy once said, “Don’t give me shit till you’ve walked a mile in my shoes.” In this case, the shoes are velcro.

Dumb is a guy who loves people because he isn’t smart enough to see what assholes they are. Because he’s stupid, he works as a limo driver and chit-chats with rich brainiacs who ride limos because they don’t want to fuck around with imbeciles in the first place. See? If he were smart he’d be a cab driver. Just in case the audience was too stupid to pick up on this, we also gave him a bowl cut, a chipped tooth, and a shirt that says “Who farted?”

Dumb’s luck changes when a beautiful rich lady gets out of his dreams and into his limo. As he drives her to the airport, he falls more and more in love with her snappy wit. For instance, he says, “Nice day, eh Lady?” and she goes, “Why don’t you blow it out of your ass, faggot?” Because he didn’t have the best dad in the world, he mistakes this open aggression for foreplay. After annoying her to the point where she jumps out of the moving car two miles ahead of schedule, Dumb notices she left a briefcase full of money in the back seat. Then he hits a parked building and gets fired.

Dumb has a roommate named Dumber. This guy doesn’t like people as much because he never got passed that childhood point of loving animals. He makes an exception for Dumb though, because Dumb reminds him of a three-legged puppy dog. Unfortunately for domesticated animals of the world, Dumber has a tendency to hug cute things until stuff oozes out of both ends. You might think this is funny. Don’t you realize how fucking tragic it is?! The guy constantly kills the only thing he loves. Anyone who laughs at this outta donate sperm to that Clone Hitler project they’re doing over at Apple. Anyway, he gets fired for doing this to a van full of stolen poodles, and the two stupid heads come home at the same time to bitch about their income-ending day.

Dumb has some good news, though. He tells Dumber about the girl he met and how much they fell in love and how he’s going to marry her and how all their kids are going to be presidents and how big her boobs are. Dumber is impressed. “Will she have my kids, too?” he asks. “Fuck yes!” says Dumb. “But your kids can only be Press Secretaries.” So they look at the bag of money, find the address, ask their elderly black neighbor to read it to them, (Morgan Freeman cameo) and head to Colorado.

Meanwhile, God realizes what a mistake he made with these two idiots and sends a hitman down to erase his drunken doodle. The hitman has a hard time finding Dumb and Dumber because they don’t do things normal people do, like make phone calls or know how to use a credit card. He hitchhikes from town to town and, as luck would have it, eventually gets picked up by Dumb and Dumber themselves. At first he thinks he’s just been giving the golden cow on a golden platter. All they wanna do is have fun and make simple bodily function jokes, and he doesn’t get too much of that in heaven. But things take a turn for the worse when Dumber sees his gun, mistakes it for a water pistol, shoves it up the hitman’s ass as a joke, and blows up his poop. “Whoops.” They rest his body on a Taco Bell toilet and continue their quest to get married. God, previously ashamed, is now somewhat impressed. He makes popcorn and settles in to see what happens next.

Soon they make it to Colorado and find the girl. She screams and tries to run away, but they’ve already locked all the doors and windows because they didn’t want their all-day hump fest to be interrupted. As they back her into a corner, Dumb and Dumber start arguing about who gets to go first. Dumb says, “I’m the one who found her!” Dumber retorts, “I did all the driving! And paid for everything! And was better at it all those times we practiced!”

Dumb concedes on this point, and offers Dumber a drink to his victory. Of course, he drugged the drink with enough laxatives to turn an elephant inside out. As Dumber runs upstairs to poop for two hours, Dumb moves in for the kill. “Is there any chance you and I could get married someday?” he asks. Though scared, she replies with strength, “I’d say the chances of that are about one in a million.” This warms Dumb’s heart. “So you’re saying I’ve got a chance!”

“No!” she screams. “You don’t have a chance! You fucking idiot! Don’t you understand? I will never be with you and have your president babies! You’re an idiot! You’re a stupid idiot! And your chipped tooth makes me want to barf!” He bows his head in understanding. “I see. I’m sorry I bothered you.” To the tune of “Mmm, Mmm, Mmm, Mmm” by the Crash Test Dummies, the heartbroken Dumb walks away, maybe a little smarter.

The lady breathes a sigh of relief, thankful to have so narrowly escaped rape and murder. But then she turns around and screams as Dumber steps from the shadows, whispers “You’re cute,” and proceeds to hug her until stuff oozes out of both ends.

At this point, something unexpected happens. Dumber wipes down all his fingerprints (including the buttprint he left on the toilet). He spreads around stuff that belongs to Dumb, calls the police, and says they need to be looking out for a very stupid man with bowl cut hair and a chipped front tooth. He then takes the bag of money and sets the house on fire. After walking a couple miles he gets picked up by a bus load of hot women who want to hire him for their daily erotic rub downs. He gets in and is happy ever after. Dumb gets arrested and executed. God pulls out a revolver and shoots his tv.

The moral is, be nice to stupid people. None of them deserve your scorn, and some of them are faking.

(three stars)