I have 498 movies in my Netflix Instant queue. I tend to watch one thing for every five that I add, but now my library is close to being full and I have to make room. So, every Monday I’m going to pick a random movie out of my queue and review the shit out of it. But (like Jesus), I’m also thinking of you and your unwieldy queue and all the movies in it you want to watch but no longer have the time to now that you’ve become so awesome and popular. Let me know what has been gathering digital dust in your Netflix Instant library and I’ll watch that, too. One Monday for you and the next for me and so on. Let’s get to it.

What’s the movie? The Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence

What’s it rated? Unrated for dozens of head injuries, gallons of shit splattering on faces and mouths and pretty much any (and every) vile thing you can imagine.

Did people make it? Written and Directed by Tom Six. Acted by Laurence R. Harvey, Ashlynn Yennie, Bill Hutchens, Peter Blankenstein, Vivien Bridson and Katherine Templar.

What’s it like in one sentence? Absolutely everything you were afraid the first one was going to be before you were surprised by its restraint.

Why did you watch it? Friend and Chewer Morgan P. Salvo called me out because I hadn’t seen either movie and I consider myself a horror fanatic. He even came over to my house to watch it with me because he’s nice like that.

What’s it about in one paragraph? Martin (Harvey) loves the movie Human Centipede. He loves it so much that all he ever thinks about is making his own centipede, but with 12 people. Once he gets himself a warehouse, there’s really no stopping him.

"Does this body make me look fat?"

Play or remove from my queue? Nope. Not answering that question for you. I would say play it, but you know what kind of person you are and whether you can take this kind of ocular assault. Plus, I think if you wanted to see this, you already would have by now (Unless you took the same stance that I did, which was basically fuck this movie). Everything I read about it made sure to mention that it was devoid of any suspense or any reason to exist outside of Tom Six’s masturbatory fantasies. What I enjoyed about the first one (aside from the fantastic performance by Dieter Laser) was the steady ratcheting up of suspense and the few sequences that had me on the edge of my seat. If the sequel was devoid of anything worthwhile and was just focused on the ass-to-mouth aspect of the story, then why the hell would I want to subject myself to that? I can now definitely answer that Human Centipede 2 is definitely more focused on the ass-to-mouth than the original, but that’s not all it has on its mind, either.

In a way, Laurence R. Harvey is just as powerful in the lead as Dieter Laser was in the first. He doesn’t have the Udo Kier-ian presence that Laser had, but he does bring something special to the film: an absolutely alien quality that cannot be imitated or copied by anyone else, ever. He doesn’t seem like he’s an actor and when I looked him up after finishing the movie, I was surprised and a little disappointed that he was just a nice guy who had done street performing, a children’s television show and some theater throughout his career. I was hoping Tom Six found him in an Eastern European mental institution covered in feces and bugs, not through some fucking agent. Harvey might not get any work after this (and after Human Centipede 3: Final Sequence comes out), but he has created an indelible screen villain that will last. Oh, and he never says a single word the entire film. He only giggles and squee’s and makes some of the weirdest noises I’ve ever heard on film.

The thing that I found the most disturbing about this film is that Martin is just a parking garage attendant. He’s no fucking doctor. So when he’s got a dozen people that he banged on the head and took back to his creepy warehouse (including Ashlynn Yennie, the rear piece of the centipede from the original, playing herself), it’s hard to imagine how he thinks he’s going to successfully create a 12 person centipede. Well, he doesn’t. He’s crazy as shit and when he starts cutting into everyone (after knocking all their fucking teeth out), it’s pretty terrifying to watch as he uses his rusty old tools and his shaky hands to try and copy something Dr. Heiter did with precision and sterility in the first film. Part of the “fun” of this movie is watching a guy in waaay over his head try and pull something off that’s pretty far outside of his skill set.

The final 40 minutes of the film are primarily focused on watching him build the centipede and then get disappointed because two people die and he has to be satisfied with only ten people in his fucking horrible chain of ass-to-mouth prisoners. The black and white photography throughout all of this is gorgeous and Tom Six really knows how to frame a shot, but I still found myself looking away pretty frequently during this section, while my friend Morgan P. Salvo giggled elsewhere in the room, disturbingly reminding me of Martin. His laughing slowly brought me around to looking at the movie again and by the time Martin had injected everyone in the chain with stool softener and they were blasting diarrhea into each other’s faces and mouths (the poo is in color!), I found myself laughing, as well. Here’s what Morgan had to say about the whole ordeal…

Seeing how I feel somewhat responsible for Jared’s torment of viewing both Human Centipedes by my double dare on his site, I decided to watch HC2 with him so in case he missed his barf bag I could laugh even harder. Revolting, repulsive, disgusting, and sickening Centipede 2 is probably my favorite consistently funny comedy since The Shining. Where the fuck did they get Laurence R. Harvey? Okay Jared says a street performer but holy shit this guy RULES! Not only is he shameless in exposing us to his enormous belly and walking around in his underpants, he has a completely mesmerizing aura. He manages to go through this entire movie without a word of dialogue just emanating insane noises like baby cackling or cat strangling. And sure Centipede 2 is super sick, ridiculously gross and highly implausible but it really works. Favorite parts: the amnesia stick AKA crowbar, the choice to deviate from black and white footage to lovely splattering brown-you know what I’m talking about… and just the sheer wrecked tension it builds by tricking you into thinking it just might not get too gross. Think again. C2 takes the word shit to a whole new level. Remember the first one had a diabolical/evil/scientist/doctor creepy genius. This one just has a simpering obese dolt with tool-shed appliances to deal with. Seriously the best part is the fact that this flick is not for everyone and you can honestly tell them that. Make sure the squeamish people you care about avoid this one and the sick fucks that like their movies arty, warped and disgusting beyond redemption (you know, the ones that you really care about) make double sure they see this. It’s everything you thought the first one was going to be and a lot more nauseatingly so. And it’s fucking hilarious.    

I think I have to agree with him on most of his points, especially his amnesia stick. He whacks more heads with crowbars in the film than I thought could be physically possible and, in a one take where he walks around his warehouse and whacks 12 people on the head in random order, it starts becoming funnier and funnier. By the end of the film I didn’t care about Tom Six’s meta commentary about the media’s apparent fear that people would view the first Human Centipede and try it themselves, or about how the entire film was really just a giant “Fuck You” to his critics and detractors. I just wanted to see crazy as hell Martin make weird baby noises while removing people’s teeth or rub his belly while watching the star of Human Centipede: First Sequence brick in someone’s mouth. It’s the little things, you know?

He was on a kids show! Just sayin.

Do you have a favorite line? Martin’s psychiatrist (whilst in the middle of a blowjob) wistfully thinks about Martin and says “I’d rather fuck that retarded boy, but this’ll do”. I made a Martin giggle after that.

Do you have an interesting fun-fact? Tom Six and Laurence Harvey both hate cheese. You’re welcome.

What does Netflix say I’d like if I like this? Chop (In my queue. I’m digging the Bloody Disgusting releases so far), Masters of Horror: Jenifer (Wasn’t a fan of this one), Santa Sangre (Still haven’t seen this), Don’t Torture a Duckling (Unseen Fulci) and Vampire Girl Vs. Frankenstein Girl (I really don’t want to watch this).

What does Jared say I’d like if I like this? The work of Takashi Miike. Poo.

What is Netflix’s best guess for Jared? 2.3

What is Jared’s best guess for Jared? 3.0

Can you link to the movie? Sure!

Any last thoughts? Another scene that had me rolling was when Martin’s mother (who hates him and resents him for getting her husband sent to prison for molesting him) just walks into his room and starts stabbing the bed with a butcher knife, assuming Martin is sleeping there. He was actually standing over in the corner of the room for some reason and flicks on the light, looking all hurt that mommy tried to snuff him. It’s a brilliantly subversive moment, acted and directed in a way that lets us in on the joke without drawing attention to the absurdity of it all.

Did you watch anything else this week? Cabin in the Woods (better than the hype) and The Raid (so badass it hurts the heart). I’ve mostly been reading The Man in the High Castle by Phillip K. Dick and loving every word of it.

Any spoilerish thoughts about last week’s film, The Human Centipede: First Sequence? In all of the filmic ways, Human Centipede 1 is far superior to Human Centipede 2. It’s intense and very suspenseful, while being tasteful and relatively classy. Human Centipede 2 is sprawling and random and scattered, but in a fascinating and hypnotizing way. All in all, I hate to say it, but I enjoyed Human Centipede 2 more than the first for its complete lack of self-seriousness and bat shit, balls-to-the-wall sense of fun. The biggest thing I learned from watching both of these movies is that I hate myself and am probably not a good person on the inside. And that mouth pooing doesn’t bother me as much as it should.

Next Week? A Town Called Panic!

Now with babies!