Lucy “Xena” Lawless, who’s recently played a Cylon on Battlestar Galactica and one of the best FBI agents ever in the history of badass FBI agents on Veronica Mars, has joined the cast of ABC’s Football Wives, the much-hyped adaptation of the British soap about dudes who like to play with their balls. Lawless plays Tanya, who was the resident smart, ruthless woman who speaks her mind on that show (read: “bitch”). I am completely out of football jokes, soccer jokes, and Supertrain references, so you’re on your own for this one, THUD reader.
Speaking of Battlestar Galactica, that show’s co-executive producer David Eick has found his Bionic Woman. British soap star Michelle Ryan will play the tennis pro implanted with 50 million dollars worth of bionic technology after an accident. Mr. Eick could not be reached for comment, so THUD turned to resident girlwatcher Dr. Todd Quinlan of Sacred Heart Hospital for his thoughts on Ms. Ryan. Dr. Quinlan? “I heard she was good on EastEnders. I’d like to get a good look at her East End!” Na-na-na-na-na-na five, Todd. Na-na-na-na-na-na five indeed.
There’s been some talk on the CHUD Message Boards recently about the enduring hotness of certain older women, and the former Wonder Woman, Lynda Carter, was among those frequently mentioned. Well, I’m sorry, guys, but if you want your latest Lynda Carter fix, you’re going to have to tune into the mythology-busting shit sandwich that is Smallville. (Except whenever the totally awesome John Glover is on.) Carter will play the long-absentee mother of Alison Mack’s Chloe “Not Lois” Sullivan, and it remains to be seen how many stupid in-jokes are going to be made over the course of the episode. (Chloe: “Gee, Mom, you came back after abandoning me. You’re such a wonderful woman.” Smallville fanboys: “OMGLOLBESTTHINGEVERFIRST!”)
From The Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. How Did We Miss This One? Whenever tv nerds get together to debate such things as the Greatest Miniseries of All Time, the 1989 CBS adaptation of Larry McMurtry’s Pulitzer Prize winning novel Lonesome Dove often gets the number 1 or 2 spot. (The correct answer, however, is Angels in America.) McMurtry wrote three additional novels with the Lonesome Dove characters, and two of them were filmed for CBS miniseries as well. The un-filmed book, Comanche Moon, is coming to CBS this spring, and it’s written and executive produced by McMurtry along with his partner Diana Ossana. (The pair previously wrote a little picture you might have heard of called Brokeback Mountain.) Chronologically, Moon is the second in the Lonesome Dove quartet, focuses on cowboys Gus McCrea and Woodrow Call back when they were middle-aged Texas Rangers in the wild wild west, and features the kind of cast that’s become typical for these productions. Check it out: Karl Urban as Woodrow and Steve Zahn as Gus. Adam Beach. Elizabeth Banks. Wes Studi. Val Kilmer. Rachel Griffiths. Linda Cardellini. Graham Greene. That, my friends, is what you call a cast.
Jimmy Smits, aka the Presidential candidate who won because the writers felt bad for him on The West Wing, will headline and executive produce a new drama about a Latino family for CBS. Smits plays Alex Vega, an outsider who is given control of a wealthy rum company by the family’s mostly-dead patriarch. I’m betting Smits encounters backstabbing, poor finances, sexual trysts, unspoken secrets, death, murder, and the biggest question of them all: why is the rum gone?
Last Call with Carson Daly is the kind of late-night talk show that inspires two reactions in people. The first is an “oh, how is that still on?” kind of reaction. For those of us who have, from time to time, watched Daly’s perpetual exercise in how to be unfunny and full of yourself at the same time, the reaction is more like “dumb, but harmless.” That is until Daly stars shooting his mouth off in the press about how he wants to take over the Late Night slot when Conan O’Brien starts hosting The Tonight Show in 2009. Which, in turn, you could chalk up to delusions of grandeur, but not until you realize that NBC is stupid enough to actually do it. If there are any execs at NBC who are reading this, let me sum up: You would be giving a show previously hosted by David Letterman and Conan O’Brien, both of whom made the show their own and, in turn, became their generation’s talk-show host of choice (although Conan’s tied with Jon Stewart) to a man best known for being dumped in the media by Jennifer Love Hewitt. Think about that when Carson’s people start to “position him” to assume the throne. (Also, he is painfully unfunny.)
Today’s update marks the third week of THUD News Roundups and it’s been a lot of fun so far. In honor of this auspicious occasion, I want to kick off the First THUD TV Speculation Contest Of Absolutely No Consequence. Here it is: Recently, Grey’s Anatomy creator Shonda Rhimes broke the news that famous dead guy heart patient Denny Duquette (super badass Jeffery Dean Morgan) would be appearing on the show later this season, but that it wouldn’t be in a dream sequence or as a ghost. Your challenge, should you choose to accept it, is to send me the best idea you’ve got for Duquette’s return. Statue? Zombie? John Winchester? Judah Botwin? The best entries will be printed in a future column. Send your wild speculations to firstname.lastname@example.org with the header DENNYS DEAD. (I, personally, am pulling for Denny to be the angel that guides Meredith Grey into heaven after she drowns in the ocean…except he turns out to be a demon and Meredith is doomed to hell for being so goddamn annoying. And also for crying during sex.)