Way back in the old days (for example, here) I used to do a thing called ‘CHUD Slang’. It got tiring for me, but I enjoy the concept. That was three or four years ago. Now, I have a new thing I want to run past you. The CHUD Deli Menu, the vibe of which most of you will get off the bat. If you dig it, I’ll continue it. If you treat it with indifference, so will I. Here is your very first installment. Hope you dig it.

Welcome to the eatery, where the food is served pipin’ hot and the waitresses are shaved and willing. I’m your chef, Master Nicky Nunziata. I have a degree at the Lovecraft Culinary Institute and I studied under Grand Cookery King Lucifuge himself. You will leave us well-fed and stinking of sex, that I assure you. Today’s specials are:

The Strathairn: The best tasting sandwich on the menu but with the least garnish, often overlooked as customers gravitate to fancier sandwiches. $5

The Paris: A fake plastic sandwich merchandised amongst the real ones.

The Anna Nicole: Same as above, except dead.

The Chin: A little more overcooked than it used to be but still somewhat tasty.

The Bay: Lard encrusted with Pop Rocks served over a bed over ziti noodles laced with propane and matchsticks, sending controlled explosions across the palate. Garnished with roses, baby’s breath, and centerfolds.

The Del Toro: Served
large, it decreases in size, somehow getting more delicious as it does.
Served with a side of pickled embryo on a XXL black t-shirt.

The K. Holmes: A petite, meaty sandwich that will pretend to be a vegetarian sandwich for the right price.

The J. Holmes: A sandwich with a huge, diseased cock.

The Sizemore: A hot meal! Starts off nice and smooth with potential, but shits in your mouth after the 11th bite. $20 after $10 refund

The L. Jackson: Motherfuck you, you fucking motherfucking sandwich. Served with Kangol. $9

The Billy Ray Valentine: A perfectly good sandwich that gets drenched in latex halfway through the meal and gouges your eyes out.

The Eli: Proclaimed as a master of sandwiches before it’s even prepared.

The Raimi: Your favorite sandwich from your youth served on a golden plate. Served in Tapert sauce and served with a T. Raimi and an I. Raimi. Note: Do not photograph this sandwich unless in a suit and tie.

The Soderbergh: A really plain looking sandwich that ends up tasting like heaven, and by the time you finish, another sandwich appears on your plate. $15

The Pitt: The sexiest manwich in America.

The Clooney: The sexiest manwich in America.

The Foster: The sexiest manwich in America. $11

The Forster: The best sandwich to combat the evil Dr. Reinhardt with.

Discuss this new Leak Feature here.