Note from Nick: The Newsletter resumes its weekly magic and madness next Thursday. Plan everything in your life and your loved ones’ lives accordingly. Here’s a quick hello from our new gentleman, Joe Lavers… The following may or may not make a whole lot of sense. Read at your own risk.

big news of the day is that Anna Nicole Smith finally gave up. And you
know what, I don’t blame the poor woman. Her life was a Greek tragedy,
destined to be screwed up from the beginning. But that’s no excuse for
such a massive news media "investigation." I just turned to CNN for a
moment and actually saw Larry King ask some reporter to describe what
it’s like inside the morgue. And then said reporter went on to tell me
that they have Smith’s body locked up somewhere in the back just in
case someone tries to steal the corpse. This as a break between the
constant questioning of "how do you think she died?" and "what will
happen to the baby?"

You know what? Who cares!

Leave her alone and go back to reporting on what’s important—missing white girls.
alone has TEN links directing you to "fan photos," "Gabor’s husband: I
may be Smith baby’s father," and "Smith’s death not drugs, not foul
play so far." That last headline is what really irks me; more
specifically the last two words: so far. These words will be everywhere
for the next two weeks. And rumors and gossip will abound for years.
Evidence? Here’s CNN’s current poll: "Do you see parallels between the
lives and deaths of Marilyn Monroe and Anna Nicole Smith?"

Yes, I do. Both were blond bombshells. Both were fantasy sex
objects for men the world over. Both were presented as ditzy airheads.
And neither of their acting careers were taken seriously. Oh, and they
both died mysteriously in their late 30s. But the tragedy of Smith’s
life is that she never reached the height of Monroe. Her name might be
as well known, but not for the same reasons. No, Smith was well known
because she married an already dead guy and had to battle that guy’s
60-year-old son for the estate. Then, after giving birth to a girl, her
own son dies a few days later. She gains weight, loses weight, gains
weight again all under the scrutiny of a laughing public.

And then the public moved on.

All Smith wanted was to
be the next Marilyn Monroe. But that’s the problem. To be the next
Monroe is to court ridicule and the billion-man gaze of ogling eyes and
dropped jaws. And pure tragedy. So, just for the media to ask if her
life paralleled Monroe’s is proof enough that she has achieved her
goal. Or is it? We just don’t know…so far. See, there it is. I used
those two dangerous little words. Now I’m speculating like everyone
else. And the fact that you’ve read this all the way to here is proof
of our never-ending obsession with tragedy and humiliation. We’ll know
in the next decade if she’s the next Monroe. But until that moment
comes, until we know for sure, please just drop the charade.

The second biggest story of the day is that CHUD is bringing
back the newsletter. And I can already see the next CNN poll: "Do you
see parallels between the lives and deaths of Anna Nicole Smith and the
Sewer Chewer newsletter?"

Yes, I do. Both are ogled by nerdy adolescents, one for sex,
the other for entertainment. (Ah, but which one’s which?) Both had
children at a young age. And both are severely overweight. But that’s
where things stop. Being the new editor of the Electronic User Outreach
Department, I would like to give you, the Chewer, a taste of things to
come. And a promise.

I don’t plan on being a Bush State of the Union (i.e. a whole
lot of nothing), so I’m gonna’ give it to ya’ straight—the newsletter,
going out for the first time ever in glorious 2007, will be chockfull
of Awesomeness™. I promise it won’t just be full of headlines and links
to CHUD. It won’t even be plastered with my own incredible writing
skills. No, I’m looking at adding in a healthy helping of Chewer input,
too. Think quotes from the message boards, maybe even some message to
mom or a quick rant.

I’m asking You (the Person of the Year!) to contribute and
help make the newsletter the best it can be. And if all it can be is
the town slut who dies on the bathroom floor foaming at the mouth, then
by God, let’s do it!

You see, I’ve been a reader of CHUD for several years now. And
being given this chance to give back to the site is really quite
amazing! So I thought what better way to say thanks than to involve
everyone? I want your input, your opinions, suggestions…love? We can
work on that last one. But until then, let’s make 2007 the Year of

Or at least missing black girls.

Joe Lavers

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