Demolition Man is this kick-ass action movie I made to make fun of Christians. I figure it’s probably about the best punch in the soul those wieners ever got. Four out of five Christians disagree, so I know I must have done something right.

Before we get to the wimpy future, we have to visit the grungy, awesome past. This is a place with rust, steam, intuitive decisions, and ball hair. Two men exemplify that more than any other…John Spartan and Simon Phoenix. One is a cop who does what’s needed to catch bad guys, and the other’s a bad guy who does what’s needed to kill cops. One’s simple and stoic, the other’s colorful and loud. One’s white, and the other’s not-white. Though they may represent different sides of the same coin, they both have the greatest action movie character names ever (not played by Kurt Russel).

When we meet them, they are doing what they are destined to do until one of them dies: kick the asses off each other. Unfortunately they choose to fight in a dry ice factory and they both end up getting dry frozen. The police find them and put their frozen blocks in a museum so everyone can marvel at how awesome their names are. John Spartan and Simon Phoenix. Seriously, I’m a genius.

Cut to, I don’t know, a million years later. The world has been cleaned up and taken over by Christians. The only video game allowed is a digital version of Four Square. The only restaurant left is Taco Bell and they no longer offer hot sauce. The only songs are those written by Raffi and, on Saturdays, Ray Stephen. Men are not allowed to fart, and women are not allowed to menstruate. Oh, and all the homosexuals have been murdered. Yes, lesbians too. Yes, even the hot ones.

There is still a police force but they basically just go around ticketing people for not having their shirts tucked in, not having their shorts pulled up high enough, not wearing Crocs, stuff like that. Secretly they are all bored and pine for the ancient days when cops got to kill homos and novelists all day long.

One of these cops is a spunky lady named Huxley, which is a totally awesome Brave New World reference! Because she’s spunky, she’s also more bored than the others, and has come up with a scheme that will make her days more fun. She goes to the museum where our two frozen badasses reside. She tells a kid, “Hey, both halves of God live in those two ice cubes. Break them both and he can come back to life and give you twelve million spacebucks!” The kid’s eyes turn to dollar signs, and he gets to work, first breaking open Simon Phoenix, who the kid figures was the ass-end of God. Phoenix doesn’t even wipe his eye boogers before breaking the kid’s spine over his knee. People don’t scream or run away because they are too wimpy to even know what violence is. He rapes and murders a couple women and children before running away to lay siege on the entire city.

Huxley high-fives herself and gets another kid to open the John Spartan ice cube. Spartan pats the kid on the back in appreciation, and the kid jumps off a bridge in fear of being labeled gay. “What the fuck was that about?” Spartan asks, prompting a robot to ticket him for swearing. He reads the ticket, “What the fuck is THIS about?” He gets another ticket, busts the machine, gets a ticket for busting the machine, he busts THAT machine…and it goes on like that for a little while. Audiences loved it. Loved it.

Huxley takes him back to the police department, where all the cops are shocked and jealous of what a pussy he isn’t. One hilarious misunderstanding after another, he starts to put the picture together. “You don’t have any fucking guns?” Ticket! “How did the world ever get this fucked up?” Ticket! “All your heads are stuck up your asses!” Ticket! “Fuck these motherfucking tickets, man!” Tickets!

Before he and Huxley go out, Spartan has to go to the bathroom. He comes back and whispers to Huxley, “Hey, where you’re supposed to have toilet paper, you’ve just got these three sea shells sitting there.” Everyone starts laughing at him, “He doesn’t know how to use the sea shells?!” Huxley takes him aside and fills him in, “See, whenever you need to make a poo-poo, go to the bathroom and put one of those sea shells up your bum-bum.” He looks at her for over a minute. “Are you fucking kidding me?” Ticket!

Meanwhile, Simon Phoenix is growing bored playing Grand Theft World with the “no cops” cheat on. So he goes back to the museum’s “Hall of Badass Names” and breaks out some of his old crime buddies, guys like Hawkeye Houston and Ilikebigbutts Andicannotlie. He tells them that he is on a mission to make the world like it used to be, and the only way to do that is to get everyone to think he is Jesus and they are his disciples. They tell him to fuck off, go out, cause mayhem, get bored, come back, and concede: “Okay, we like your plan now.”

Spartan and Huxley are on their way to finally catch Phoenix when she suddenly stops the car. “I live close to here,” she says. “Do you wanna go to my house and have sex?” He’s already been ticketed for saying “fuck yes” by the time she’s halfway through her sentence.

While she goes to the bathroom to prepare, he takes his clothes off and slaps his penis awake. When she sees him she screams, “Yuck! Icky! That’s not how we do things.” Making sure not to touch him, she puts a ring on his head that matches the one she has on hers. “What is this shit?” Ticket! “Shhh…close your eyes.” When he closes his eyes, he gets treated to some POV porno with a girl who looks kind of like Huxley. When it’s done he looks at the goofy ring in disgust. “We’re breaking up,” he tells her. “I virtually went down on you for two hours and you didn’t virtually pay me back at all. And even if you had, something tells me you wouldn’t do it right.”

While walking back to the car, Spartan spots something in a drain that arouses his curiosity. They go down a manhole to investigate. What they find is a complete army of atheists forced to live on the outskirts of society for their lack of beliefs. Here, John Spartan is treated to a real hamburger, real sex, and real dick/food poisoning. “Fuck yes!” he says. No ticket.

He tells them that he is on a mission to make the world like it used to be, and the only way to do that is to get everyone to think he is Jesus and they are his disciples. Because they know the score, they agree immediately.

When they emerge from the sewers, they find dead bodies and massive fires all over the place. “Phoenix!” Spartan grumbles. He and his disciples run through crowds of screaming people until they find Phoenix and his disciples. After a few clever quips, the two armies go to war. The people of the world watch, convinced that whoever wins is the real fake Jesus. For a long time, Spartan’s Spartans are not doing well because they’re just a bunch of dirty hippies fighting a bunch of dirty Hell’s Angles guys. What saves them is a sudden series of lightning bolts from heaven that seem to only target the bad guys. This takes Simon Phoenix’s attention away from John Spartan long enough for Spartan to execute his master plan. He lets loose with the longest string of obscenities he can come up with. So many that all the ticket dispensers explode, which gets the entire police department there in twenty seconds, armed to the teeth and excited to finally be able to kill someone. Spartan points at Phoenix and says, “It was him!” Phoenix looks shocked then angry. “Fuck you, John Spartan!” They open fire and nothing is left but the echo of his last words: “John Spartan.”

Spartan and his sewer people are elected New Jesus and New Disciples. Before long, sex and cheeseburgers are back, and people can finally squeeze out their sea shells. Everyone rejoices as robbing and killing start up again. The new bible is a book on BBQ. The end!

(three stars)