This ain’t no trailer. This ain’t no leaked clip. This is the full-bore, Direct To Google Video nightmare mashup of bikinis, blue hair and slap fighting, available for your viewing…pleasure?

That’s right. DTGV is the new cinema hell.

Ever since My Name Is Earl opened my eyes to both of Jaime Pressley’s charms, I’ve debased myself further and further to check out her other work. But things hit a new low with DOA: Dead Or Alive, the Paul W.S. Anderson-produced, Corey Yuen directed adaptation of the video game series with all the boobs. Except that here, all the bodacious pan-asian combatants have been replaced with skinny white chicks who can’t fight.

The saving grace is that, thanks to the virtues of free digital distribution, the only exertion involved in this final stage of my loss of humanity was pushing my chair back far enough to minimize the grianiness of Google Video. The pixelization also made Devon Aoki’s living Cabbage Patch doll features more palatable. Eric Roberts still looks like he’s wearing a wig harveted from untamed Kristofferson, though.

Think you’re strong enough to stomach this? Click for the full film.