There’s good news and there’s bad news. The good news is that Nick is doing a live Podcast of his Golden Globes coverage. The bad news is that means Devin (aka me) will be the one doing the text commentary in this space. I can’t hope to match Nick’s infamous stream of consciousness and reference-laden gags, but I’m running out to the corner bodega to buy a six-pack to help me out.
The coverage starts here in just over 15 minutes!
Our message board thread for this is here.
11:04 – Nice shout out to the other Three Amigos, and we’re out of here. Total damage: 7 beers, 1/2 a pizza. I am so going to puke.
11:00 – What an upset! After being shut out all night, Babel takes Best Picture! This cements two things: Babel is a lock for the final five at the Oscars, and the Hollywood Foreign Press people are dumbshits. But nice immigration joke at the mic!
10:57 – If my math is correct, Dreamgirls is the big winner tonight. That’s some nice Oscar momentum for Bill Condon and friends.
10:52 – Leo vs Leo! And the winner… *yawn*, Forest Whitaker, just like everybody said in September. He’s so excited both of his eyes are almost open!
10:50 – This Back to the Future DirecTV commercial – where does it fit in the BTTF continuity? Why would Doc Brown of the 50s have a message for the Marty of the 80s about a TV service in the 00s? GOD MY HEAD HURTS.
10:46 – England’s most honored D-cups takes it again. Out there a legion on Oscar prognosticators howls, disappointed that the obvious winner takes it home.
10:45 – Philip Seymour Hoffman is sporting the very nice poon broom.
10:44 – Our server shit the bed for 20 minutes there. Don’t know what happened. You missed my hilarious comments on Sacha Baron Cohen! And now, Grey’s Anatomy (re-run Nick joke: "I liked it better when it was called Alien Autopsy") is making the male nerds of the internet fume. They demand a Heroes win!
10:26 – The Martin Scorsese win (and he shouts out Andrew Lau!) is nice, but really only notable for the momentum it gives him for an Oscar win.
10:22 – Will Coming Soon run the Ishtar 2 scoop?
10:15 – Beatty does Borat. I can retire now.
10:10 – Two notes: J Lo brought The Ghoul to the show tonight. And Helen Mirren could not make eye contact with Beatty. The Swingin’ 60s!
10:05 – Oops, there it is.
10:02 – This is a very good little walk down memory lane. But where’s Reds? Hanks mentioned it, but we go right from Heaven Can Wait – which financed his commie epic – to Dick Tracy, his biggest misstep.
9:59 – If they get everyone Warren Beatty nailed to come talk about him, we could be here for the rest of 2007. Let’s just have him get up there and do a Bulworth rap!
9:54 – Checking in to 24: Well, I guess I can cancel my plans to move to Los Angeles.
9:49 – Shit, I already used my America Ferrara joke!
9:45 – Jeremy Irons says "The Queen" and the camera cuts to John Travolta.
9:40 – Which category is Jason Statham nominated in? He must be nominated in one of them. And we’re on to Beer #4 – it’s all Brooklyn Pennant Ale from here on in.
9:37 – HOLY SHIT. While I was rooting for Pan’s Labyrinth, I would have been OK with most of those other foreign films winning – except Clint’s dismal suicide film. And Mel’s exciting but dumb chase film. But seriously… give the foreign film to a fucking foreign film.
9:36 – I wish Djimon would come onstage screaming "MY SOOOOOOOOON!" Only the thirty people who saw Blood Diamond would get that.
9:31 – Ugly Betty wins, letting Salma Hayek’s ever-astonishing cans take the stage. Also, I have to admit that I like big girls, which is why I’m sitting here like a Neil Diamond song – I’m cumming to America (Ferrara).
9:27 – 24 update! Kal Penn has more to do during scenes when he is not onscreen in 24 than he had to do in all of Superman Returns. That’s tragic.
9:22 – Tim Allen shouts out to Galaxy Quest, his last watchable movie. And Alec Baldwin – the reason I added 30 Rock to my TiVo – wins, and is already talking about his balls!
9:20 – Tragically robbed screenwriter William Monahan should storm the stage and beat this guy down and take his award.
9:13 – To commemorate her first honor of the evening, here’s a link to naked Helen Mirren.
9:10 – Oh yeah, and here is a link to Sienna Miller’s nude scenes in Factory Girl.
9:09 – If you don’t love Bill Nighy, I want you dead.
9:05 – No overt jokes here, but on the 24 tip: this day does not seem that urgent. Like, they could probably give Jack a couple of hours to nap off his trauma at being kept in a Chinese prison camp for two years.
9:00 – Eddie Murphy and Jack Nicholson just hugged. Do I smell a Wolf/Vampire in Brooklyn cross-over???
8:56 – Sacha Baron Cohen doesn’t even feign amusement at Ben Stiller. Beer #3 (Brooklyn Pennant Ale) is opened just as the pizza comes!
8:51 – Streep speaks out for small release films like Little Children and Pan’s Labyrinth. Take that, hatas.
8:47 – One time Meryl Streep showed me most of her boob. Also, unlike Nick, I think The Devil Wears Prada was a pretty good movie, and Streep is a big part of that. Also, Emily Blunt’s ass.
8:44 – Hey, it’s the category most exciting to people who have the least sex. Unless they’re doing sleepovers with Michael Jackson.
8:40 – Charlie Sheen: living proof that Hollywood looks at doing lots of blow, fucking hookers and being a complete creepy weirdo as just a little less offensive than snacking between meals. God, I need to live there.
8:38 – 24 update: Dr. Bashir from Star Trek is giving a guy a very exciting ride home. Luckily, he’s wearing a Dick Tracy watch. I wonder if the watch is the mole.
8:33 – Here’s a medical mystery for you, Dr. House – this television show is suffering from bloated amounts of love while also showing symptoms of being the same exact thing week after week. Hugh Laurie is funny, though. And that big titty black lady from before is PSYCHED.
8:30 – Emily Blunt is going to get off… without me??
8:29 – Nice as on Emily Blunt. I cannot joke about such things.
8:28 – Katherine Heigl gets a big round of applause – Zyzzyx Road Fever hits the Golden Globes!
8:27 – The Hollywood Foreign Press bylaws do not exclude the walking dead, it seems.
8:25 – The Babel clip has run. I was hoping that Rinko Kikuchi might take home Best Furry Beaver earlier, but I guess not.
8:20 – 24 update: While terrorists threaten America, the people entrusted with our security – the personnel of CTU – are engaged in backbiting, small-minded snits. Also, Buffy’s principal is now the President of the United States. We last saw him about to make out with Eliza Dushku. This seems like a demotion.
8:16 – Kyra Sedgwick is wearing her Clash of the Titans outfit to accept the Best Actress in a Drama award.
8:13 – It’s nice to see that Jeremy Iron’s work in Eragon hasn’t been ignored.
8:11 – Beer #2: Saranac Pale Ale, the last of the Saranacs. Also, Miss Golden Globe is the only broad in the house tonight safe from Jack Nicholson sexual harrassment.
8:07 – Prince beats Dreamgirls! First upset of the night! And Timberlake makes a funny short joke! THIS COULD BE THE SHOW WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR, PEOPLE.
8:05 – I wish the Pursuit of Happyness song was written by a real seal. "Ark ark ark!/Ark ark ark!"
8:03 – Best Supporting Actress winner Jennifer Hudson has some lungs on her, and you can see them nicely tonight. Is this the beginning of the Dreamgirls sweep?
8:00 – Interesting opening song choice. Do they realize One Night Only is about a cheap, meaningless one night stand? As opposed to the Hollywood Foreign Press, who spend most of the year trying to suck celebrity dick.
7:58 – The show is about to begin. I’ll be switching over 24 during the commercial breaks to let you know what’s going on in Jack Bauer’s highly improbable day.
7:51 – Eddie Murphy has shown up with a date he met on the t4m section of Craigslist. What does he have to say? Who knows, E! decided to cut away to some broads yapping about Beyonce. Wait, one of those broads is a guy. I’m honestly shocked.
7:49 – Ryan Seacrest’s mic went out and the intelligence level of the pre-show just doubled. How tiny is this little fruit, by the way?
7:38 – Ryan Seacrest is asking the hard-hitting questions. What do Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have for breakfast? Also, Drew Barrymore is apparently auditioning for Rome in that toga.
7:35 – Salma Hayek has given me my first boner of the evening.
7:30 – Let the games begin! I have popped open the first beer (a Saranac Lager from an Adirondack Trail Mix I had in the fridge), and I’m watching E!’s red carpet coverage, where Hugh Laurie is being interviewed by a black woman’s K-cup Kilimanjaros. While Ryan Seacrest stares at Hugh’s ass.