I’m here. Technical difficulties with the TV (of course) almost killed me.

8:42 – Billy Crystal has no idea what era he’s in and how far behind the curve his humor is. Which, as it turns out means he’s perfect for 90% of the Academy.

8:43 – Hugo wins for Best Cinematography. I’m not a fan of the film (which is a total shocker as I was the target audience), but there’s no denying the quality of the frame.

8:46 – Hugo wins Art Direction. Once again, very hard to deny Dante Ferretti & Francesca Lo Schiavo.

8:49 – Billy Crystal was never good as the Oscar host, at least to non-Jews.

8:50 – I have a Billy Crystal story: I was at New Line pitching a project (11 Colonels Attack!, yes I know it was a dumb idea at the time) and Billy Crystal was in the lobby with us. He looked older than ferocity. I was actually almost giving him a pass because he made the Yankee baseball movie, but I still was a little wanting to give him a little smash. I texted the guys we were with telling them that Sir William of the Shards was there, which as it turns out was too obtuse a reference. Then Crystal tried to leave the room with a laugh and cracked the most old bullshit joke playing on Judaism (SHOCKER) and left. What a hack.

Footnote: New Line died. My project is still in limbo. Crystal thrives.

8:55 - The Artist wins its first of many Oscars with Costume Design. It was a lovely movie and I am a big fan of when real world movies win the award over overblown fantastical stuff. Can’t complain here. But I will say this: Fuck the Artist dog. Fuck it until its twin dies.

8:58 - The Iron Lady wins the makeup award because it took an old and ugly and made it into a different old and ugly.

8:59 – Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez together makes me want to un-jerk off.

9:00 – FINALLY WE GET TO HEAR ABOUT ADAM SANDLER’S FIRST MOVIE EXPERIENCE.

9:02 – Why to love Brad Pitt reason #27,383. He just brought retarded worldwide attention to this:

9:03 – But seriously, I was just telling my friends this weekend that I really wanted to know what Adam Sandler saw to turn him into the walking hate crime that he is.

9:06 – Sandra Bullock has an Oscar. Read that again. Now go fuck your Dad with a taxidermed bobcat.

9:07 – They did a blurb for the local news and this is verbatim: “A student is shot in the eye right on the school bus, right after the Oscars.” See, I hear that and I’m hoping that means that if I stay tuned they’re going to blast some kid’s face after the big show. Shit they’ll do for viewers.

9:08 – A Separation wins,which surprises no one. I hate the movie because the man on the poster’s mouth is open in a way I don’t appreciate. I haven’t seen the movie but I have a big problem with movie posters with people who make the “Mark Texieira swinging” face.

9:10 – Crystal cracked a Christian Bale eyeline joke. Man he digs deep.

9:12 – Can you imagine if The Help wins anything?

9:13 – Speaking of Gargantuas…

9:14 – Dr. Octavius wins for The Help. Because why the fuck not.

9:15- I didn’t see The Help.I also haven’t committed suicide.

9:16 – Having Billy Crystal host the Oscars is like having the sequel to an R rated movie be PG.

9:20 – Christopher Guest’s crew instantly elevates all things.

9:21 – If one person discovers A Mighty Wind, Best in Show or Waiting for Guffman because of this, Earth wins.

9:23 – Editing. One of the best awards of the night, though I wonder what voters think editing is.

9:24 – The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo wins Best Editing. Not really a fan of this choice.

9:25 – If Drive wins editing, I’m gonna pee all over my penis.

9:26 – Hugo wins best sound editing. It was a bit of a busy thing. I don’t feel this one.

9:28 – Now for Sound Mixing. I hope Stakeout wins.

9:28 – What the fuck with all this Hugo bullshit? It wins Sound Mixing.

9:30 – I want to have Martin Scorsese’s eyebrows’ babies, but I totally don’t like that movie.

9:35 – FUCK YES. PERFORMANCE ART.

9:37 – Here’s a dark secret: Very few people want to watch interpretive dance, but those who do seek it out. The people in the audience can afford to see this shit anytime they want. Save our eyes and respect our time, show producers.

9:39 – Countdown to Crystal’s first show running late joke…

9:39 – A Bar Mitzvah joke! Thank you Billy Crystal for being everything wrong with geometry.

9:41 – Wow. Wow. Wow. That’s the worst Downey Jr. thing since The Pick-Up Artist.

9:43 – Undefeated wins Best Documentary. Duh.

9:44 – “Ladies and Gentleman, a Better Host”.

9:45 – Chris Rock is better than crystal, let alone BILLY Crystal.

9:45 – This is an apology award. They’re just giving Gore Verbinski the Oscar he was deprived for The Mexican.

9:48 – Rango wins Best Animated feature. Is this whole year a placebo for a real year? Is this a huge stunt? If so, BRAVO.

9:49 – Gore Verbinski sounds like a Polish FX artist.

9:50 – Pixar’s Brave looks amazing! Actually it looks like blankets of fire slamming me into the Great Goodbye.

9:52 – Finally a spread legged fattie on my TV evening!

9:53 – Emma Stone campaigns for a musical.

9:54 – Did you see when they cut to Lee Majors’s reaction in the audience?

9:55 – Ben Stiller plays a straight men well. But he’s supposed to be funny.

9:56 – Fucking Hugo again. Jesus. Special Effects win.

9:57 – Rise of the Planet of the Apes is the one I want to win, though I do feel that a lot of the motion capture stuff uses the same techniques and it was the performance that sold the FX so well, but still… Hugo? I remember when people were pissed when Scorsese got all that love for The Departed. That film is great. For this, I am mystified.

10:01 – Christopher Plummer deserves all things.

10:02 – But fuck a standing ovation in the mouth.

10:02 – Christopher Plummer wins Best Supporting Fossil.

10:02 – I really cannot handle when the Oscar audience feels compelled to do a standing ovation for winners who are old, frail, controversial, or god forbid… survivors of some great and horrible catastrophe. Treat everyone equally, especially Mary Beth Hurt.

10:06 – Is there a sniper in the building? I can think of a few good “In Memorium” last minute entries.

10:07 – Hey, Billy Crystal is rehashing an old and shitty joke.

10:08 – Billy Crystal’s got nothing on my Nolte impersonation.

10:10 – If you are being entertained… first WHY? But if so, please “Like” or “Tweet” this asshole.

10:11 – Penelope Cruz ought to try to be less foreign.

10:13 – Stealing all our American acting jobs. Did she not see Act of Valor?

10:14 – “And the escargot’s too”.

10:15 – Some French fuck wins Best Music for The Artist.

10:15 – Fuck me, Hugo just won the NBA All-Star Game.

10:18 – The Muppets win Best Song. Actually Brett from the Conchords.

10:21 – I hate Hollywood and movies.

10:25 – I bet Angelina Jolie has extra vagina muscles.

10:27 - The Descendants wins for Best Screenplay.

10:28 – Woody Allen wins for Midnight in Paris. That surprises me.

10:31 – Werner Herzog!

10:31 – That was awkward when they cut to Leon Rippy in the audience.

10:35 – You know how people watch the Super Bowl for the commercials? I watch the Oscars for the commercials so I can not watch the Oscars.

 10:36 – “We need someone with clout and grace to present the technical awards.” “Yeah, Andy… Hollywood Royalty.” “Who do we get, Judi Dench?” “What about that Joan of Ark cunt?”

10:38 -The Shore wins best short film, which is good because it’s a film that isn’t long and it’s shorter than a long film.

10:43 – Saving Face wins Best Docu……………………………….zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

10:36 – A trendy hat won some Oscar.

10:50 – Great to see Michael Douglas up there with vitality.

10:53 – The Artist wins Best Director, which is absolutely deserved.

10:55 – Wendell Pierce replied to me on Twitter. Now, he was disagreeing but I don’t care. I fucking worship that dude.

10:59 – Here come the deads.

11:09 – I’m sure these are all very special people, but they had some rather tangential people to the core of what the Oscars represents. I hope they don’t extend it to people who watch movies.

11:11 – Pretty interesting words from great people and then they cut to Billy Crystal’s smug cocksuck face.

11:14 – You know who is giddy and losing their shit about Billy Crystal’s jokes? Yep, Billy Crystal.

11:15 – By the way, it’s about goddamn time we got an Ashley Judd is pissed television show.

11:18 – French and suave as fuck wins a deserved Oscar for an utterly magnetic performance. Wouldn’t have minded seeing Pitt winning, but this guy blew my cock off with very special work.

11:21 – It’s weird seeing George Clooney and Tobin Bell sitting next to each other at the Oscars.

11:23 – OMG can’t wait to see how the trades review the Oscars show!

11:24 – So which honeyhole’s gonna win Best Actress?

11:25 – Albert Nobbs is the lost Cenobite.

11:26 – Rooney Mara shows her heat in her movie. She ought to win.

11:28 – The Best Actress is Meryl Streep. They should have split the win between her and Glenn Close. “And the Oscar goes to Iron, Man.”

11:30 – Sophie should have made a different choice.

11:32 – Tom Cruise is great. He just is.

11:35 - The Artist wins Best Picture. And it’s fucking great. Deal with it.

11:37 – I’m getting the fuck out of here. Sleep well, folks. If you see Billy Crystal on the street, BALD HIM.