I have 491 movies in my Netflix Instant queue. I tend to watch one thing for every five that I add, but now my library is close to being full and I have to make room. So, every Monday I’m going to pick a random movie out of my queue and review the shit out of it. But (like Jesus), I’m also thinking of you and your unwieldy queue and all the movies in it you want to watch but no longer have the time to now that you’ve become so awesome and popular. Let me know what has been gathering digital dust in your Netflix Instant library and I’ll watch that, too. One Monday for you and the next for me and so on. Let’s get to it.

What’s the movie? Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2010)

What’s it rated? PG-13 for Brandon Routh’s zen-like acting methodology, Peter Stormare’s ability to sleepwalk through the worst of scripts and a lot of practical make-up effects.

Did people make it? Written by Thomas Dean Donnelly and Joshua Oppenheimer. Based on the comic series by Tiziano Sclavi. Directed by Kevin Munroe.

What’s it like in one sentence? Supernatural detective noir without any of the cool things that make good supernatural detective noir.

Why did you watch it? RelaxingDragon and goji made it sound too bad to pass up. You guys are dicks.

What’s it about in one paragraph? Brandon Routh is Dylan Dog, a moody, tortured private detective who used to specialize in monsters and demons and shit, but now he just does divorces and brooding. When a local man is murdered by a werewolf and his somewhat attractive daughter comes calling for his help, he has to decide whether to get pulled back into the demesne of supernatural awfulness, or whether to just close his eyes, put his fingers in his ears and blow a raspberry at the world.

Maybe Routh's new steampunk-y monocle can help him locate his self respect.

Play or remove from my queue? Remove this shit forthwith. I love the Supernatural P.I. genre, so I was an easy mark for this and all it did was make me question my lifestyle choices. The novels of Richard Kadrey and Mike Carey plus Garth Ennis, Mike Carey and Warren Ellis’ run on Hellblazer sparked my love for the hardbitten detective facing down the forces of darkness genre in a way I never thought would get extinguished. Add the 2nd through 5th seasons of Angel to that and you’ve got some of my favorite genre storytelling ever. Dylan Dog (based off of an Italian comic series running since 1986) wishes it had half of the heart and soul as the works I just mentioned, but all it can do is bounce between shrill, dull, inert, almost cool and pointless until it limps across the finish line like dude #499 at the Houston 500. It pisses in my genre’s mouth and then calls it an asshole.

Things that would have made Dylan Dog better. Not good, but better:

  1. Cast someone less hero-y than Routh. He tries, but is woefully miscast. He doesn’t even look like he can shave.
  2. Sam Huntington is annoying as hell as Mr. Dog’s undead sidekick, Marcus. He’s always yelling or whining or whyelling about everything in this. It takes him waaaay too long to accept he’s a zombie. So, yeah, write better parts for actors or something.
  3. Routh and his Femme Fatale Elizabeth (played like a murdered log by Anita Briem) have absolutely ZERO chemistry together. It’s anti-chemistry. When they have sex, I found myself getting grossed out and bored at the same time. It was like two old people (that are also brother and sister) making sweet, sweet PG-13 love.
  4. The Femme Fatale! Anita Briem seems (heh) so disinterested in what she’s doing that, I swear to Christ, there are moments where she is delivering dialogue and also ready for some sleepy time. She’s trying to be Diane Kruger but ends up being William Hurt. She should have been replaced on the first day of shooting with Steve Railsback.
  5. The plot! It’s is so paint-by-numbers thin that it’s insulting. Tip: Just because you have a story that has Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies, Mega-Zombies, Peter Stormare, Belial (ancient God not the singer or the midget in a picnic basket) and some Da Vinci Code shit doesn’t mean it’s already going to be interesting. You have to  make us care about Peter Stormare and the Mega-Zombies if you want your movie to be more than overstuffed hogwash. And if the plot is so convoluted that you have to explain it every 10 minutes then your movie is probably assholes.
  6. Peter Stormare! He’s awesome, but having him in this just invites comparisons to Constantine and that’s no good. Let me explain: Constantine is to Dylan Dog as There Will Be Blood is to Jonah: A VeggieTales Movie. Don’t compare yourself to better movies. When I try to pick up the ladies I don’t stand next to the best looking guy in the room, I stand next to the guy who pissed himself by the jukebox while seeing how much Cat Stevens he can get for a dollar.
  7. Hire a director with some style and vision instead of Kevin Munroe, who shot this like it was a wedding video of some people he is murdering later.
  8. Stop ending movies with the two leads walking off into the distance while engaging in some facsimile of witty banter. It’s dumb and you’re not Lethal Weapon. You’re not even Lethal Weapon 4.
  9. Don’t have your main villain look just like Scott Speedman’s black face hybrid in the first Underworld movie unless you were actually going for redundant. If that’s the case then you get a gold star.
  10. Take my seminar!

"Yeah, I went the male modeling route, but being a tortured and brooding private dick just seemed so much more rewarding in the long run. Plus, when I take my shirt off, people are like "woah, you should be a male model" and then I can be like "yeah, I was. I was."

Do you have a favorite line? Do you have a favorite strain of influenza?

Do you have an interesting fun-fact? This movie gave me rectal polyps. And then told everyone at school and work. And then punched me in the dick.

What does Netflix say I’d like if I like this? Boy Eats Girl (I know I’ve seen it. Is there a prom at the end?), Bulletproof (yeah, that’ll wash the bad taste out of my mouth. With semen.), Rumble in the Bronx (my second favorite Jackie Chan after Legend of Drunken Master), Project A2 (My 5th favorite Jackie Chan after other movies) and Cold Feet (Tom Waits, Sally Kirkland and Rip Torn? That’s like every weird sex dream I’ve had this month).

What does Jared say I’d like if I like this? If you like this then I bet you’d like Jack and Jill or watching a sex tape with your mom and Captain Kangaroo. He was a marine, you know.

What is Netflix’s best guess for Jared? 2.3

What is Jared’s best guess for Jared? I am owed numbers by Netflix.

Can you link to the movie? I can.

Any last thoughts? Other than the sound of white noise slowly encroaching on my existence? Nope, not really.

Did you watch anything else this week? Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs (which was hilarious), Doghouse (which should have been a short) and Paranormal Activity 3 (which didn’t quite stick the landing). I’m also halfway through Season 2 of Enterprise (which is slowly getting better).

Any spoilerish thoughts about last week’s film, Noise?  I didn’t have a chance to rewatch this like I wanted to, but it’s definitely been growing on me as I think about it. I still am fuzzy about whether Lucky Phil’s photo somehow proved that he killed Dean’s fiancee, or whether McGahan got something else out of it. I also still am not too sure why the killer let Lavina live. Was it just to toy with her and torture her at his own convenience or was he just too crazy to plan everything out? The relationship of McGahan’s tinnitus with his isolation working at the police trailer was truly gorgeous and I can’t wait to give it another go as soon as I can.

Next Week? Fire and Ice? The Evictors? Your pick.

My new polyp. I named it Dylan. I pronounce it Die-Lawn.