Lest anyone think that we’re in the clear in 2012 and all the movie posters everywhere would be excellent from now on, this column continues to exist to bring your hopes down to earth, while also bringing you back up with the strength of laughter.  Forgot how this works?  Here’s how we did it at the end of 2011

Now take my hand and let’s descend together into the dark underworld of disastrous film art…

Wow.  Okay.  Somehow that got through, huh?  So:  In case you want to avoid that awkward conversation with your parents, what that tagline means is that these two guys are huge nerds and so at no point during this motion picture will you see them receive blow jobs.  Unless they decide to give EACH OTHER blow jobs, but that would be crazy and unnatural even though no doubt this movie could have many hilarious jokes to that effect.

28 Hotel Rooms Later… The inevitable story of sex zombies. 

This poster indicates that this movie actually exists, which I am continuing to have a difficult time believing.  Help me out if you’ve read the book:  Do they address the vampire slavery issue?

“Still, he makes movies… with terrible titles… about which literally no one gives a shit…”

All three lead actors’ names on this poster are completely mixed up, and all three of these people are EXTREMELY unhappy about it.

High Concept:  What if they remade Buried almost immediately, with an actor you like about a tenth as much as you like Ryan Reynolds?  It can’t lose!

Cate Blanchett looks unwell.

An awesome premise would be that it’s the end of the world, after the nuclear apocalypse, it’s Las Vegas, and all the Elvis impersonators are dead except for one (played by George Wendt, as seems to be the case on this poster).  Like Denzel bearing the holy bible in The Book Of Eli, this man is the last to bear the holy word of Elvis Presley, i.e. the lyrics to “Suspicious Minds.”  And then he goes to Frogtown

Be honest, wouldn’t you rather watch my movie?

Listen, I just have a dirty mind.

“Justice has a price.  And he is seeking it.  The price, not the justice.  He’s seeking the price of justice.  You know, to ask around before he commits to buying.  He’s headed to the flea market… of justice!” 

Maybe it’s just me, but the indecision of this movie and its many titles is vaguely humorous.  It started out as The Hungry Rabbit Jumps.  Then it was Justice.  Now it’s become Seeking Justice.  That’s so much less definitive. It’s kind of a pussy move for an action movie to add that gerund.  It’s like the Finding Forrester of badass revenge flicks.

Finally, a poster for this movie that’s as unappealing to me as the movie itself is.  Too many of the posters for The Iron Lady look like too much fun.  Like this:

I bet I know what she’s thinking.  How randy!

The monster on the right looks like a butt.  So my ticket’s already bought and paid for.

I also love the tagline, “Dos Mundos, Un Heroe.”  I just know they did that to appeal to the same audience who for so many years loved the wildly popular series of telenovelas, “Dos Mujeres, Un Camino.”

Attn: Marketing Dept.

Loved the John Carter poster for the Latin market!  But can we see some mock-ups to send further east?

Thanks in advance,


P.S.  Same request for Man On A Ledge

I don’t mean to say that all it takes to make a Korean poster for an American film is to load it up with extra writing and throw a random hologram on a skyscraper, but well, I guess maybe subconsciously I do mean to say it.

This is depressing for much deeper reasons than what is certainly one of the most abysmal movie titles we’ll see in all of 2012.  This is actually a dispiriting Hollywood trend captured in a single image:  At 20-something, you’re America’s sweetheart, everybody loving your smile and your laugh.  At 30-something, you do your prestige run so people give you credit for being a serious actress.  At 40-something, you’re stuck playing the wicked witch.   What’s truly creepy is how it can accelerate:  You don’t even have to crack forty anymore to play the evil queen to the lovely young ingenue.

Marilyn Monroe: From American icon to J-pop sensation — all it takes is just a re-tinted color scheme.

Public Service Announcement:  Stay away, probably.

It’s easy to pull the hot Nicole Kidman older lady who lives down the street: All you need is a pink Cadillac with a painting of John Cusack on the side.

Price check?  That’ll be $3.99 in the Wal-Mart bargain bin.

(No, I don’t sleep well. Why do you ask?)

The more I learn about this movie, the more I’m leaning towards despising it.  Does that make me “old”?

Congratulations to Todd Phillips, though — after this poster he’s sure to make PETA’s must-watch list.

Personally, I’d play down the whole Cuba Gooding Jr. aspect.  Last time he was in a World War 2 movie, it was Pearl Harbor.  

Jason Statham makes a severely lousy Julianne Moore.

The Sith announce their most perverted threat to date.

There’s a shit-ton going on in that lava lamp.

I don’t know what this movie is about yet, but I have to believe there’s another way to sell it.

Like this, for example:  This poster is a great way to get me intrigued about a movie which I probably don’t want to see.

I saw the trailer for this movie the other day.  It’s about all these old British people who take a trip to India and start hooking up with each other.  Basically, it’s the imperialist version of Cocoon.  The kid from Slumdog Millionaire plays the Steve Guttenberg role.  Either way, you’re gonna get jokes about limp boners.  Choose the form of the destructor.  Choose, and perish.

Looks like they shot this poster with the same 45-degree-angle camera they shot half of Thor with. 

So psyched they finally made a new Matrix movie.

When certain movies are received less than warmly in the United States, they often change their titles and escape to another country.  In some countries, We Bought A Zoo goes by the name A Place To Dream.  If you happen to encounter it, do not be a hero.  Back away and alert the local authorities at the soonest opportunity.


Am I seeing double?  Uh, I mean — am I seeing quadruple?


And now, as a grand finale of atrociousness, let’s meet the five-headed dark prince of this horrific netherworld, and by that I mean the new posters for some movie I hope to never be dragged to see (probably will be) called What To Expect When You’re Expecting.  [SHUDDER.]

Good luck with that, Jenny.  There’s at least a 50% chance your baby will look like THIS!


Apologies for this column are filedonce a month, on the morning after it’s posted.