DVD REVIEW: EXTREME CHICKFIGHTS

It’s time for some female empowerment! It’s time to show that women can be just as stupid as the types of men who willingly participate in fight clubs!

The Humans

Skyler and Trailer as your hosts, Greg “Da Medic,” George the time keeper, Enrique the ref, Monica “Da Nurse” and DJ Marc X as your mixmaster and commentator.

Far from the glitz and glamour of the MGM Grand and the Arrowhead Pond, tough chicks are going at it in a dingy warehouse setting while a whole crew of degenerates cheers them on. It’s a Dinklage-sized step above backyard wrestling in terms of trashiness. It’s all truly brought to life by the stylings of DJ Marc X, who raps upon the same five second beat for 83 minutes while calling the action.

If you’ve ever wanted to see crazy girls go at it and try to knock each other’s heads off without all that crappy “rules” nonsense they have in boxing, your train has finally arrived. Now all the world needs is for someone to create Extreme Chick Bum Fights and perfection will finally be achieved.

Extreme Chickfights is the type of “entertainment” that makes you want to spray yourself off with a high pressure hose after watching it. It’s obviously exploitation, but it’s far from the worst that genre has to offer. Still, there’s something about it that just makes you feel dirty after sitting through it.

Perhaps it’s the ridiculous presentation. Boxing rings are haphazardly set up in the middle of abandoned garages and backyards while men stand around and cheer on the violence by swinging their terrible towels to and fro.

The same Game Boy synthesizer beat is replayed with no interruption as DJ Marc X makes a futile effort to rile up the crowd and offers such helpful gems as “Get your damn hands up” and “Get your mother fucking hands up” as the girls pummel each other.

Well after many of the girls are capable of defending themselves, Enrique will finally step in and end the fight. That’s when the pain truly begins, as Skyler and Trailer hold post-match interviews with the ladies. It’s a sad commentary on how professional the people holding these events are when a punch drunk girl who just got her brain pummeled speaks more intelligently than the hosts.

Unfortunately, the whole appeal of these films is their taboo and extreme nature. That aspect has to be played up in order to make people think they’re seeing some seriously underground stuff. Extreme Chickfights is a novelty that wears thin quickly thanks to the presentation, making it unappealing to both fans of underground videos and boxing. If you’re that desperate to see girls wailing on each other, just watch them do it in a real ring in Vegas.

After listening to the same rap beat for the entire film, what would you like to do? Stick a fork into your brain? Pound nails into your groin? No, you’ll want to listen to it again in a sweet music video! You’ll hear this theme so much it will weave itself into the folds of your brain like an alien slug. You’ll want it as your ring tone, you’ll want it on your iPod and you’ll want it played at your wedding, with DJ Marc X serving as your wedding singer.

The only other feature on the DVD is fortunately theme music free. It’s an animated slideshow of some of the biggest punches and knockouts from the feature. If only the entire film could be viewed with no soundtrack, it might have been a masterpiece.