won’t be one of the people who get sucked up in The Rapture, leaving their clothes behind as if a Tripod got ’em. Nope. I’ll be one of the people taking their parking spaces. With that said, I think I know what world-beating spiritual gratification feels like.

You see, I just bought the Rocky Balboa action figure "The Meat". You think I’m kidding. You think "Man, Nick’s gotten crazy good with Photoshop". Go ahead, think that shit.

Me, I’ll just sit here caressing my "The Meat".

A company called Jakks Toys, known for doing Pro Wrestling [which is the definition for ‘opposite of rapture’, by the way] toys, has released a line of toys based on the first Rocky. A series for each subsequent film is planned which leaves hope for Butkus, Father Carmine, Cuff, Link, and Joe Spinell figures [they can just use the mold from Kenner’s Maniac line], but the most lovely thing of all no matter where they go with it or any other toy line in the history of man and Thetan…

The Meat.

They made action figures of Rocky, Mickey, Adrian, Paulie, Apollo, the fucking dud boxer from the early part of the film and a SEPARATE ACTION FIGURE for the slab of meat that Rocky pounded into cold, bloodly submission. There is an action figure of a slab of meat. Sorry Rapture, you just came in second. The damn thing even comes with a bloody white butcher’s coat for your Rocky figure to wear whilst sending little plastic jackhammers of fury at said beef. If there is a toy better than this I dare you to present it. You can’t. There is no better toy.

I’m not going to tell you how to live your life, but you’re a pile of shit if you don’t buy "The Meat" from THIS LINK right now.