Devin did a terrific
and comprehensive review for Spider-Man 2
on Tuesday, I decided not to cloud the mix with my take.
Especially since I too loved the film and found the faults
to be minimal. It might be the best superhero film since
Condorman. Actually, it ranks right up there
with the best of the best.
nice to have a film this summer live up to and/or exceed
and this is the last day to have a chance to win our Steady
Leak DVD prizes, so check
here and enter!
on with the Leak!
Message Boards Reloaded.
message board software was a few generations behind, so
we upgraded it to the current level. What I didn’t realize
was how drastically it’d change the interface. The first
two days of dealing with the new chassis and finding a look
that suited me were migraine inducing but ultimately rewarding.
We’re real close to where I want to be as far as the look
and functionality of the boards.
or on the image to check them out. I am allowing new registrations,
but not for Hotmail or Yahoo email accounts because of rampant
spamming and trolling. That said, I think you’ll grow to
love these boards no matter how much you fear change.
you’d like, SEND
A LETTER with your comments on this noise.
Luminous Beings Are We?
like peanut butter [folks at my little birthday shindig
this Saturday will know the exclusionary horror that is
a peanut butter ice cream cake], and apparently 17,999,999
movie lovers other than myself feel the same way each month.
If I had that kind of traffic I’d be updating today from
my energy yacht atop the Ocean of Nunziata off the coast
of East Nick [formerly known as Australia]. I don’t have
that kind of traffic, so I’ll just sit here and take potshots
at the big guy.
griped before about the validity of their news before but
something else irked me today when I went there to research
the directorial career of Albert Pyun. Their gushy little
previews for the big upcoming movie of the week. This week
it’s De-Lovely, a film I’ve heard extremely
mixed things about but will probably see just because there
is no such thing as too many Kevin Kline movies. What struck
me was their description of Ashley Judd as "unrelentingly
luminous". Read our shared contributor Fred Topel’s
with the lady and tell me if the words "unrelentingly"
and "luminous" show up in your mind upon reading
her comments. Take another peak at her filmography and tell
me what would earn her such hyperbole. I like Judd. She’s
been in some solid films, is cute in an Elfquest sort
of way, and she’s managed to escape the rhinestone-studded
shadow of her scary sister and mother.
don’t know, it just seems too gooey for 18 million "movie
lovers" to be handed. In what kind of world does the
dreaded "versatile" tag get applied to Kline,
an actor who can do it all and has. A man who has had fast
times all over Ridgemont High’s pool dweller, and who has
appeared in actual classics like A Fish Called Wanda,
Silverado, and The Big Chill.
He’s dismissed as versatile while she’s regarded as some
unearthed jewel from the Earth’s core that defies nature
and is its own wondrous energy sphere. That, is a High
Crime. If appearing in bunches of mediocre thrillers
creates an unrelenting and luminous being, I guess Mrs.
Judd is such an animal. I just don’t get it. If they want
me to be interested in seeing De-Lovely, less
mentions of Alanis Morrisette and Judd’s otherworldy allure
would be the first step.
other thing I highlighted in the screen capture above is
the headline "Zeta-Jones’s Stalker Apologizes"
and the "Olsen Confesses Eating Disorder" follow-up.
I find it hilarious that a stalker apologizing is not only
news but something worth mentioning at all. If a stalker
is captured and threatened with a steady diet of ass punches
and gruel, I think that person will apologize to everyone
with a nervous system within shouting distance. In fact,
he/she/James Mason might blow them, only removing their
mouth from the sexual apparatus to apologize again. You
don’t see many stalkers sending the police an IM or email
saying that they’re really sorry about stalking Mrs. Streets
of San Francisco and will cease the activity lest they be
caught. Apology upon capture? REDUNDANT.
the headline was "Zeta-Jones’s Stalker Disintigrates
Cup of Chowder With Eye Blasts", it’d be newsworthy.
Or perhaps "Zeta-Jones’s Stalker Figure Appraised By
gijoecollectibles.org". That’s some friggin’ news.
for their other headline, "Olsen Confesses Eating Disorder"…
DUH! There are eleven people in Hollywood who don’t have
some vanity related foible. It’s not news. Not unless their
foible involves the public shedding of their skeleton on
weekly basis. If the headline were "Olsen Confesses
Eating Disorder While Devouring Sister", I’d bite.
If it were "Olsen Confesses Eating Disorderlies
on VHS", IMDB would be my favorite place ever.
it stands, it saddens me to see a truly great site and vital
resource that I pay monthly for their "pro" service
allows themselves to be cheapened in this way.
you’d like, SEND
A LETTER with your comments on this noise.
Fact this Exists is Hilarious, Part 14.
you’d like, SEND
A LETTER with your comments on this noise.
say that the Internet is filled with fools, but we’re out
to prove them wrong. Of course, who are these "they"
people we always hear about? Of course, your comments are
the lifeblood of this column. Please keep them coming. Don’t
be afraid to hold back. Regardless,
here’s another batch of letters from the great Sewer Chewership
out there. To send a letter, CLICK
Writes: Hey man, is the softball schedule on the message
boards anywhere? I’d love to come by North Park and check
out a slaughter some time (is it always Fri and Sun at the
same time?). It sucks to see that the rain peeing all over
other teams in Atlanta. Between the two teams I play on
we have SIX games to make up. Suck!
Reply: The remainder of the CHUD.com Summer Season is
as follows: Doubleheader starting at 4:30pm on the 11th
and 18th and then a make-up game thereafter. I’m torn on
how to handle the Fall. I’d like to sponsor a CHUD team
but Sundays might be unrealistic as people foolishly would
rather watch football. So, I might look into a weekday league
at East Roswell Park perhaps. Depends on if I can field
a competetive team.
Writes: With poking around CHUD it’s obvious you’re
a baseball fan. What team? The Braves?
so, do you think they have a shot at winning the division?
curious as to what your thoughts are.
to find a fellow baseball fan who loves the movies as much
as I do.
Reply: I’ve been a Yankees fan since birth, and even
though my beloved Paul O’Neill has retired, they’re still
my favorite. The Braves are a close second but they lack
the world beating demeanor and good ownership credentials
a team needs to compete in the postseason. The Braves are
doomed this year, no doubt. Not unless the purse strings
are loosened and they’re allowed to get someone for the
stretch. I’d like to see them trade Andruw Jones for something
while he still has value. He’d do well in the American League
where free swingers who bat .240 are accepted. I’m interested
to see how they deal with the Green/Giles situation too.
It’d kill the fans, but I bet they could get something really
good for Giles and Green is more than serviceable. The Yankees/Angels
and the Cubs/Phillies were my pre-season picks for the playoffs.
I might miss the boat on that one. That said, I can literally
watch any two major league teams play at any time and be
excited. There are probably 32 people like me in the world
in that regard.
Writes: "As far as Cussler
goes, I have one thing to say to him. "Tough shit".
Once an author sells his property he/she/Tim Matheson has
to assume the worst and live with it. The money’s great
and unless they’re writing and producing the thing it’s
going to take on its own life."
you mean Richard Matheson in that rant of yours? Although
I must say picturing Tim Matheson as Robert Neville could
be considered inspired stunt casting!
other ponderings of mine, have you ever considered being
a guest on G4TechTV’s "Unscrewed with Martin Sargent"?
I think you’d be a good guest with your various internet
tales worthy of sharing. Just a thought. If you (or Devin)
haven’t seen the show yet, I’d highly recommend TiVo’ing
Reply: Actually, the Tim Matheson reference was
a gag. You see… I was summing humanity down to men, women,
and Tim Matheson. It’s just my [take it or leave it] sense
of humor. As for the show, it sounds neat, but they’ve not
approached me yet and I have no clue how to approach them.
Writes: Just wanted to let you know that my brand-spankin’
new Dead Zone DVD set arrived yesterday. I enter the contests
at CHUD a lot, and I’ve never won before – it’s okay, though,
because this was the one DVD that I really, really wanted
to win. I’ve been having a crappy past couple of weeks,
but that all melted away when I started watching DZ last
night. Thanks again – you guys are great, and keep up the
Reply: That’s what I like to hear. Usually, the
only time I hear from a contest entrant/winner is A.) Why
I haven’t announced the winners yet or B.) Why their prize
hasn’t arrived. Thanks for the note. Glad to help!
Writes: Yes! Bionic Commando is the greatest! But you
better not forget about Edward Carnby or the Syndicate!
Reply: You’ll take what I give you and like it! Just
like the guys in Cell Block #3.
Writes: I just read your info about us Brits getting
an extended version of Hellboy when it finally gets its
ass into the cinemas, I just read in a recent edition of
Empire that it might not actually happen. Guillermo Del
Toro said he hopes he can get the extended version into
UK cinemas, but due to time constraints it seems unlikely.
Reply: I’m going to talk to Mr. del Toro this week.
I’ll get to the bottom of this. As of Thursday of last week
(well after EMPIRE was printed), things looked good.
Writes: Vin Diesel could play Reacher if you start with
The Enemy, which is the latest novel and one that has Reacher
as a 29 yr-old Major. I think he’d be fine, although
I am in complete agreement about no one really filling the
role perfectly. I think Timothy Olyphant has that type of
big role in him, I just don’t think Reacher is it.
for Fletch, I think Shia Lebouf from Battle of Shaker Heights
and Holes would make a great Fletch, obviously for Fletch
Won. He could pass as a precocious cub reporter with a big
ego and a sense of distance from virtually any situation.
I like how young he is for the role and doesn’t look
like a 30 yr-old playing 19.
never seem to know what to do with these series of novels,
though. I’m still pissed they never made any more Easy
Reply: I think we’re doomed to get a piss poor Reacher
or no Reacher at all. By the way, doesn’t Jack Reacher sound
like a great gay porn name? As for Shia Lebouf… I’m thrilled
you don’t run a studio.
Writes: Love the site, ad nauseum. Anyway, I was at
the AICN site this morning (reading the spin on various
"classic" Spidey comics) when, in the messageboards,
I came across this link:
Chances are you’ve already seen it, but quite frankly it
pissed me off –
not so much the AICN/Harry bashing (which is commonplace
various movie websites) but rather the bashing CHUD and
Granted, for you it probably ain’t no big thing, but to
those of us who
read your site daily and appreciate the dry wit, sarcasm
and insight –
well, it torqued my jaws some.
Reply: For a while it was a big thing to me. I never
understood how much hate people could have for guys like
me and Micah and the other guys they attack there. Doctored
pictures of my daughter made to look killed, my wife’s head
pasted on porn, jokes about my deceased father, and untold
other harsh things they do… makes no sense. If the NAACP
only ventured in there, oh boy. Now, it pisses me off but
what can you do? There are assholes out there. Part of life.
I only hope one day that someone a lot sharper than me gives
these kids the big wake-up call that puts them in their
place. Either way, it’s not in my sphere of concern. I have
other stuff to worry about.
Writes: Thanks for the recommendation for Shade. I too
saw the trailer in front of Spartan (looking forward to
you review) and thought, great cast but it must suck because
it went straight to video. Now I’ll give it a spin in the
usually don’t send emails or comment on the boards because
whatever I say comes out misunderstood or stupid. I do want
to say this: I love the site and everything you and your
people do! Please keep up the hard work and I wish you all
the success in the world.
Reply: It’s a good little flick, one that Blockbuster
is selling for a song right now in their previously rented
by fools section.
Writes: Regarding the message from Mr. Boll:
an ignorant hack he truly is!
silly of me to think he was making an actual motion picture
– my mistake. Maybe I should have known it was going to
be a new form of video game movie. Smack me and call me
Ethel! I’ll know better next time.
Mr. Boll should have listened when the "fans"
spoke out against his planned used of game footage in the
movie. I remember him promising that he would not use shots
from the game, only to turn around and do it anyway.
anyone is retarded enough to bankroll this moron’s films
is beyond me.
Oh wait – he’s German – they love Hasselhoff there. ‘Nuff
Reply: I’m sorry. I can be of
no use to you. When I smack someone, I insist on calling
Writes: I think Viggo has gravitas up the wazzu, but
he is too short to play REACHER! And too old to be the reacher
of KILLING FLOOR. Val Kilmer could do it, I swear. John
Cusack, could really do it. How fun would that be to see
our contemporary…the star who grew up with us, pull that
one off! I would start the series off with WITHOUT FAIL,
since it is a little more accesible to the mass public,
then do ECHO BURNING, the finish it with KILLING FLOOR.
Out of sequence, but great….or PERSUADER done all claustraphobic
and creepy, a la PSYCHO.
Not Vin Diesel. I want to see him blow shit up. I like Diesel
a lot, but think he neeeds to not be REACHER. I don’t buy
Reply: Watch it with the height jokes! Kilmer could
do it, so could Viggo and so could Kevin Bacon, Cusack,
or a few others. It’s just that the character is such a
physical specimen it’d be hard to find it. Without that,
I’m thinking of an actor who has the demeanor. Viggo can
OF THE DAY.
Writes: kelvin ricochetparallelepiped drumhead motoroladune
satanic circleinfluent mahayana feintspinneret seville nbcplayhouse
scion swagewanton turnpike millardpolytope bloodline glutamicproliferate
chaw lilliputianthoroughbred governess prophetdicta nicotinamide
sickishreversible lore scoundreladsorbate dianne inhereherodotus
carryover cardiovascularchoose camino incastock corpora
brakemanchairwoman pundit brushfireabc lawbreaker danishcurious
dowel swordplaycalcutta leisure tinglebaritone cholera humidifyreese
pack blvdjitterbugging backup federalisothermal heckman
abbotguillotine modem dissonantpermute cathy nikkoclamshell
selectman laughterstockpile shook melanincollate permute
brushycram dickinson compulsiverealisable drew careyholloway
consanguineous rubbishstuff swordfish beardsleyjangle chastity
corneaangelica ferromagnetism squadronacyclic buckshot laboratoryaden
autobiography blombergaloha drench createbattlefront
Reply: I hope you’re proud of yourself, Phil.
so few of you read the message boards, I’m going to pop
in a few self promotional tidbits here from time to time.
The great thing is: You can avoid this section if it bothers
other news, and normally this wouldn’t even deserve a mention
in this column, but every once in a while real people read
the stuff perpetrated by cowards and trolls and take it
seriously. So, to clear matters up, here’s a little bit
Devin did indeed write the Spider-Man
Slashdot.org was given the full text by someone
claiming they had written it, which a few trolls accused
us of plagiarizing from even though it was our content.
Slashdot later fixed the mistake and balance was restored
to the force. To you assholes who thought you were top shit
because you got a few people to believe you… You’re weak,
useless, and worthy of a stomp to the face should we ever
meet. Of course, the real world is a place that frightens
and diminishes you..
We are not adding Moriarty and
Clarence Beaks to CHUD.com. They have an online
home and that home needs them and it’s perfect for them
as it is. Why the heck would they come here where the linen’s
rarely cleaned and the food’s always covered in some greasy,
Italian sauce. To the assholes who started that rumor just
because they cannot generate anything on their own without
attacking us… You’re weak, useless, and worthy of a stomp
to the face should we ever meet. Of course, the real world
is a place where you’re laughed at and repressed because
your opinions and tastes only work in small groups of people
in white hoods. Oh, and the banjo player from Deliverance
called you ugly. Yow.
CHUD Ran the Movies’, by Nick Nunziata