What
a week! I’ve spent more time on the telephone this week
than I did with my first few girlfriends. Remember those
days? The ones where you’d talk all night long and sometimes
one would fall asleep and the other would be there on the
other end just hanging out and discovering the others’ snore
patterns?

Well
this week I surely built a tumor somewhere behind my right
ear from all the cell-talk. Detractors rejoice! My head
could officially battle Chris Reeve in Superman IV.

Otherwise,
I sort of apologize for the lack of editorials this week
but not really. We’ve been busting out content like big
dogs and there’s only so much meandering bullshit in my
nuclear head.

Now,
on with the Leak!

CHIN-Tastic!

BUY IT!It’s
rare that I implore you to find a movie at all costs, but
today is one of those days. I just watched a film that changed
my life.

Not
in a big way where the air smells fresher, the sky is brighter,
and there’s a fresh outlook on the day. More of a smaller
way, one which manifests itself in one’s socks being a little
softer and one’s wrists being a tad bit more masculine,
if but for a moment.

Samurai
Cop
.

Holy
shit. This film does the unthinkable, it attempts to coast
on Robert Z’dar’s Maniac Cop credibility.

Think
about that for a moment. The whole… marketing campaign…
for this film is tailored around Z’dar’s mini-franchise
about an undead cop with an enormous chin. This was done
sometime around the time Z’dar also appeared in Tango
& Cash
, where he played a villainous convict…
with an enormous chin.

Do
some math with me:

Think
of the worst low budget film you’ve ever seen, divide it
by your best teenage home movie shot for the budget of whatever
the cost of the blank tape was, and multiply it by Robert
Z’dar. Siphon any resemblance to real Samurai culture out,
add gratuitous but unarousing nudity and you have Samurai
Cop
. It’s a film I cannot believe really exists
because it is so amateurish and bad that it defies humanity.

Of
course I love it! The great thing is that Bobby D’z isn’t
the Samurai Cop! That honor goes to the stiff white hunk
of vacuum that is Matt Hannon.

I
won’t spoil the film, but I will say that Joe Bob Briggs’
comedic commentary and the utter ramrod shaftness of the
movie makes it worth your $8.99 should you find this pile
in a store (I’ve provided an Amazon link if you click the
picture above).

A
few weeks ago I started my little weekend screenings of
bad/great/bad movies at the house and it was a rousing success.
We did The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra. It’s
my goal to do these once a month with a rotating cast of
friends and readers.

The
next one will probably be this abomination. This wondrous,
beautiful, evil abomination. Anyone out there with the lingering
stench of this film in your psyche?

If
you’d like, SEND
A LETTER
with your comments on this noise.

Screener
Bafflement.

There’s
a trend in my business that makes no sense. It’s how some
studios send out their screener DVD offerings for television
season sets.

They
send the first and the last disc only.

They
figure, you’ll get the idea how it starts and see how it
resolves. The rest is insignificant. It’d be like fondling
your date for a while and phase shifting to the bed just
as you’re pulling yourself off him/her/it/Lance Guest. Where’s
the fun in that? Just imagine if the 2nd act of your favorite
movie disappeared.

No
Dagobah training sequence.
No battle with the Pit Fiend.

No battle between Samurai Cop and Thug #11.

That’s
incredible. I don’t know about you but I know I wouldn’t
trust the review of someone who hasn’t watched the whole
season of a show. The beginning and end are pointless without
the middle.

I
guess that’s why I don’t run a major home video studio.

If
you’d like, SEND
A LETTER
with your comments on this noise.

More
Things That Don’t Suck…

Here’s
a change-up of some rather surprising and nice things somehow
attached to the entertainment industry and life. I don’t
hate everything, you know…

1.
Those first few moments with a film you’re excited about
when you get to taste the tone and style it’s going to have
for the first time.

2.
When you’re at the end of the row in a theater and the people
who take bathroom breaks don’t step on everything you’ve
ever called skin. Extra points to the attractive ladies
you grab the junk as they pass.

3.
100% of the non-Lucasfilm public hates that Greedo shot
first.

4.
Werewolf movies are getting popular.

5.
Rhona Mitra.

6.
People are wising up to the low carb bullshit just as every
corporation is rolling out low carb versions of their product.

7.
Spider-Man 2 hasn’t had to remove The Empire State
Building from their latest poster.

8.
No matter how, many, commas, I use in a, sentence, I’ll
never be, Peter David.

If
you’d like, SEND
A LETTER
with your comments on this noise.

The
Fact this Exists is Hilarious, Part 11.

If
you’d like, SEND
A LETTER
with your comments on this noise.

Mailbagsukidoji:

They
say that the Internet is filled with fools, but we’re out
to prove them wrong. Of course, who are these “they”
people we always hear about? Of course, your comments are
the lifeblood of this column. Please keep them coming. Don’t
be afraid to hold back.
Regardless,
here’s another batch of letters from the great Sewer Chewership
out there. To send a letter, CLICK
HERE
.

Shameless
Praise.

Andrea
Writes:
nick, you are a god. i don’t know how you do
it. last night i was running my mouse down the list of dvd
reviews on the site, looking for a blazing saddles review,
and what do i find the very next day? a blazing saddles
review. i love you.

Nick’s
Reply:
Emails like this are as rare as identical snowflakes
but they’re brilliant any way you slice them. Thanks for
the wonderful comments, but I have to come clean. I’m just
a man. A short one at that. But, I’m HUNG
LIKE A GOD
!

Fake
Posters.

Brian
Writes:
I’m going to recycle
the “If CHUD Ran” posters for a while. I think
I blew my wad with Manitou’s Most Wanted. I doubt I’ll be
able to top that for some time.
” – June 18th
Leak

Why
don’t you feature some of the Chewers be damned posters
for a while. Some of them are so great that you don’t even
need to know the featured chewer to get a laugh.

Nick’s
Reply:
Nah. That’s a message boards exclusive. The “If
CHUD Ran” things are pretty much my baby. Dan does
them for the magazine and sometimes (in the past) for the
site but I’d prefer to keep them restricted to my limited
talents.

Vulgar.


Cracker Jack Writes:
I am writing in response to the
letter from “Jack”, who wrote an obscenity laced
rant against the mentally retarded. Was there any particular
reason you decided to give this guy a forum for his unbelievably
insensitive and highly offensive diatribe? I mean, c’mon
Nick – surely you didn’t find the feverish manifestations
of his sick mind amusing. I’ve seen you complain about some
of the garbage posted in the forums and then you print this
guys letter for the whole CHUD world to see. What gives?

Nick’s
Reply:
I ran it because I don’t want it to be
just wine and roses in here. Plus, I figured that the craziness
of the letter would be a nice counterweight to the other
stuff and make my insanity sane in comparison.

He
MAY Vote Bush.

Robert
Writes:
I believe in truth in advertising so shouldn’t
Michael MorePie’s “Crocumentary” be titled “Fallacy
9/11″? Just like Billy Clinton’s book cover should
read “My Lies” with the back cover saying “Even
Monica couldn’t swallow this load!”. There needs to
be a rather noticeable disclaimer on the poster for “Fallacy
9/11″ letting attendees (all 3 of them) know that this
is a work of fiction & that Mr. Moore-on has a history
of distorting the facts to suit his political agenda. Hell,
I’d even settle for the French stamp of approval on the
one-sheet!
Hopefully with “Spiderman 2″ swinging into theaters
just 4 days after Moore-on’s cinematic crap fest spews forth,
his “film” will quickly be relegated to the 2
for a dollar bin at Wallmart by the end of the year. And
we all can continue to enjoy a summer of REAL films &
ole’ Mikey can go back to masturbating over pictures of
himself.

 

Nick’s
Reply:
You write like the Cryptkeeper’s slow
cousin.

Race
To The Finish.

Michael
Writes:
What’s up? I have two beefs. First, why is it
when someone is discussing the mentally challenged or homosexuals
they often make a connection or reference to some minority
group; typically blacks? This happens all the time. For
example, in Jimmy’s response to the ‘retards’ diss he says,
“First of all, they are called mentally challenged
now, just like black people are African-American…”
To his credit, he does furnish a little Irish joke at the
end to make it sound better, but still, this type of rhetoric
has always been a little insulting. Race issues have no
similarity to issues involving sexuality or mental retardation.
It’s like subtly equating sexual deviancy or a mental handicap
to being a minority. Not even close. Is this saying that
being black and being ‘retarded’ are the same?
I think anyone would choose being a minority over being
mentally challenged. However, as funny as this sounds, I
still think a retarded gay white has it better than a retarded
gay ‘Afr ican-American’ in this country. And if
they want to get married to each other, that’s fine with
me too.

Beef
two. I, along with most of my fam and friends don’t
have any problem with being called ‘black’. I
personally wear this label proudly. I don’t know where
the hell ‘African-American’ came from, but frankly
it makes little sense to me. I think the trick here is to
try to make a historically disenfranchised group feel like
they have every right and opportunity as any other ‘American’.
And don’t get me wrong, I love America; wouldn’t
want to be anywhere else, but we aren’t really there
yet…are we? I mean on paper, sure everyone has the
same rights. But in reality…in everyday life, is this
really so? And to the doubters, you wouldn’t understand
unless you lived it. Granted its closer now than let’s
say 30 years ago and there are many things we as a people
could do to make things better for ourselves, but it’s
certainly not equal in the sense that it makes no difference
if you are black or white. Secondly, I’m not with all
the PC assimilation-speak. The ‘we are all Americans’
type of thing. I mean we all live in this country together
and we should try to respect and get along with each other,
but there is nothing wrong with diversity. I’m happy
to be black…wouldn’t want to be anything else.
I take the good with the bad and I don’t think that
anyone should be ‘watered down’ to being just
‘American’. Lastly, if I’m ‘African-American’,
what does this really mean? Am I from the Ivory Coast, South
Africa, or Kenya? Am I Ethiopian or Egyptian? Frankly, most
of us have no idea since our entire heritage, true names
and everything else were stolen along with our ancestors
when taken as slaves. Not to mention all the plantation
owners, slave masters and any other horny white dude stealing
a piece and mixing us all up. I mean can you please find
a true African chick that looks anything close to Meagan
Good? And what about people of Jamaican or Dominican decent
in this country? Are they African too? So its not the same
as being called Chinese-American or Irish-American. If you
are going to be ambiguous to a fault, just be totally ambiguous
and use ‘Black’. That way it infers a cultural
reference too, not just a place of origin. Just don’t
let me catch you using the term n****r,lol.

Anyway,
this email is way too long. Don’t know why the hell
I jumped on the racial and political tip, I typically just
enjoy your column for the few laughs it provides and to
break-up a little monotony at work from time to time. Keep
it up. Holla!

Nick’s
Reply:
Wait, being black and retarded aren’t the same
thing?

(rimshot)

You
have to understand this: White people are often very, VERY
careful about how they discuss their darker speciesmates.
It’s a delicate line and they tend to go out of their way
to NOT address the color issue. To the point where they’ll
describe a person without the color issue. “You know
Gabe? He’s the bald guy. The one with the goatee. He wears
that cool watch you mentioned.” “Oh, the black
guy?” “Um, yeah.”

It’s
weird, fella. I think that it looks like things are in pretty
sorry shape when it comes to how people deal with each other
without the aspect of color and when you toss that in, forget
it. I personally don’t like the idea that every bookstore
has to have a separate “African American” section
because it divides us more. I don’t think we need to have
“Black History Month” or “Gay Pride Month”
because what the fuck about the other eleven months of the
year? Shall we call them “Ostracize at Will”?

Of
course, I’m not the guy to address this. I crapped out in
those classes in high school and my college consisted of
a crappy little film academy in the seedy part of Atlanta
that was run by crooks. All I know is that people are people.
Some suck. Most seem to. Color is rarely an issue. White
people, black people, even those crazy yellow people. Some
are great, some are crap, and none of them can take a joke.

Best
of luck, thanks for the letter, stay black, I’ll stay heinously
white.

Blockbusted?

Ian
Writes:
Longtime reader, first time rim-jobber. Just
so that’s out of the way…

I
assume you’re heard of the Blockbuster/Viacom split (http://dvd.ign.com/articles/525/525185p1.html,
confirmed pretty much anywhere else online), but what had
me as a loss for words was the statement that “The
company… plans to expand in-store sales of DVDs and videogames.”

I
was a Blockbuster employee from 1994 to 1997, and can distinctly
recall that the company has tried this business tactic already.
I remember the outfitting and remodeling of stores with
a larger selection of sell-through movies as well as non-movie
products such as CDs, magazines, and plush toys for the
kiddies.

I
also distinctly remember the conversion back to a “plain
old video store”
a year or two later, as they could never match dedicated
movie and music stores in either selection or price, and
the other non-movie or game product collected dust on shelving
units as well. People wanted to find their movie and leave
as soon as humanly possible, not browse over a cart packed
with “Star Trek: First Contact” mugs and a Klingon
hockey jersey – those were real items we sold, I feces you
not. Between the grubby hands and drool of children toys,
magazines and merchandise were ripped apart, dirtied, broken,
and generally rendered unsellable. It was a huge failure,
and I can only imagine how much money the company lost simply
on the remodeling and re-remodeling of thousands of stores.

That
was the mid-to-late 1990’s. If it were a failure nearly
10 years ago, who among us thinks that Blockbuster can compete
for sales in the Internet age? I remember when there was
an *actual need* to special order movies for purchase at
Blockbuster – hell, that’s where I’d get my (then) hard-to-find
Widescreen copies of “The Abyss” and “Terminator
2″ back in the dark ages of Fox’s special line of “Widescreen
Series”… all 5 choices of them. Those days are long
past.

However,
I’m sure they would had stood a better chance of surviving
without their “Bending over to the Christian Right”
policy of “No NC-17 or Porn”. Can you imagine
having to watch the edited version of “Requiem for
a Dream”? Well, if you’re in a town where Blockbuster
has driven the local video store out of business, you’ve
got no other choice if not for an Internet rental service.
The fact that as a former New Yorker now living in the middle
of Kentucky where there are three local video stores, all
with a decent selection of porn, makes living here almost
bearable.

There
are reasons why Tower Records filed for bankruptcy, and
Suncoast Video is empty in whatever mall I visit. Those
reasons end in .com, and begin with “Amazon” and
“Netflix.”

Nick’s
Reply:
I for one would LOVE to see them show their ass
and fail miserably. Serves them right. Of course, I’d also
love to see them get their shit together and embrace the
videophile and the films that aren’t easy to sell to families.
I’m easy like that.

More
Riddick?

Matt
Writes:
Just a quick question for you. The other day
Dave mentioned on the site that it looked like The Chronicles
of Riddick won’t be turning into a franchise. Does
this mean that there won’t be a sequel to Riddick?
I should hope not, since the end of the first film (second
I guess if you count Pitch Black) was pretty much a cliffhanger.
Have you heard anything? Keep up the good work.

Nick’s
Reply:
I emailed David Twohy after I saw Riddick
and wished him luck and told him that I liked his film and
that it’d be nice to finally exchange more than one sentence
emails. I haven’t heard back, but I’m hoping that Twohy
does get a chance to finish his story in one way or another.
It’ll have to KILL on video, I suppose.

Nostalgia’s
a Bitch.

Matt
Writes:
Though I am personally not familiar with the
original Land of the Lost series (I do remember the early
90’s UPDATE of the series with effects by the Chiodo brothers)
I catch your drift about the diminishing returns of childhood
programming (I have the same lingering concerns about the
upcoming “Garfield and Friends” set).

However,
I have to wonder why people enjoy going back and watching
many of these old programs in the first place. Is it because
the programs were actually quality, or is it enjoyment as
the result of powerful nostalgia? Signs point to nostalgia.
Shows like Gilligan’s Island, The Dukes of Hazzard, G.I.
Joe, or many other old shows really are not of very good
quality and most of the shows’ plots are basically identical
and fall apart under a discriminating eyes. The question
is how far can nostalgic enjoyment carry beloved mediocre
show. Again, not very far. I’d wager most of these sets
get watched once and then placed on the shelf to age some
more. Though I hope Land of the Lost isn’t as bad as you
expect it will be.

And
watching junk TV won’t exactly warp children automatically,
but I am opposed to it anyways because I realize that ten
years from now all the Hot Topics will be selling hip, “retro”
Pokemon and Yu-gi-oh t-shirts. And Telletubbies. Just make
sure you’re daughter’s matured enough when she’s 16 to avoid
this exploitative nostalgia crap.

Nick’s
Reply:
Well, some of the stuff we grow up on isn’t crap.
It’s just a matter of finding that out before you cough
up the dough.

Slice
of Life.

Matthew
Writes:
Buenos tardes amigos and amigas.
Just a quick note about my experience watching THE CHRONICLES
OF RIDDICK, this early afternoon, here in the bastion of
domestic bliss that is Torrance, California.

The film, to me, was all the elemnts we love of James Cameron,
Mad Max films, space operas and Sylvester Stalonne movies.
“Cobra” a la “Beyond the Thunderdome”.
Heh heh.
Anyhow, these geeks in the restroom were bemoaning “Riddick”:
Geek 1: Ah man, that was HORRIBLE. Vin Diesel’s agent should
be shot!
Geek 2: I know. That was way-too sci-fi.
Geek 3: I mean, it was all so UNBELIEVABLE.
Geek 1: Like that could ever even happen.

(I am trying not to burst into laughter as I use facilities….)

Geek 3: Did you see the poster for “Catwoman?”
Geek 2: THAT looked alright! More of her tits please.
Geek 3: That is a movie I would happily pay my eight bucks
for….not this crap.
Geek 1: “Catwoman” will own.
(Happily, I am on my way out the door at this point…)

I
will just let the events speak for themselves.

Nick’s
Reply:
That’s the mindset we all have to deal with.
They’re not CHUD.com readers, that’s for sure. They’re casual
movie watchers. God help them.

The
Man Who Knew Too Much.

Brad
Writes:
I’m a bit of a movie geek. Nothing too
strange there, most of the people who visit this site are.
But I wonder if any other film geeks out there are experiencing
the same phenomena as I am.

The
problem? I have totally lost any sense of surprise or wonder
when I see a good film. I already know too much about a
film before I see it: I’ve read the set reports, the
press junkets and the myriad reviews on CHUD, AICN and Dark
Horizons. I have not been pleasantly surprised by a movie
in so long (I think it was Amelie for me) that I’m
actually beginning to wonder if it’s because there
hasn’t been any pleasantly surprising movie made in
a while. But no: it’s because I’m hooked on film
news websites and am blind to spoiler warnings and am too
weak to stop myself.

I
discovered the geek sites a couple of years ago when I read
a news report that Harry Knowles had seen Attack of the
Clones before anyone else and had posted a review. I discovered
this online world of movie geeks and the rest is history.

I
guess it’s ironic that my love for movies draws me
to these sites and, in so doing, also takes a good deal
of the magic out of that love. I can’t blame you, Nick.
It’s not your fault you’re such a funny bastard.
I can only blame my own weak will.

I’m
torn. I don’t want to give up the web sites. I want
to be pleasantly surprised by a movie that slips under the
radar, unfortunately not much slips under the radar these
days. Maybe I’ll need to find other web sites to occupy
my down time – I’ve heard that if you look hard
enough, you can find pornography on the internet..

Thanks
for listening.

Nick’s
Reply:
I guess it’s a matter of
discipline. I personally don’t find that it taints my enjoyment
knowing what’s to come. We all knew Frodo was going to toss
the ring into the lava and that Gollum was going to pull
a Ripley. We know that Anakin and Padme’s love story isn’t
going to be a happy one though there apparently will be
some screwing at some point. We know that the shark is going
to explode or electrocute or impale itself on a boat yet
we still enjoy the films. It’s not as much what they do
but how they do it. That said, it’s the job of responsible
webmasters to not give EVERYTHING away and to at least provide
tons of disclaimers about stuff like the big twist endings
to The Village or Mean Girls.

Not
Much To Say.

Rob
Writes:
You requested on the boards that we give you
a little extra feedback so you could pump out three Steady
Leaks this week so I’m sending this to do my part. Anything
to get some extra Piss and/or Vinegar in my diet.

The only problem is that I really don’t have much to say.
I’m really loving this site…especially lately. There’s
been massive updates. It’s tough to keep up some days. And
the DVD reviews have been pouring in. Tell your guys that
if sometimes they don’t get a comment right away on a review
(they’re all good) it’s simply because of the huge bulk
of content CHUD has. Same situation with the new columns.
Devin, Dave and your columns are all great.

See what I mean? Not much to say. Status quo. Everything’s
great. Boring, boring boring. So the way I figure it, if
the interestingness of my feedbacks are inversely proportionate
to the interestingness of CHUD, I say: keep me boring.

Also, thanks for the Universal Monster DVD set. I’m watching
my mailbox like a hawk for when it arrives.

Nick’s
Reply:
Thanks, man! I mailed your winning prize out
on Tuesday. I sent it UPS Underground, which means it’ll
arrive in 2010: The Year We Make Contact.

SPAM
OF THE DAY.

Paula
Writes:
The Ädult film industry has been using
Instant Growth Formula on their sets for years.

Ever wonder how pörnstars have such big cöcks?
Well now you know.

Add
size thickness and girth with no effort at all!

Nick’s
Reply:
I don’t wonder why the
pörnstars
have such big cöcks. I think it’s all just fancy camera
angles and forced perspective with tiny vaginas. I wonder
how one can obtain their own umlaut!

Shameless
Self-Promotion Dept:

Since
so few of you read the message boards, I’m going to pop
in a few self promotional tidbits here from time to time.
The great thing is: You can avoid this section if it bothers
you.

The
archive of my CNN.com articles is right HERE.
A new one appears every Tuesday. The latest is A Galaxy
Close, Close Away
, right
here
.

Song
of the day: PAN IN YOUR PANTS, by The Lucky Nightsticks.
This is a DUMB song,
but I love it. By Nick, John, and Steve. Click HERE
to download and HERE
for a place to comment.


‘IF
CHUD Ran the Movies’, by Nick Nunziata

See
you tomorrow!