Someone has to draw the line somewhere. Someone needs to stand up and demand a change. Someone needs to lead the way. Someone has to stop running all these fucking inane Indiana Jones IV stories.
Has there ever been as much bandwidth wasted on a movie that’s essentially theoretical? Every time anyone speaks to Harrison Ford, George Lucas or Steven Spielberg, they ask about Indiana Jones IV. And every time they’re asked, these guys obligingly reply with some scrap of total non-information*, and then the entire internet becomes abuzz with it. And I don’t know what’s most frustrating about that for me – having to come up with jokes about how fucking old Harrison Ford is or reading everybody else’s jokes about how fucking old Harrison Ford is.
Well, it’s happened again – Harrison Ford (HE’S REALLY FUCKING OLD, LOLZ) was at the Rome Film Festival and said that he’s in good shape to recrack the whip: "We did three films that stay within the same block of time. We need to move on for artistic reasons and obvious physical reasons," Ford said. "I feel fit to continue and bring the same physical action."
He also blathered about Sean Connery appearing in the movie. Look, Connery will probably be DEAD by the time this gets made**, so my advice is to not even bother writing the character in.
And now, with that latest bit of nonsense, I give you my pledge that the next time you read something about Indiana Jones IV on CHUD it will be when there’s actual news to report. Not when George Lucas is FedExed a script, not when Spielberg is accosted on the red carpet and gives a completely non-committal expression of interest, and not when Harrison Ford is awoken from a drunken stupor in the back seat of his girlfriend’s car on a studio lot and blames ShortRound for slipping him a roofie. No, the next time you will read news about Indiana Jones IV*** is when the film is greenlit, when casting begins, or maybe even when the fucking thing comes out and I review it. Or, to be fair, when I get an exclusive bit of fluff from one of the principals that I think will get us links from other sites. But that’s it.
* I refer to this as “Oh Don Piano” news. Click here for more explanation. Here’s the actual clip. I am crying from laughing at it. This is why the internet wins.
** A couple of months back I was putting the finishing touches on an editorial about how there would never be a sequel to Batman Begins when, literally moments before I published it, the official press release from Warner Bros about The Dark Knight landed in my inbox. With that in mind, it could be quite possible that Indy IV is announced Monday and starts shooting in November.
*** On my watch, anyway. You may have noticed lately that the site is a touch Devin-heavy these last few weeks – keep the fat jokes to yourself – and I don’t see that changing in the near future. But if the status quo does change here on CHUD**** I cannot be responsible for future Oh Don Piano news re: Indy IV.
**** Or if Nick logs on from the set of Grizzly Park and decides that he wants to run an Indy IV story. This is his sandbox I’m playing in.