To those who didn’t wonder where I was, I believe the answer can be found in the Holy Scriptures.

Eat Me

FEAST ON THISDuring the supposedly final wobbly season of Project Greenlight, chances are you, like me, had no idea how the hell Director John Gulager was going to pull off Feast, especially with his unique presentation skills. Evidently, Gulgar’s punched those fears right where the sun don’t shine – grab at that and read Nick’s DVD review. The plot, a slight re-tweak on From Dusk Til Dawn, has a group of nubile hardbodies (like Henry Rollins and Judah Friedlander) and one Man named Clu teaming up, in a Bar no less, to battle viciousness in the form of blood-thirsty creatures. What works is the vaya con dios chutzpah of both Gulager and his writers Marcus Dustan and Patrick Melton; everyone makes sure you never become too attached to the little things, like limbs and back hair. If you did see this in its extremely limited theatrical run, now’s the time to spread the word almost as fast as everyone’s favorite Toxic Shock Syndrome.

Say it ain’t so – with:
- Audio commentary with Director John Gulager, Producers Mike Leahy and Joel Soisson, Writers Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton, and Creature and Makeup Effects Designer Gary Tunnicliffe
- Blood on the Cutting Room Floor (aka Deleted Scenes)
- Horror Under the Spotlight: Making Feast
- The Blood and Guts of Gary Tunnicliffe
- Feast Soundtrack Promotion
- A Small Feast of Outtakes

666The first thought (of many suspicious ones) was: why remake this? There’s no real reason to do a line-for-line re-imagining, a term used as loose as Russ Meyer intended it to be, even when the illustrious WGA petitioned to have David Seltzer credited – and won. Aside from a few incomplete visual flourishes, this is, after all, John Moore (Behind Enemy Lines, Flight of the Phoenix), The Omen (2006) is as Devin mentions (in his negative review) “so fastidiously faithful you have to wonder what the point is.” It certainly ain’t Shakespeare. There’s a tiny exemption of the a fairly ingenious Mia Farrow, stretching her mantra (and my new rap group) “killin’ ‘em with kindness,” but other than that, it’s lacking. Whereas Richard Donner’s more uneven version has its atmospheric tone in the right place, Moore seems more content with loud large noises and scary weather machines off camera. At least there’s always Sam Neill in Omen IV.

The child is dead – with:
- Audio commentary with Moore, Producer Glenn Williamson and Editor Dan Zimmerman
- Revelation 666
- Unrated extended sequences and alternate ending
- Omenisms
- Abby Road Sessions
- Trailers

DREAMZChris and Paul Weitz are like Avis, trying hard to be Billy Wilder (they’ve got to contend with Cameron Crowe). While I think About a Boy is wonderful (and both “rubbish, mate!” – I say this lovingly), it certainly isn’t Wilderesque (Elizabethtown isn’t either). Neither are the topicalities in American Pie. Or even American Dreamz (Devin’s negative review), which strives harder and more furious than your nightly closed-door internet sessions. The basic premise is that more people vote for an American Idol than do for President (as they should with both insipid parties). The Weitz’s then take that and run, falling 25-30 yards short. There are the characters who populate this tragicomedy, people like Mandy Moore’s Sally Kendoo, Hugh Grant’s Simon Cowell clone, Willem DaFoe’s balding DICK (vagueness intentional), and even Texan Dennis Quaid’s impersonation of a retarded Texan. There are the interconnected events, and each one leads itself down the aisle to more greener pastures – like the valley in the shadow of death. That’s where most of the prescient jokes are.

Be Omar-sexual – with:
- Audio commentary with Paul Weitz and Actor Sam Golzari
- Dance Dreamz
- Center Stage: Sally Kendo
- Some deleted scenes
- Trailer

BREAK THIS FOOLFor a most unmemorable movie (‘Owner of a Lonely Heart’ stands out), The Break-Up isn’t really much. It’s Vince Vaughn doing his schtick to the nth degree (and I’ll but myself in by saying he’s been far more enjoyable in other films). It’s Jennifer Aniston showing haphazard emotions – anger, annoyance, mild thinking. It’s John Favreau completely wasted as a friend/bar keep. It’s Jason Bateman wearing glasses. It’s Vincent D’Onofrio being weird. It’s all these things and then some – because it’s bouncing all over the place to produce “jokes.” They’re more of a by-product anyway, of the seriously stunted end of days in the Chicagoan relationship between Gary and Brooke. While the realism of their moments is captured in a truthful way (Down with Love’s Payton Reed directs), it all doesn’t quite make nice with comedy. Instead, it ends up being adequate and it’s not because I’m sad, lowly, and bitter.

Have a signing, dancing, sprite fool you with trickery – with:
- Audio commentary with Director Payton Reed, Vaughn, and Aniston.
- Alternate ending
- Some deleted scenes
- Some extended sequences
- Improv with Vince Vaughn and Jon Favreau
- Three Brothers: a tour of Chicago
- Outtakes
- Trailer

Big LoveWhat do you think of the name Newell?” “I think it says kick me and take my lunch money.” And thus began Big Love: The Complete First Season’s quest to turn me into a punch line. It wasn’t just my mouth dropping that both Chloë Sevigny and Bill Paxton’s polygamist Bill Henrickson were saying it, it was that I was being name-dropped – Dr. J dunked into the circular file. They might as well have said “what do you think of that medicore asshole Newell?” And so, HBO, Anima Sola, and Tom Hanks and Gary Goetzman’s Playtone – I offer you a chance to make amends. Your show, while starting off a little woozy, has grown on me. It took me a while to jump right into the frazzled juggling life of Paxton, his wives, and the one whose dark arts reign supreme – yes, Harry Dean Stanton – and I honestly don’t think I’ll be looking forward to season 2 with my phone ringing off the hook from suspicious miscreants huffing “I’ma gonna kick you, and then I’ma gonna ra–” unless I have Season 1 sitting on my shelf. Pandering? You betcha, but then again, you guys also brought this hellishness upon me. Jerks.

Kick this – with:
- 12 episodes on five discs
- Two audio commentaries with Bill Paxton, Jeanne Tripplehorn, Chloë Sevigny and Ginnifer Goodwin
- Big Love: A Balancing Act on Ice – the making of the opening title sequence
- Episodic Previews
- Episodic Recaps

REST STOPThe completely adulterous Unrated version of Rest Stop is finally breaking new ground, if only because the version on Sci-Fi a while back has been given a new life – specifically in the “more strong violence and gore, language and some sexuality” department, a place I’ve seen a few hanging out without parental guidance. Director John Shiban, who aided in X-Files, Trek: Enterprise, and Supernatural, continues with the line of horror films were two main characters stop and are taunted by sadistic psychopaths – this time it’s a family of fun, so-to speak. Word is Shiban doesn’t really present anything new to the genre, as Rest Stop supposedly keeps plugging along with the same beats as every other horror film you’ve undoubtedly scoured down. Still, if the idea of a young scantily-clad woman with blood dripping all over her can walk slowly in front of a truck on fire, then this movie’s probably for your heaving curiosities.

Papa was a rolling stone – with:
- Unrated (runs 85 minutes) and R-rated (runs 80 minutes) cuts
- Three alternate endings (R-rated has 2 alternate endings)
- Scotty’s Home Movies: a unique family album from one of the oddest characters in Rest Stop (Unrated version only)
- On The Bus: a view of the activities that happen on the old yellow bus (unrated version only)
- Trailer

Michael Caine’s seemingly stunted films get a reemergence with the troika of The Magus, Deadfall, and Peeper – a title that both L. B. Jefferies and I can relate to. Caine’s storied career has had more ups (Jaws: The Revenge, Quiet American, The HAND) and downs (Mr. Destiny) than the rides outside of Reno, NV and these three films add to his illustrious allure. Most of them have enjoyable bits – surely like the contents of Caine’s dungarees. The Magus, besides being something that fellates you in the Scottish Highlands, has Caine’s schoolteacher taking over on a small island in Greece, where he comes face-to-face with the mysterious Anthony Quinn. It’s a slight film, with some charms. Deadfall, meanwhile, has Caine teaming up with a bored housewife to rob, cheat, and steal. Add in a little dash of homosexuality, and you’re onto something… adequate. As for Peeper, Caine teams up with Natalie Wood (and Peter Hyams, sad face) to spoof various 40’s films about Private Dicks. It’s no Sleuth, I’ll tell you that.


Do a lot of things in private – with:
- New featurette (The Magus, Deadfall, and on Peeper)
- Trailers
(The Magus, Deadfall, and on Peeper)

WILDER SPEAKSFamed filmmaker Volker Schlöndorff helped make a 1991 documentary that was implicitly under the agreement that it wouldn’t be released until after the subject’s death. Unfortunately for the cinephile in all of us, that subject was the magnificent Billy Wilder, but fortunately, their collaboration was Billy Wilder Speaks. Airing relentlessly on Austrian television and once on TCM (where I promptly, like a fool, missed it), the study into the art and inner-workings of one of the greatest observers of wit, tenacity, and human interaction is culled together from nearly 4-hours of intimate interviews with Wilder himself. Over the course of 71 minutes, Wilder’s films and career is discussed at length – so be prepared to venture into Holden, Hitchcock, Hepburn, Lemmon, Garbo, Matthau, Dietrich, Stanwyck, Cooper, Milland, and Lubitsch territory. This doc is shaping up to be a must-see for me, considering the sheer amount of titles Wilder produced under the most wondrous of circumstances – his films are spectacularly amazing in firing your cinematic optimism. Together with Cameron Crowe’s exemplary Conversations with Wilder (buy that immediately), this makes for a fascinating look into the mind of a giant not named Andre.

With a little chocolate on top – with:
- 70 minutes of additional interview footage and on-camera commentary by Volker Schlondorff
- Gallery of Billy Wilder trailers
- Billy Wilder filmography
- Essay by Volker Schlondorff

In the Criterion file this week, there’s two of interest: Lodge Kerrigan’s Clean, Shaven and Alfonso Cuaron’s Sólo con tu pareja. Kerrigan’s film is the most challenging, as his protagonist is prone to fits of self-mutilation and bouts of melancholy that’d make Frank Booth blush. While not entirely sure of himself, his quest to find his daughter in the chilly northeastern Canada shore is filled with sights and sounds that are entirely unique and ultimately dooming. I still get chills looking at my fingernail. As I’ve heard, Kerrigan’s audio commentary with Steven Soderbergh manages to hit a variety of beats that should be of use to those stills scratching their heads about the film’s events. As a necessary coupling, Cuaron’s film is about the ravages of a young Casanova whose life is toyed around with as a cuckolded former one-night stand, who happens to be a nurse falsely diagnosis him with AIDS. Sound funny? Honestly, it is. As an added bonus, there’s Cuaron’s 1983 short, Quartet for the End of Time, and I’ve been looking forward to seeing for a time now.


Extras include:
- New, restored high-definition digital transfer (for both)
- Commentary featuring Steven Soderbergh interviewing director Lodge Kerrigan
- A Subjective Assault: Lodge Kerrigan’s Clean, Shaven – A new video essay, written and narrated by critic Michael Atkinson
- The film’s soundtrack and selections from the film’s final sound design (MP3 downloads)
- Booklet with a new essay by Dennis Lim
- Making Solo con tu pareja interview featurette
- Alfonso Cuaron’s 1983 short film Quartet for the End of Time
- Co-screenwriter Carlos Cuaron’s 2000 short film Wedding Night
- Booklet with a new essay by film scholar Ryan Long, and a biographical sketch of the main character written by Carlos Cuarón
- Original theatrical trailer (for both films)

HITCHCOCK PRESENTS 2 While it might not titillate as much, as say, the immortal lessons-learned from The Twilight Zone, Alfred Hitchcock Presents is perversely enjoyable. It’s supremely toned-down (1957 wasn’t all jiggling and bare-assed) from what the crazy hooligans and their Cannibal Holocausts are watching these days, but since it’s Hitchcock, it can’t be considered a pass for anyone. From the droll ‘cockian openings to the large breadth of episodes scattered throughout and Hitchcock’s contributions, Wet Saturday and the inventive One More Mile to Go, once again prove why he is one of the premiere storytellers entertainment ever produced. He’s at play in the televised medium unlike most of the other contributors, but that shouldn’t diminish the creativity running around here like a chicken with its head cut off. If the idea of checking out this set bothers you, then I have a rather large basement wine cellar I’d like to show you.

The vicious table-hopper is on the prowl – with:
- Thirty-nine episodes on five discs

Tuesday also arrives with these ticking time bombs onto shelves. Do yourself a favor and see the politically-incorrect Dam Busters before Peter Jackson’s production arrives. It’s also part of Anchor Bay’s British War Collection set it has become unattached from (click). Behind Enemy Lines comes back with an Axis of Evil vengeance, but suspiciously only has a singular axle (?) of evil – North Korea. Iran must have been too busy to be bothered with it. Rounding it out, for those jumping up and down for the Shooting Party – don’t. You’re probably flaccid anyway.


Reaping A Criterion Harvest

Where the hell is this month going? It’s already the third week and that means November Criterions. It’s not quite a blockbuster month like September was, and since we’re discussing that – did you purchase Seven Samurai, Playtime, or even Amarcord? Because you should have. November squeezes back into the fray with Graham Greene and Carol Reed’s The Fallen Idol, which has a splendid turn by Ralph Richardson and represented a progression through The Third Man and Our Man in Havana, all three representing films to see. Krzysztof Kieslowski doesn’t get mentioned much these days (see his Dekalog and Camera Buff), but Criterion prods your interest with The Double Life of Veronique, where parallel lives are on display. 1929’s Pandora’s Box, from G.W. Pabst, harkens from the silent era, which means a whole slew of your hooligans will summarily ignore. You shouldn’t, as the tale is as seedy as any Saturday night.


December, besides being Honré de Balzac cold in the Northern East coast, has William Greaves aptly titled Symbiopsychotaxiplasm Take One and Symbiopsychotaxiplasm Take 2 1/2 in one easy to understand package –
Symbiopsychotaxiplasm Two Takes. But that’s not all, as the Maysles’ return with The Beales of Grey Gardens and an upgrade of preexisting material with Grey Gardens, both packaged separately and together. There could be more, but I’m no soothsayer.

Jackin’ THE LIST

For all I know you could be right now.

Ark II: The Complete Series
Battle of the Brave
Beverly Hills, 90210: The Complete First Season
Blood of My Brother
Breakup Artist
Carousel: 50th Anniversary Edition
Christmas Classics Collection
Cinema Paradiso: Limited Collector’s Edition
Flower Drum Song: Special Edition
The Fountainhead
Funtastic Adventures Collection
Gary Cooper: The Signature Collection
SERGEANT YORK Ghost Busters: The Animated Series
Girls Behaving Badly: Volume One
Inside the Actors Studio: Dave Chappelle
Inside the Actors Studio: Icons
JAG: The Complete Season Season
James Bond Ultimate Collection – Volume 1
James Bond Ultimate Collection – Volume 2
Julius Caesar
The King and I: 50th Anniversary Edition
Legal Legends Collection
Lies and Deception Collection
Little Man: Loaded with Extra Crap Edition
loudQUIETloud: A Film About The Pixies
Love is War Collection

POLICE SQAUDThe Marlon Brando Collection
Melrose Place: The Complete First Season
Mutiny on the Bounty: Two-Disc Special Edition
National Geographic’s Mega Structures
Oh! What A Lovely War: Special Collector’s Edition
Oklahoma!: Special Edition
Once Upon a Christmas
One Man’s War
Police Squad! The Complete Series
Poster Boy
The Pusher Trilogy
The Rodgers & Hammerstein Collection
Romantic Tales Collection
Sergeant York: Two-Disc Special Edition

She-Ra: Princess of Power – Season One, Volume One
The Sopranos: Season Six, Part 1
The Sound of Music: Special Edition
South Pacific: Collector’s Edition
State Fair: Special Edition
Totally Awesome
Transformers: The Movie – 20th Anniversary Special Edition
Un Coeur En Hiver
Ultraman: Series One, Volume Two
West Wing: The Complete Seventh Season
Who Made the Potatoe Salad?

Adventures of Superman: The Complete Fifth & Sixth Seasons
Best of the Electric Company: Volume 2
Bing Crosby: Screen Legend Collection
Black Books: The Complete First and Second Series
Black Books: The Complete Second Series
Boffo! Tinseltown’s Bombs & Blockbusters
Brothers of the Head
Cary Grant: Screen Legend Collection
Chip ‘n Dale Rescue Rangers: Volume 2
Columbo: The Complete Sixth and Seventh Seasons
Conversations with Other Women
FORBIDDEN PLANET UECSI – Complete Sixth Season
Da Vinci Code (also comes in a CE Gift Set)
Drop Dead Gorgeous
Duck Tales – Volume 2
Family Guy: Volume 4
Forbidden Planet: 50th Anniversary SE (also comes in an awesome UE)
Friends: The Complete Series
Golden Girls: Season Six
Green Mile: Special Edition
Hate Crime
Home Improvement: The Complete Fifth Season
OLDBOYJohn Tucker Must Die
Joyeux Noel
King Kong: Deluxe Extended Edition (also comes in a Gift Set)
Leonard Cohen: I’m Your Man
Lois & Clark: New Adventures of Superman – Complete Fourth Season
Looney Tunes: Golden Collection – Volume Four
Maniac Cop: Special Edition
Masters of Horror: John Mcnaughton – Haeckel’s Tale
NCIS: The Complete Second Season
Northern Exposure: The Complete Fifth Season
Oldboy: Special Collector’s Edition
Paul Newman Collection
Quantum Leap: The Complete Fifth Season
Reba: Season 4
Red Doors
Rock Hudson: Screen Legend Collection
Six Feet Under: The Complete Series Gift Set
Sophie Scholl – The Final Days
Strangers With Candy
Who Killed the Electric Car?

WAH WAH WAH...Alias: The Complete Fifth Season
Another Gay Movie
Been Rich All My Life
Boston Legal: Season Two
Captain Sabertooth
Charlotte’s Web Gift Set
Da Ali G Show: Da Compleet Seereez
Dr. Katz, Professional Therapist: Season 2
Dr. Seuss’ How the Grinch Stole Christmas!: Deluxe Edition
Family Affair: Season 2
Fish Called Wanda: Deluxe Edition
Grand Theft Auto: Tricked Out Special Edition
Giuliani Time
H6: Diary of a Serial Killer
STURGESHome Alone: Family Fun Edition
How I Met Your Mother: The Complete First Season
Ice Age: The Meltdown
An Inconvenient Truth
Miracle on 34th Street Special Edition
Perry Mason: The Complete First Season
Preston Sturges: The Filmmaker Collection
Punisher: Extended Cut
Saint of 9/11
Seinfeld: Season 7
So NoTORIous: The Complete First Season
Star Trek: The Animated Series
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
The Thief and the Cobbler
Wassup Rockers
You, Me and Dupree

CLERKS II7th Heaven: The Complete Third Season
Ant Bully
A Star is Born
Bones: The Complete First Season
Christopher Reeve Superman Collection
Clerks II
Criminal Minds: The First Season
Dane Cook’s Tourgasm
Evening with Kevin Smith 2: Evening Harder
Jamie Kennedy’s Blowin’ Up: The Complete First Season
Joan of Arcadia: The Second Season
Kevin Smith Presents Now You Know
Robin Hood: Most Wanted Edition
See No Evil