It’s the holidays…again…and in the midst of all the typical crap like breaking out the decorations for the house and erecting the false trees or buying the real ones and scrambling to get out the Christmas cards to people we don’t ever talk to anymore, we here at the Sewer are once again taking stock of the many gifts we’ve gotten from the movies over the years and celebrating them in the form of our own demented little Christmas carol we like to call the 12 Days of CHUDmas.
Over the next 12 days we’re going to be counting down – in reverse order, cause screw the original carol, counting up sucks – these gifts and tying in the entries with some gift ideas to help take the sting out of that last minute trip to the store to snag something for that cousin who decided to be a considerate douche and send you a present after five years of non-communication.
On the eleventh day of CHUDmas my true CHUD sent to me…
Eleven Terrorists Dying
Film: Die Hard (1988)
Director: John McTiernan
John McClane just wants to reconcile with his cuttie of an estranged wife, Holly. He flew all the way from New York to Los Angeles to spend Christmas with her, showing up for Holly’s work party at Nakatomi Plaza, and then some German douche who barely even sounds German named Hans shows up being all, “Gimme $640 million in bearer bonds!” Fortunately McClane was off being antisocial when Hans and his goon squad of terrorists crashed the party, which allows him to slowly pick the dickholes off one by one, creating clever signage and catchphrases along the way. And it’s no small task either. Along with Hans are twelve other baddies:
Karl Vreski, Hans’ main henchman
Theo, Hans’ technical expert
Eddie, Hans’ henchman
Uli, Hans’ henchman
Tony Vreski, Hans’ henchman and Karl’s brother
Franco, Hans’ henchman
Fritz, Hans’ henchman
Heinrich, Hans’ henchman
Marco, Hans’ henchman
Alexander, Hans’ henchman
James, Hans’ henchman
Kristoff, Hans’ henchman
But as this handy chart shows us, McClane eventually kills ten of these bastards (Sgt. Al Powell kills Karl), while graciously knocking out two others (who presumably both went on to be rehabilitated in prison and were released as productive members of honest society).
Fun fact: if you type “Nakatomi Plaza” into Google Maps, it actually sends you there. Well, to Fox Plaza, which served as the location.
CHUDmas Gift Ideas
Buy It From CHUD!
Used for $1.61
Roderick Thorp’s 1979 novel, on which the film is based
(originally titled Nothing Lasts Forever)
Buy It From CHUD!