It’s the holidays…again…and in the midst of all the typical crap like breaking out the decorations for the house and erecting the false trees or buying the real ones and scrambling to get out the Christmas cards to people we don’t ever talk to anymore, we here at the Sewer are once again taking stock of the many gifts we’ve gotten from the movies over the years and celebrating them in the form of our own demented little Christmas carol we like to call the 12 Days of CHUDmas.
Over the next 12 days we’re going to be counting down – in reverse order, cause screw the original carol, counting up sucks – these gifts and tying in the entries with some gift ideas to help take the sting out of that last minute trip to the store to snag something for that cousin who decided to be a considerate douche and send you a present after five years of non-communication.
On the twelfth day of CHUDmas my true CHUD sent to me…
Twelve Systems’ Death Sentence
Film: Star Wars (1977)
Director: George Lucas
Sure, we all know the description from Obi-Wan: Mos Eisley, a wretched hive of scum and villainy. Case in point: Dr. Evazan, a pig-faced physician criminal with a penchant for disfiguring his patients in botched surgeries and picking fights in bars. Also, there’s his cohort, Ponda Baba, who, depending on whom you believe, was either an Aqualish pirate or just a misunderstood architect who was hoping for a promotion and simply out with his asshole friend having a drink when the unfortunate arm slicing incident occurred. It’s conceivable that Evazan may have had a problem drinking. Otherwise, why would he be bragging that his neck is on the line in a dozen different star systems in a bar known to be frequented by bounty hunters? Safe to say that if Greedo hadn’t already had pressing business with Han Solo, his shit would have been all over the loudmouthed Evazan.
Dr. Evazan is about as minor a character as it gets in the Star Wars universe. So minor in fact, that Lucas didn’t even bother trying to shoehorn him into the prequel trilogy as some kind of Alsakan med student who went wrong at some point and ended up in a shithole bar years later harassing a young moisture farmer and old fogey Jedi. And no bullshit about him being a childhood friend of Anakin Skywalker or anything to that effect. He’s really just the creep who looked like a Redskins fan who thought he saw an easy mark in young Skywalker and whose friend, Baba, ended up paying the price:
Robot Chicken gave some humorous lip service to Ponda Baba and Evazan in a skit in one of their send-ups of Star Wars, titled Ponda Bab’s Bad Day. And if you’d like to know more (turns out way more than you ever thought possible about a bit character in a 35 year-old film) about Dr. Evazan, you can check out his entry here in Wookieepedia. Funnily enough, in the same Cantina scene, we could have also gone with a 12-parsec Kessel Run. But then we get into that whole “parsec-is-a-unit-of-distance-not-time-and-Lucas-goofed-but-not-really-because-the-Kessel-Run-actually-refers-to-a-course-through-a-black-hole” thing. And really, who needs the headache?
CHUDmas Gift Ideas