If Jesus had a girlfriend, and that girlfriend got her throat slit by an English pig, he would immediately stop being Jesus and start being Braveheart. My movie is that sentence, but without the ‘if’ at the beginning.

William Wallace/Braveheart/Jesus is two handfuls of don’t fuck with. There was a time when he might not have been so awesome, but that time ends when the English kill his daddy and big brother. Once he is taken from his home and raised by Uncle Brian Cox, there is no turning back from Badassville.

Uncle Brian Cox teaches him how to be really smart and really dangerous. On Braveheart’s forty-fifth birthday, his Uncle finally feels he is old enough to go off on his own. The first thing he does is go back home and fuck the little girl he always had a crush on. Lucky for him, she grew up to be smoking hot. Unlucky for everyone in Europe at the time, she gets her throat slit by an English pig. Braveheart finds the English pig’s only son, cuts out his heart, makes the kid eat it, waits until the kid poops it out, then feeds that to the English pig, which breaks the English pig’s heart on two levels: gross and sad. The revenge doesn’t feel as good as Braveheart thinks it should, so he decides to go out and kill all the English pigs in England. After gathering a bunch of the gnarliest, most violent Scottish men available (and one Irish guy), he goes off to do just that.

Because Braveheart knows so much about fighting on a budget, the English pigs are taken off guard and easily defeated. Swords and shields are no match against clever traps and weapons made from trees. Also, Braveheart has magic powers. He can shoot fireballs and lightning from different parts of his body. I don’t remember which ones.

They sack one English city at a time. In honor of his dead girlfriend, Braveheart spares all the English women. He does, however, slaughter their sons because an English pig in training is still an English pig. Instead of celebrating with women and wine, Braveheart cuts English people’s heads off all night and eats their brains in an effort to learn their secrets. It works. The most common secret is: “I think Harry Potter is overrated.” Braveheart doesn’t know what that means, but he keeps chewing anyway.

Meanwhile, the English King hears about all this Braveheart bullshit and figures he’s gonna have to put an end to it personally. But before he can do that, he has to get his domestic ducks in a row. Whoever his wife was, she really sucked at having kids because the only heir she gave him is a fruitcake. Even if he wasn’t a fruitcake, he’s still about as strong-willed as a neutered, three-legged poodle. His boyfriend is pretty tough looking, but the King kills him so that’s sort of a badass dead end. Gay or not, the Prince still has to marry a French Princess and do the really gross thing with her until she gets pregnant from it. You’d think the King could just do the deed himself because his name is Longshanks, but due to age his name has recently been changed to Nopeshanks. Therefore, all the King can do is ensure the Prince makes bacon.

What this means is that after the wedding he actually has to go make sure they have sex correctly. It’s harder than he expects because the Prince keeps crying and throwing up. The King cuts off the Princess’ hair and tapes her boobs down, but it still doesn’t work. Before he can come up with another plan, his son cries to death. Enraged and humiliated by his life’s first defeat, the King decides to take his bad day out on Braveheart and his merry band of murderous Scots (and one Irish guy).

The two armies meet up and fight in a bowl-shaped field. Nestled far away with his archers and aids, the King looks sternly at the sky in an effort to make Mother Nature piss herself and drown all the fighters. What the King doesn’t realize is that Mother Nature is God’s old lady, and the kid they had together is Braveheart. After a full hour of stern staring doesn’t work, the King rolls his eyes and decides to do things the old fashioned way.

He calls a time-out and makes his way to the battlefield. One by one, he bribes each of Braveheart’s men and they accept. Utterly betrayed, Braveheart is carried away screaming “You guys are all a bunch of fucking assholes! When my dad hears about this he’s gonna be pissed!” He shoots out a bunch of fireballs, but because he’s been blindfolded they all miss. Everyone laughs pretty hard at how stupid this makes him look. Then the King has them executed.

As Braveheart sits in a jail cell waiting to get killed, the un-pregnant French Princess walks by, bitching about how un-pregnant she is. Braveheart overhears this and comes up with a new way to defeat the English pigs. He and the Princess have women-friendly, slow-motion sex between the bars of his cell, (the soundtrack to this scene is “Between the Bars of His Cell” by Elliott Smith) and two hours later (1/4th of the film’s running time) Braveheart has given the Princess an entire litter of pissed off little badasses. She says “thank you” in French (a blowjob) and walks away, eight liquid pounds heavier.

The next day, a large crowd of English pigs gather to watch Braveheart get tortured. First he is tied to a chair, HELLA SUPER TIGHT!

But he does not react.

Then they pull out all of his fingernails, even the really long pinkie one.

Not a tear.

Next they smash his feet with a hammer.

Still, he will not break.

Feeling pressure from the audience, the English pigs lose the chair and tie his arms and legs to cranks which slowly pull off all four of his limbs.

Even through this, he does not show pain.

Frustrated and pissed, they take all of Braveheart’s teeth.


They cut his guts out and feed them to Jewish babies.


The audience is now completely in love with Braveheart’s brave heart. Then a doctor comes out and informs them that he had no reactions to the torture because he died of fright an hour before it began. As they throw what’s left of him into a trashcan, his intestines release some gas that sounds kind of like the word “Freedom” but that’s debatable.

Two months later, Braveheart’s babies chew their way out of the French Princess and all hell breaks loose. After a fade to black we find out via on-screen text that the babies killed every Enlish pig in Europe and everyone in the surrounding countries lived happily ever after. The End. You can finally go pee.

On a side note, Braveheart won a shitload of awards so I made a sequel to it called The Patriot. In this film, Braveheart comes back to life and fights the English Pigs again but on American terms. It’s not a very good film, but it does have a great decapitation by cannonball that I’m proud of.

(three stars)