I have 460 movies in my Netflix Instant queue. I tend to watch one thing for every five that I add, but now my library is close to being full and I have to make room. So, every Monday I’m going to pick a random movie out of my queue and review the shit out of it. But (like Jesus), I’m also thinking of you and your unwieldy queue and all the movies in it you want to watch but no longer have the time to now that you’ve become so awesome and popular. Let me know what has been gathering digital dust in your Netflix Instant library and I’ll watch that, too. One Monday for you and the next for me and so on. Let’s get to it.

Val Kilmer photo brought to you courtesy of The Saint. Possibly Kiss Kiss Bang Bang.

What’s the movie? Hardwired (2009) 

What’s it rated? R for Val Kilmer’s lack of shit giving, Cuba Gooding Jr.’s punch dunk facial expressions and it being a big pile of steaming nards. Rotten, boring, poorly constructed nards.

Did people make it? I have to do this? Fine. Written by Dickhole McSworleycoin, Shitbitch Rundleswimmer, Jizzmop Momcummer and Michael Hurst. Directed by Ernie “A Big Ol’ Giant” Barbarash. Acted by Absolutely No One Except for Michael Ironside.

What’s it like in one sentence? Future.

Why did you watch it? I thought it would be better than The Killing of John Lennon…

What’s it about in one paragraph? How the fuck should I know? Dystopian future. Ads on everything like a giant Trojan Condom logo on the Washington Monument. Cuba gets in a car accident with his wife and she dies. He wakes up in the hospital with a chip in his head that makes him see commercials all the time until you buy the shit they’re selling. Cuba hooks up with hackers Red (with red hair), Blue (with green hair) Keyboard (brain damaged) and Michael Fucking Ironside (post-hair) in order to fight the power. Fight the power that be (Val Kilmer, looking like a boil- pre-lancing). There’s some shooting and some fighting and Cuba looks confused and Val looks hungry and Michael Ironside arm wrestles everyone with his cock and ejaculates cocaine and money.

"I'll suck your dick for some Fun Dip."

Play or remove from my queue? You would be better off watching bums fighting chickens. Hardwired is boring and has shitty effects and Cuba looks surprised and frightened and Val Kilmer has a teleprompter and the music is shit covered gunt and I fell asleep in the climactic gunfight and I wish I could have a do-over on this one. It’s not worth writing about, it’s not worth talking about, it’s incompetent on almost every level besides Ironsides, it’s like everything that sucked about Dark Angel mixed with everything that sucked about Cyborg mixed with everything that sucks about having been born is this world of cheap filmic cash grabs and scripts written by Appletini farts and hungover bartenders with dick breath. Make this movie go away. Turn off the light when you leave.

Do you have a favorite line? I’m not gonna lie to you. This is gonna hurt…on more than one level” was a winner and since it was delivered by Michael Ironside, that made it extra special. Extra special anal discharge.

Do you have an interesting fun-fact? Yes, I have a fun fact. After watching this movie I thought about rubbing one out while using my tears as lubrication but instead I thought about ways to get away with killing myself in public. It doesn’t matter how, just as long as I shit all over everything.


What does Netflix say I’d like if I like this? Autumn (looks like fuck), Westbrick Murders (sounds like fuck), Shinjuku Incident (less talk-y, more punch-y), Creature of Darkness (number 2) and Freeway Killer (the killer of freeways).

What does Jared say I’d like if I like this? All the people rioting for Joe Paterno. You’d like them.

What is Netflix’s best guess for Jared? 2.2

What is Jared’s best guess for Jared? A number less than numbers.

Can you link to the movie? Can you kill a puppy?

Any last thoughts? wokcpokepovkp[ovkropvkoervkpoervkprovkorpvkopvkopvkopkv040r39339

Did you watch anything else this week? I watched a thousand suns all become one as playgrounds became ash and birds fell from the sky. Also, Immortals, which I enjoyed greatly.

Next Week? We could follow Cuba over to one of his many co-starring ventures with Christian Slater or follow Val Kilmer over to one of his many co-starring ventures with 50 Cent or we could follow Michael Ironside over to Visiting Hours with William Shatner and William Shatner. Or you pick one. Lets just move on from this.