Welcome
to the middle of the second week of the daily Piss &
Vinegar
column! It’s funny, I find that the time of
day I write the column drastically affects the content in
the column. Those late night or early morning sessions find
me rambling on and on about some random thing about the
business that pisses me off and the ones I do while the
sun is shining lead to more straightforward, focused columns.
Since it’s a daily thing, mixing it up is vital. I don’t
want these to ever get boring. I also don’t always need
to gripe about stuff. Sometimes it’s good to just talk.
No piss today. Just a little chatter.

Name
My CNN Column

Hey
look at this, I’m moving up in the world. In addition to
the weekly live appearances on CNN Headline News it appears
I’ll be adding my opinion and words to the CNN.com website
in a brand new weekly column [every Tuesday] and focus on
making movies, the world of independent movies (independent
filmmakers who want to talk to me, now’s the time
) and
other assorted minutia. It’ll be a great way to reach out
to new people, spread the word of CHUD.com and also challenge
me to provide information in a concise new way.

I’m sure
it’ll be fun.

They
asked me what I’d like to call it, and the wheels started
turning. Then they stopped. Why not allow CHUD’s readers
a chance to come up with a name that’s cool and concise
and reflects what I hope my opinion will offer the CNN readership?
So, I leave it to you folks. Brainstorm with me and I’m
sure we’ll come up with a perfectly kickin’ name for the
column. The winner gets bragging rights as well as a CHUD.com
prize package which will include a CHUD.com T-Shirt, a Pulp
Fiction
DVD, and a few fun assorted bits of movie
swag that happens to fit in the package I mail it in.

Are
you up to the task? Some of the existing columns have names
like HOTWIRED, Fitness Friday, and Hit
Play
. Let’s make ours special.

If
you’d like, SEND
A LETTER
with your ideas for a good name for the column.


Looking Good, Hellboy!

Let
me first begin with an apology to people who are tired of
seeing the word Hellboy
on this site. It’s going to get worse before it gets better
for you folks.

For
a while there it seemed like Hellboy might
be under a little pressure. A lot of questions rise when
the character is brought up. How do you market it? Can a
film with ‘Hell’ in the title become a blockbuster? Is a
red, horned character something that kids will see? Does
a cult favorite comic book have enough juice to grab people?
Is Sony able to devote fair attention to TWO comic superhero
characters in one summer season or is Spider-Man 2
all that matters? Is Ron Perlman able to carry a film?Is
there enough opportunity for merchandising?

Those
are all really legitimate questions.

Hopefully
Guillermo doesn’t mind me saying this, but apparently those
concerns have become a lot less of a worry. Apparently,
the studio is THRILLED with the way the film has turned
out. Thrilled. Sometimes when you talk to someone who’s
in the process of getting a movie finished you can hear
the strain and stress in their voice like a potato chip
lodged in their throat. Sometimes in my conversations with
Guillermo of late, he’s seemed a little weary. Last night,
I’ve never heard him as happy about the state of things.
On my way out of the screening for The Butterfly Effect
(my review for that arrives late tomorrow), my phone rang
and Guillermo was on the other end and he sounded super
juiced. Apparently, the film was shown to some bigwigs and
they REALLY dug it.

See,
that’s why I think a lot of the Hellboy skeptics
will be pleased when they see the film. Nothing can really
sell the film, but the film itself. Granted, the new banners
popping up in theaters (download the sexy desktops HERE
and HERE)
go a long way towards conveying the coolness and attention
to detail in the characters, but the heart and intelligence
is not the kind of stuff that you can show in a trailer.

Judging
from his response, the film is over the hump.

One
of these days I hope we can all talk about how weird the
behind-the-scenes lives of these films can be, but for today
let me just say that if you are excited about Hellboy,
get a little more excited and if you’re not excited… maybe
it’s freakin’ time to start.


If you’d like, SEND
A LETTER
about your expectations for Hellboy.

Why
Spend the Money, Studios?

I
got a box of Gas-X in the mail from Walt Disney Pictures
today.

Why?
It was some weird promotion for the upcoming Lion King
sequel. In the past, I’ve gotten spaghetti and maple syrup
for Elf, gummy animals of every shape and
size, CD openers, and all sorts of other stuff that either
has no bearing on the film or any value in human life. There
are exceptions, but sometimes it’s just weird. Worse yet,
the studios send these things under the auspices that they’re
doing us some great service or rewarding us for all the
free publicity we give their films.

You
know what I see? Money wasted.

These
are the same folks who cry poverty when we ask if they’d
consider running an ad campaign or a few posters for films
that our readers would love to hang on their walls. The
same ones who take forever to get us artwork for the magazine
(which is hyping their product). The same ones who ask us
to come to the set of their film but only if we can afford
to book our own travel for the visit two or three days beforehand
when it’s only slightly less expensive than shooting our
own goddamn movie. The same folks who repeatedly lose invoices
and forget about the ads they owe us for.

If
a box of ass salve or a rubber ball emblazoned with the
Jeepers Creepers logo is worth spending thousands
and thousands of dollars to make, ship, and package… and
outlets that actually deliver viewers should be worth considerably
more. Do studios think that a critic is going to hate their
film but then look over to the One Night at McCool’s
leather whip he/she has and change that "D" to
a "B"?

If
you ever wonder why the business is so freaking lost at
sea sometimes, rest easy and know that it’s not just the
marketing, distribution, test screening, and home video
folks that seem to think using their spleens half the time.

It
goes all the way up and down the line.


If you’d like, SEND
A LETTER
about the silliest bit of movie swag you’ve
ever seen.

Mailbag
Kendricks:

I
hope you guys dig the evolution of the daily letters column.
Our unofficial ‘Mascot’ Uncle Mitch is now overseeing things
on every letter, so keep an eye on his fat, drunk ass. I’m
really enjoying the comments you’re sending in, and I really
would like to see a good bit of variety coming from you
guys, so feel free to ask my opinion or comments on WHATEVER.
Also, I think we may have a guest letter every once in a
while for a piece of fan or hate mail that Devin or SJR
or Dave or Andrew gets sent. Variety is the spice of life,
so they say. If you’re a member of our message boards, the
discussion for The Steady Leak is RIGHT
HERE
.

The
Death of Ambition:

These
letters are a response to this
Leak.

Henry
Writes:
Nick, first of all I just read your reply on
my e-mail, and I am glad that you took a moment to clarify
the situation, and gave your own explanation about it. I
did understand that you had no bad intentions at all, and
understand that the mention of the Koreans was just something
random. I hear you, as it is hard to call someone ‘black’
instead of African American these days. Keep it up.

On
response to your most recent leak, I’d have to say Gary
Oldman. While it is not as if he is killing his own career,
but in my opinion he is one of the few character actors
in Hollywood, and is arguably one of the most versatile
actors of all times. He is one of the few who defines himself
every time a new role is offered, yet he is not in a lot
of films. I’d love to see this talented actor a lot more.
He is a good choice to have in the latest Harry Potter though.

Lance
Henriksen. A terrific actor, but his recent films are not
the best choices for him.

Nick’s
Reply:
Lance Henrickson? I love him, but he’s never
been an A-list or top tier actor. Gary Oldman… I have
no idea what his deal is. He’s almost always great, I just
question his choices of late. Thanks for being understanding
about the ‘Korean’ thing. There was no harm intended. Just
don’t put your kid on a school bus anytime soon. I’ll be
watching. With matches.

Scott
Writes:
I’ve been enjoying your STEADY LEAK column for
the last week or so, or however long it’s been out. Sometimes
I agree, sometimes I disagree, but up until today I’ve never
felt strongly enough, one way or another, to bother writing.

I’m referring to your comment about DIRTY, ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS.
Your piece is on comedians who have, for lack of a better
term (okay, actually because I’m just lazily profane), lost
their shit. I agree wholeheartedly that Eddie Murphy, Mike
Myers, and Ben Stiller are going the way of the Dodo (and
especially Murphy. Do you realize the guy wasn’t even twenty
when he started on SNL? He was a genius, a comedic national
treasure, and now…well, now he’s fucking PLUTO NASH and
DADDY DAY CARE.) What a waste of talent these guys are turning
out to be!

I have to disagree about something you said about Steve
Martin, though. I do agree that BRINGING DOWN THE HOUSE
and CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN are such toothless, non-edgy comedies
that it’s enough to make you forget that this is the same
man who made the brilliant THE JERK, but I strongly, fervently
disagree with your comment about DIRTY, ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS.
You don’t say so directly, but you’ve implied that it’s
one of his lesser affairs. Have you seen this movie lately?
I usually agree with ya, Nick, but this film was fucking
fantastic. The lengths that Martin and Caine’s characters
go to to con that broad from DICK TRACY and PAPERHOUSE out
of her money are nothing short of brilliant. And, yes, I
know I’ve used that term twice in the same paragraph, but
I think it applies to both THE JERK and SCOUNDRELS.

I hadn’t seen SCOUNDRELS in years until very recently, and
I only rented it because I felt like some good Steve Martin
action in the wake of seeing those posters for CHEAPER.
I was really surprised at how well the film held up, and
even more surprised that I seemed to like it more now than
I did when I saw it…whenever it was that I saw it last.
Two scenes worth the price of rental (Hell, worth the price
of buying the damn thing): The scene where Martin tries
to remember Caine’s character’s name while in jail, a totally
impovised bit that just reeks of comic gold; And, secondly,
the scene where Martin describes to Glenne Headley why he’s
in a wheelchair and unable to use his legs. Oh, also, the
Ruprecht scenes. And the twist ending I wasn’t expecting.
Oh, yeah, and the scene with the Navy guys that Martin turns
against Caine. And, and, and…

I could go on, but instead I urge you and your readers to
check this film out again. It’s largely unrecognized for
being the greatness that it is (something I feel also applies
to one of my favorite comedies: FLETCH), and I hope you’ll
publish this in your feedback section to give some CHUD
readers a push in the right direction.

I write reviews online for fun, just some practice for the
journalism degree I’m working on, and you can find more
of my stuff at http://fwb.proboards18.com.
I don’t know if you’ll include that shameless self promotion
in your post, but I hope you do. I want people to read my
stuff, that’s why I’m a writer, and I think I’m informed
enough to provide a valid opinion.

I hope you use this, and thanks if you do. Keep on keepin’
on, Nick, your column is now a daily ritual for me, and
I look forward to it each afternoon! Thanks!

Nick’s
Reply:
I’m with you on Fletch. One of
the best comedies ever. As far as Dirty Rotten Scoundrels
goes, I was never a fan and part of the reason was because
I felt that the Ruprecht stuff was a little "too"
clever. Almost like mugging for the camera. The film’s good,
as good as a Frank Oz film can be, I suppose. I just don’t
find it brilliant. Plus, I think double-crossing doesn’t
lend itself to repeat viewings. I love Steve Martin, though.
The Spanish Prisoner, LA Story,
and Planes, Trains, and Automobiles are probably
my favorites of his.

Vince
Writes:
Robert Deniro hasn’t made a good film since
Cape Fear! What a waste of talent.

Nick’s
Reply:
Lay off the absinthe, Vince. Casino.
A Bronx Tale. Heat. Copland.
Jackie Brown. Sleepers. Ronin.
I’d take that as my entire filmography and die a happy man.
Deniro’s certainly made some bad choices along the way since
1991 but to say he hasn’t made a good film is alternately
foolish and a detriment to your film diet. Casino
is a decent little brother to Goodfellas.
A Bronx Tale is a really solid little film.
Heat is one of my very favorites of the 90’s.
Copland
is way underappreciated. Jackie Brown‘s
friggin’ great. Sleepers got the shaft when
it came out but I absolutely love that film. Ronin
is a classic. Help me, Jesus.

A
Little Passion:

These
letters are a response to this
Leak.

Rob
Writes:
Been there. Seen the movie…or a rough cut
of it…a week ago this past Sunday. I agree with you about
the "need" to cultivate some good will from the
religious community after the withering attacks Gibson’s
caught for this. But ultimately Gibson won’t need the Pope’s
thumbs up. Or James Dobson’s. Or little Jimmy Falwell….or
any of those guys.

My thoughts: none of those things will matter once the movie’s
out. The "faithful Christian" percentage of the
populace who dutifully see everything they’re told will
grow their faith will do just that – dutifully see the movie.
Those of us who live inside that same "faith community"
but have irritatingly rebellious attitudes of non-conformity
to the lemmings (that would be me and those like me) will
also see it. Those who live outside the boundaries of that
same somewhat vaguely defined faith community (the atheists,
agnostics, etc) will also see it out of curiousity or in
search of knowledge with which to tear at the foundations
of the faith of their opponents in the great debate over
the reality of God. Then there will be those who’ll gripe,
moan and complain about something they’ve never seen (much
in the same way the Christian right did over Scorcese’s
Last Temptation)…and they won’t ever see it. That’s just
plain wrong.

However…..the movie is moving beyond explanation. It’s
been 9 days and I can’t get the images of the scourging
out of my mind. It colors everything I think about life
and reality. If Jesus was real and this is what he went
through…then damn, I’ve got to reconsider everything.
I believe that most people who see this movie will experience
similar feelings…not that we’ll have some mass revival,
but that people will come to the same conclusion I did:
If Jesus was real and this is what he went through…then
damn, I’ve got to reconsider everything.

I think the buzz on this movie will be big. Really big.
And as much polarizing passion as it has generated so far,
the real battle of opinion has yet to begin. I believe this
will be one of the "cover of Time/Newsweek/Rolling
Stone" kind of issues that engage the vast majority
of Americans. Yah just gotta know that Bill O’Reilly, Rush
Limbaugh, Bill Maher, Jon Stewart, et al are just lickin’
their chops.

Other than that…it was just another day at the movies.
I’ve emailed my friends more "movie specific"
thoughts. If you’re interested, I’ll send it to you guys.

Nick’s
Reply:
That sounds pretty cool. It’s good to hear from
someone who’s seen the flick. As far as the ‘belief’ thing,
I’d like to think that people’s faith or lack thereof isn’t
so fragile that a movie would do much to sway it.

Von
Writes:
I will go to the THE PASSION because it sounds
groovy to me…but I would imagine that the Pope would illicit
hate from movie goers if he were to view the film publicly.>>>
i would think that his big silly hat might block part of
the screen. and forget about sitting behind him!

Nick’s
Reply:
Pope hat humor, eh? That’s a bit too easy of
a joke, isn’t it? Anyway, I think you’d have his legions
of bodyguards to worry about, not his screen blocking hat.
Oh, and his Rosary Smashing Action™.

Jamie
Writes:
I just have to say that "Papal Pull-Quote"
is just about the best thing ever. I forwarded a link to
your Steady Link to my entire office and we spent our breakroom
time talking about how great the column is and how many
nuggets of comedy gold are in there. I’m a Catholic, but
I could care fuck-all about what the Pope thinks of the
movie. It’s a movie. See you at Comic Con!

Nick’s
Reply:
Steady Link? What am I, a sausage manufacturer?
Thanks for the nice comments, though. I enjoying making
Pope jokes, but who doesn’t? As far as this year’s San Diego
Comic Con, expect a huge chunk of CHUD.com writers and longtime
readers to take the city by force. Make sure you check out
our Movie Webmasters Panel, provided I’m invited back after
calling a few of the guys out on their shenanigans.

A
Little of Everything:

Alex
Writes:
Hey there. Nubile college junior up in Sewanee,
Tn here. :)

I’ve been reading your site daily for about a year now.
I love it. I started reading online reviews in 1999 with
AICN and since last year I’ve found myself coming to CHUD
more often. Okay usual ass kissing is done. Now with the
questions. Here I am a junior in college awaiting a degree
in political science. I write for the tiny school paper
and review films sometimes. I have to say I love it. I love
reviewing. I’ve done games and comics and movies and I absolutely
adore it. I’ve been thinking of late that I would like to
work in the review industry, but I’ve really no idea how
to go about it. I felt you were perhaps the most accessible.
So I am asking. What would you suggest, as a professional
in the industry, for me to do? Are there internships for
this sort of thing?

Thanks
for any help you can give a girl in college.

I
appreciate it and I look forward to the next daily leak
or DVD review.

PS
The Teletubbies DVD review is probably the best thing I’ve
read in
sometime.

Nick’s
Reply:
Not enough nubile college girls write in to CHUD.
Probably because we tend to be a site geared towards dismemberment
and the exposing of nubile breasts and ass. Still, it’s
good to hear that there’s a chunk of you ladies who see
through our layer of Neanderthal humor to the stuff that’s
beneath. Which is often more Neanderthal humor. As far as
reviewing goes, and this is the topic of about 70% of the
mail I get that’s not spam or requests for passes or prizes…
I have the belief that "If you build it, they will
come". Whenever some upstart website hits and they
ask me for the contact info of industry folks or local reps
for studios I say the same thing: "Do your job to the
best of your ability and keep at it. Establish some semblance
of consistency and quality and eventually you will be attractive
to them as a viable member of the press.". In your
case, coming out of a college where you’ve been given the
chance to plant the seeds of film criticism and whatnot,
you’re already on your way. I think it’d be wise to take
classes in journalism, film theory, and the like but also
find someone to hook with to do a sort of internship in
the business. If that means writing for a website (like
Adam McAllister did with us during his college years), helping
out at a newspaper, or whatever… just keep honing your
tools. By the time you’re a nubile graduate you should be
ready to make a decision as to where you’re going with your
life.

Barry
Writes:
First off i love your site i read it everyday.But
i got a problem with your taste in movies.U seem on point
most of the time but then u knock stiller’s performance
in zoolander and state that the trailer to starksy and hutch
doesnt look promising?.U got to be kiddin me i was laughin
out loud at the pics alone.Also by sayin that u would dread
seein meet the faulkers made is way off since the original
was easily one of the funniest movies i have seen in a long
long long time.But hey everyone has different tastes and
are entitled to there own opinion but i just hope u were
not the guy that gave the transporter a good review.

Nick’s
Reply:
You don’t like my taste in movies? Well, I don’t
like your taste in grammar! Seriously, I think Ben Stiller
was insanely annoying in Zoolander. Insanely
so. That’s a really one-note character that doesn’t lend
itself to feature films all that well. The fact he had Owen
Wilson in top form, a great Billy Zane sequence, and the
sometimes fun and sometimes annoying Will Ferrell saved
it from being a waste of time. As far as Starsky and
Hutch
‘s trailer is concerned, I’m sorry if I don’t
fall over laughing just at the mere sight of kitsch. I grew
up with that stuff. I’m not impressed. For people born in
1980 and forward, maybe big hair and silly clothes is all
it takes. I think a little WRITING helps. Also, I get really
tired of Snoop Dogg’s presence in a film being the joke
instead of him having anything to offer. We’ll see. I want
the film to be good. As far as Meet the Fokkers
goes, the fact that Meet the Parents was good is the very
reason I don’t want a sequel. They hit the target once and
it’s really a stretch to expect them to do it again. I don’t
need another comedy being lessened by a crappy sequel ala
Analyze That.

William
Writes:
I think you are right on with the Matrix sequels.
The Wachowski brothers have fallen to the Soprano Syndrome.
The Soprano Syndrome is when a successful movie, television
show, or musician recieves too many awards and positive
press and falls apart trying to surpass previous success.
The Wachowski brothers took themselves too seriously and
lost what made the original Matrix such a breath of fresh
air. On a side note, do you know of any plans to bring HBO’s
‘The Wire’ to dvd? This is the best crime drama ever on
television in my opinion.

Nick’s
Reply:
I heard that The Wire will be out sometime
this summer. If I remember correctly, our comic maestro
Sean Fahey thinks that show’s the greatest thing on the
tube. As far as your ‘Soprano Syndrome’ is concerned, I
think that David Chase’s show is still utterly classic even
though the fourth season may have lacked a little of the
warmth and ensemble magic the others had (I attribute that
to the mishandling of the Paulie Walnuts character). I find
the whole ‘Jump the Shark’ mentality a bit annoying, but
the show still hasn’t screwed itself into mediocrity.

Sean
Writes:
I actually had more of a question on the comic
book you’re writing. I have an idea for a comic book/movie
type thing. It’s kind of out there. I’m not an artist and
I am extremely unfamiliar with the comic book medium. I’ve
fleshed out somewhat what the main characters back-story
is as well as some of his "enemies" would be,
but I have no idea where to go from there. What would your
recommendation be?

Nick’s
Reply:
Well, the simple and most logical solution would
be to interest an artist in your idea and get some pages
done or some conceptual work accomplished. The more tangible
work you get done on your idea, the easier it is to convey
the value of it to a publisher or studio. There’s no real
easy way to do it unless you find a really unique or polished
artist. That’s a bitch because so many artists simply ape
the style of another or have their own projects that take
precedence. Then there’s the financial issues. It’s not
a quick process, and artists have to eat. So do writers.
If it’s something you’re truly passionate about I’d say
to devote a certain part of your week to it and try to really
know it backwards and forwards. Then, when you’re at a convention
and you want to talk to a publisher or artist about it,
your enthusiasm and knowledge will be infectious. Regarding
my project, it’s kind of in midair. There was some considerable
interest in it and it’s something that’d work as easily
as a CGI movie as it would a 2D animation. My artist is
torn in several directions and has a family to feed so I’m
currently taking it in a new direction in movie script form.
I’m about sixty pages into the 2nd draft. For what it’s
worth, a picture of our Medusa character is to the above
left for your Chewing pleasure.

Darga
Writes:
Hey, great site! I’ve only just discovered
CHUD in November, but I read the news and reviews daily.
Over the holidays I was under the weather and stuck at home
for a couple weeks, so I rented some movies based on the
reviews here. Equilibrium and a few others were things I
wouldn’t have bothered with if not for having read
the reviews here, so thanks for that.

Your
comment about filmmakers not getting the money they deserve
from studios is as good a sequitur as I’m likely to
get for a question I’ve been wanting to ask: How to
all these huge film profits get divvied up? As a rule, do
actors and directors get paid more money for a show that
nets huge profits such as Return of the King, perhaps by
percentage or some other form of bonus? I’m sure it’s
different from case to case, but I just wonder whether contracts
for a Peter Jackson or a Bruckheimer might tend to have
some sort of royalty clause in their contract to anticipate
a big hit. (That question aside, I do agree with you that
there is too much focus on the box office take these days.)

PS:
My favorite joke on the site is the “ride you like
Rohan” caption from The Faculty. That image cracks
me up every time.

PPS:
Poor (rich) Michael Crichton. Timeline is one of my favorite
books of his. I think he’s finally just resigned himself
to the fact that his brilliant books are going to be dumbed
down and turned into movies. When I read his last book,
Prey, it definitely felt like a movie script already (and
I think it’s no coincidence that he wrote it at a time
when Hollywood has perfected particle system effects). I
just hope there aren’t a bunch of readers missing out
on his work because they think the crap movies must have
been based on crap books.

Anyways,
take care and thanks!

Nick’s
Reply:
A while back, there was a bit of publicity about
how the actors from The Lord of the Rings banded
together to get a pay increase. A lot of times the studios
will cry poverty even with a big hit. I just finished the
book I mentioned in
the second Steady Leak
by Peter Biskind, and
there’s a lot of info about how Miramax covered their profits
under a pile of paperwork so that people couldn’t get their
back-end cuts. It’s a weird, amorphous side of the business.
Thanks on the ‘Rohan’ comment. As far as Timeline
goes, it wasn’t one of my favorites and I thought Prey
was totally preposterous and lacking in both tension and
character development. Jurassic Park was the beginning
of the end for one of the most compelling mainstream writers
around.

Ed
Writes:
Hello, I wrote you a few days back, I was the
one from the projects who’s friends are idiots, and I just
read your response on the new "Piss" an I just
wanted to say thank you. Your words encouraged me to better
myself (a little corny but kinda true). You said I should
write a screenplay and while I’ve wanted to I fear turning
into one of those guys who are always pushing their scripts
under the bathroom stall door. Besides I think that if I
ever met one if my idols like Paul Thomas Anderson or Peter
Jackson I would totally forget about my script and babble
incoherently and they would mace me and run away. But I
would like to direct, I figure that if they give guys like
Uwe Boll and Paul Anderson the money to make movies then
I stand a chance the get something funded and then through
a process of trial and error learn ways not to scare off
the celebrities I want to star in it. I know I’ll never
get who I want like William H. Macy, Brian Cox, Julianne
Moore or Scarlett Johansson. The studios would most likely
force me to put Ashton Kutcher or Jennifer Lopez in it.
That would be a disaster since I would become the first
filmmaker to bitch-slap Jennifer Lopez which will either
win me awards or get me fired. I would love to make a movie
but eventually I’ll get to that point where the studios
are in total control and want to provide notes for every
single thing I do. I’ve listened to every commentary that
I own on dvd, especially the ones by Robert Rodriguez who
is kind of a hero to me, and I’ve learned a lot from those
so I know most of the basics of how to make a movie. Like
where to place a camera, how to light and how never to let
Ben Affleck improvise. Who knows? I might get into it knowing
the troubles that lie ahead and maybe make something that’s
not a total piece of crap. Thanks for the positive response,
you really gave me hope for the future.

Nick’s
Reply:
Good for you. You should never let your surroundings
dictate your future, unless your surroundings are high class
whores and stacks of cash.

Jack
Writes:
About the Korean (or any other ethnicity/ability/gender)
kids (or any other group), you’re both right, Grasshoppers.

Nick’s
Reply:
Yeah. There’s no right answer. Either people
get smothered under the blanket of political correctness
or they’re called out for being a racist, homophobe, intolerant,
or ignorant. The bottom line to me is that people need to
know who they can trust. I think there’s pretty much nothing
that’s taboo for a joke, provided that it’s not malicious.
People who read the site for any period of time or know
me in the real world know what to expect. We’ll crack jokes
about a lot of stuff. There will always people who look
to get offended and there will always be people who find
those jokes funny because they’re racists or homophobes
or whatever. I think I sometimes walk the line a little
carelessly, but the intent is never cruel. But, once again…
if I think something’s funny I’ll probably say it.

If
you’d like, SEND
A LETTER
about anything your shorts desire.

Handy
new CHUD.COM Slang:

Each
installment of The Steady Leak will feature a few
new slang terms for a dictionary that will never be published.
Ignore, enjoy, or shake your head in disgust:

Pacino Throat
An
ailment where one becomes unable to maintain control of
the volume of their voice.

Sonic
Deathtrap X
-
The
tendency to use the Stargate music in a trailer.

C-Mount
An
80’s fad employed by aspiring starlets to catch onto the
wave of Mr. Thomas Howell’s rising stardom.

Overcrank
James
Woods. In a sentence: ‘I’ve got a nice sized pants patroller,
but Jimmy’s the original Overcrank’.

Dutch
Angle
To
steal a camera move from Predator.

Nunziata’s
Paparazzi
-
A
coin operated photo booth.

Rack
Focus
The
motto of the WB.

Pulling
a Savini
-
To
not know where your bread is buttered and alienating your
destiny.

2nd
Unit
Doing
yardwork while your spouse relaxes.

3rd
Unit
-
Doing
yardwork while your spouse screws Jason Bateman.

Craig
Tiberius Nelson
The
coach of the Starship Poltergeist.

Shameless
Self-Promotion Dept:

Since
so few of you read the message boards, I’m going to pop
in a few self promotional tidbits here from time to time.
The great thing is: You can avoid this section if it bothers
you.

This
weekend we are recording the latest batch of CHUD Radio
demos. The first mp3’s of the sessions are available HERE.
If all goes according to plans, you just might be hearing
us on a weekly syndicated movie radio show. Cross your fingers.

I’m
going to pop a link to an mp3 of one of my band’s tunes
here and hopefully a few of you will dig them and comment
on them either through email or on the message boards. We
have two bands, PKG and The Lucky Nightsticks,
both of which cover a wide variety of music. Do you like
old fashioned piano driven doo wop? Try I
Like Spikes
. Music by Steve Murphy, Micah Robinson,
and Nick Nunziata. It’s the best song you’ll ever hear about
people who enjoy impaling themselves. Comment here
if compelled.


‘IF
CHUD Ran the Movies’, by Nick Nunziata

See
you tomorrow!