It has now been approximately one week since I saw The Incredible Hulk and I can safely say there was nothing particularly memorable about it. Sorry. (Spoilers will follow)

A week after watching Iron Man I was still quoting Jeff Bridges and his “box of scraps” line that is screamed in truly delicious Jeff Bridges-like fashion at a poor scientist who is “not Tony Stark.” Good stuff. But this new Hulk movie? I remember laughing a good guffaw when Tim Roth gets kicked across a field and against a tree. That was a good gag.

But, looking back, I don’t know if I wanted to watch a 110 minute chase scene. This bores me. I mean, it’s fine, I suppose, if you’re Judgement Night – because Denis Leary as a heavy kicks all sorts of ass and really should make more movies. But I simply could not get completely absorbed by The Incredible Hulk, the plot of which consists of Edward Norton getting chased around a favela, then turning into a monster and kicking everybody’s ass… then running back to college, hooking up with his old girlfriend (was she that one-note and sleepy when they were going out?) and then getting chased some more. And turning into a monster again and demolishing a bunch of cars. Then running to New York and getting chased into a building… and finally kicking the shit out of some other fucking monster that got penis envy. Or something. And there’s a lot of grimacing and grunting from William Hurt throughout. And Tim Blake Nelson shows up and is somewhat interesting, but only a comic geek will even understand what is happening to him. Most others will just assume he died – quite stupidly.

Okay. I know that I have pretty much described what is essentially the Hulk movie that everybody wanted to see back in 2003. But, man, what a stupid fucking movie, my friends. I’m terribly sorry.

Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing, well… wrong with it. It is what it is. The action is well staged and there is certainly a lot of it. But surely there was a way to throw in a story that felt like it could go somewhere. For all the criticism leveled at Ang Lee’s film, at least it was about something, wasn’t it? Sure, it took an operatic fucking time to tell its story and could have used some better set pieces for being a comic book movie. But, ultimately, despite its faults, it manages to be more memorable as a film than this one was. Tim Roth getting kicked against a tree was kinda funny, but Josh Lucas getting BLASTED through a comic book panel was even funnier and much more memorable.

And, since it has no real story, it can have no real resolution. The fucker is still on the run. And that monster he beat the crap out of? Still there as well. (What if he just gets up and starts tearing shit up again?) So now we can look forward to The Incredible Hulk Gets Chased Some More two summers from now. Fantastic. I can’t wait.

And, I wonder if it will even actually happen. I guess it could. This thing will probably clean up over there in the US. Not sure how it will do internationally. The audience I saw it with was not exactly cheering. Though there was one geek sitting behind me who helpfully whispered all the comic book references to his companion (not a female) – and said “Hulk Smash!” right along with the green guy (man what a douchebag) and laughed at the Stan Lee cameo just as he was supposed to.

But I don’t know. And isn’t it common knowledge that Ed Norton hated this thing? So, now let’s have Hulk III starring Matthew Fox. And, finally, The Avengers with a special appearance by Til Schweiger as Bruce Banner.

What a fucked up franchise.

Aw, what the hell. I might see it again on Sunday anyway. I’ll let you know if I changed my mind.