Lions Gate
MSRP: $26.98
RUNNING TIME: 89 minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES: A freakload of trailers and black and white screener copyrighting

The Pitch

Fellatio used to be a good thing.

The Humans

Marc Paquet, Marianne Farley, Frederic Pierre, Jessica Malka.

"Can I get fries with those?"

The Nutshell

Mousy Canadian college student Thierry (Paquet), and his roommate, Henri (Pierre) decide to grab a couple of hookers for Thierry’s birthday. But the celebration comes to an abrupt halt when the hooker that Henri took cuts his throat and tries to kill him. Thierry and Henri decide to cover up the attack for fear of police involvement and things seem to be getting back to normal. But then Thierry meets Claire, a redhead, a type of woman he has a weird dislike for, and quickly falls in love with her. At first a cold fish, Claire quickly warms up to him and they have sex that alters his sense of time, responsibility, schoolwork and friendship to Henri. Eventually, however, Claire tells him that she has cancer and is admitted to the hospital. It’s then that Thierry finds out that Claire’s younger sister is the hooker that attacked Henri, Marquise, and what’s worse, Claire and her entire family aren’t exactly human, but they like snacking on them.

"Hey, where’s the cream filling?"

The Lowdown

Fairly interesting premise, but ultimately the film’s a snooze and is about the least horrifying horror movie I’ve seen in a while. All in all there’s probably less than two minutes of anything scary going on and the film is more about finding out exactly what the hell Claire is. Henri, the sidekick, is actually the one doing all of the investigating as Thierry is too busy being pussy whipped by the mysterious redhead. Thierry isn’t exactly Casanova and his approach to women seems to be bitching out and wearing his heart on his sleeve from the get go and telling them he loves them by the second date. You’re almost hoping he gets eaten.

"Oh, I love your pancrea- uh I mean your penis…"

Considering the title of the film, it’s no spoiler to say that Claire, and more importantly her family, are eaters of the flesh, but they’re not vampires, as IMDB would have you believe, but something else with pale skin that are predominantly women. But there’s nothing mystical about them as the explanation is strictly genetic. And more importantly, if Claire doesn’t eat, she gets cancer and dies. But Claire is hesitant and only takes what she needs, which puts her at odds with her mother. This is evidenced by what she does with the contents of a used condom, and we’re not talking turkey basting. The film does take pains to steadily build the mystery and Henri’s investigation, but it takes a couple of tangents, like Henri’s moving in with his girlfriend and then being turned away when he doesn’t tell her, his aunt being Haitian and blacks being the most genetically pure humans (don’t ask), Claire not actually living at her apartment and Henri’s aunt’s car getting her tires slashed during the checking out of Claire’s unlived in apartment that ultimately lead nowhere. Moreover, the film was shot in Montreal and is completely dubbed. Feel free to take a pass on this one.

That ain’t the only flute she plays.

The Package

Couldn’t tell you much. I got a screening copy and it dipped into the old black and white periodically. The film looks decent, but like I said, is completely dubbed and there’s no menus. Moreover, there’s a shitload of trailer you have to get through just to get to said black and white alternating, dubbed version.

3.9 out of 10