I’m like you. I get home after a long day of working for the man and all I want to do is drink myself stupid, watch stupid things on TV and lounge on my big, stupid, yet nonetheless overly plush sofa. I don’t want to think about $5.00 gas, the war in Iraq or which bubble-headed celeb has screwed the pooch the hardest this week: Winehouse, Britney, Lohan, Jamie Lynne, yadda yadda.  I want to turn on my plasma (Vizio ain’t a bad way to go, FYI), tune in the dish…if it happens to be working this week…and veg.

Yet I can’t do that for certain programs because of Closed friggin’ Captioning.

I personally don’t speak Spanish.  Like a certain Bruce Willis character, I only speak two languages: English and Bad English.  Now, this stream of consciousness isn’t even about the Spanish language so much as it is the Closed Captioning being force fed to me by certain programs on my DirecTV.  The worst offense is when I’m tuning in each week to Battlestar Galactica to find out whom Adama’s either yelling at, punching out or sneering at.  At the bottom of the screen: Spanish subtitles that I can’t get rid of.  Maddening.  Although now I do know what
cuatro viven en secreto means.

Take for instance the most recent installment of Tonight Show With Jay Leno.  Tonight he was interviewing Anne Hathaway, who was on the show to plug the upcoming Get Smart theatrical flick.  She was wearing this little number:


Three words generally sum up her ensemble: va, va and voom.  Anne Hathaway in a strapless dress that shows off both her upper and lower attributes is pretty damn okay in my book.  Of course, Jay Leno happens to be one of the select programs where the mandatory Spanish subtitles feel the need to show themselves.  So when I’m waiting for the Hathaway one-shot close up, the best part of the interview, I get this:



And this:




With a little bit of this:




Not to mention some of this:




I say to the Closed Captioning gods out there: why are you determined to censor me from seeing the cleavage of one of the hottest actresses in Hollywood?  Why are you determined to show me that Starbuck realized Esos tres Cylons acaban de darnos la tierra? 

Why??!!

I impart this final thought to all of you Closed Captioning deity fuckers out there: Mayo un interno del corredor de la muerte le nombró el tornillo del rayo de Bubba todo de lado con un shiv hecho en casa.