There are two things that have occurred in the last month or so that both shocked and sickened me. These events are so unbelievable to me it’s taken me a while to put two and two together, but today through a random search engine snafu I believe I’ve drawn a frightening parallel that could threaten the very fabric of the world we live in (NOTE: read that last part with Optimus Prime’s voice in your head).

Event #1: In the wake of DC Comic’s big “re-lauch” Rob “No Feet” Liefeld is being given a new title to draw. Granted it’s Hawk and Dove, but still, the idea that any major company would give this guy’s ridiculous fetish art a spotlight on any title at all is, to me, A-Mazing.

Event #2: Back in late June or early July limp bizkit reunited and released an album of new material backed by a lot of press about how they were returning to “Rip the industry a new one” or some such nonsense. Now, taken by themselves these two events seem ridiculous but harmless. But taken together…

No, I’m kidding, they’re still just ridiculous and harmless, but seriously, there is a correlation here…

To Mr. Liefeld: How is it that you didn’t draw the album cover to the new limp bizkit album? Seriously, if ever there was a match made in heaven, it’s your over-inflated, no-time-to-spend-on-details-when-there’s-biceps-or-breasts-to-draw artistic style and the low-brow, coach-says-no-means-yes sounds of, yes they’ve returned, fred durst and crew. Look at what they went with and then tell me you can’t picture such a ridiculous image being brought to so much finer detail by the man that gave us Deadpool:

(Granted, the cover as it stands is awful but also fairly perfect for the group. Notice the lack of detail to the womens’ faces – am I imagining it or does that not seem to weave a web of implied sexism, the idea that as long as they’re bodies are scantily clad it doesn’t matter how the rest of the woman is drawn, etc.)

A month or two ago I was trolling around on the internet and saw news of a bizkit reunion. Amidst long moments of genuine laughter I thought to myself then of doing a blog, but you know, why take the chance that my mentioning of their name would increase their sales even by a fraction. Then reality dawned on me and I realized that wouldn’t, neigh couldn’t, be the case, as in a sane world it is simply inconceivable that there are actual, honest to goodness fans of this band.

Then I remembered that it is not a sane world – I remembered this when I stumbled across this and this, the second link here being especially interesting not only for giving the album 5 out of 5 stars, or for talking about the band as if they are anything more than an embarrassing skid mark in the history of music, but also for the 3rd comment down where an apparent bizkit fan takes aim at the, ahem, “elitist douche bags” at the Onion’s AV Club for ripping the album a new one.

Yeah, that’s rich.

Now Mr. Liefeld, you may wonder what the hell any of this has to do with you. Well, it’s clear from the frankly embarrassing album art for, ha, “gold cobra” that the bizkit needed some help in that department. And I have to say, there is something of a synesthetic companionship between your art and fred and co.’s music. All muscle, no brain. Raw, pointless aggression. A frat boy hang-up on muscles and, pardon my French, tits. Yeah, really, if I could stand to listen to a bizkit track for more than a few seconds without falling into that weird and uncomfortable state that is equal parts laughing hysterically and gagging on vomit I think the ultimate way to view your art would be while listening to the subtle sounds of the nookie monsters. Not convinced? Look at this image you once drew of Captain America and tell me it doesn’t somehow translate in your mind’s eye to the bully-like strains of a song like any one of the ‘hits’ by ol’ soggy biscuit?

The same way I can read Sandman and know Gaimen was listening to The Smiths and Joy Division while writing parts of it I can tell here that Mr. Liefeld must be a rap-rock fan. Something about Cap’s ridiculously overwrought chest just screams muscle-head and of course, that’s where durst’s bread and butter lies, in the jock jams and date rape frat parties of the past. And despite both of these ominous events occurring at the same time, I can only hope they are quick burning fads and that indeed both Mr. Liefeld’s art and the music of limp bizkit stays in the past. I’m not cruel, and I’m not a hawk and dove fan; I would like for Mr. Liefeld to be able to earn a comfortable living, let’s just keep it on youngblood or image united or something. A younger generations’ ignorance of the past has already lead to renewed stardom for the likes of motley crue and brett michaels, I’d just hate to see liefeld resurface as a ‘hot commodity’ in the comics world. Leave him on his own backwater corner of the image-verse and keep it at that. Well, and limp bizkit’s eventual ‘greatest hits’ album cover – just ‘cuz it’d be soooo right.