Your letters. My smartass replies.Hey folks,

You have a comment and don’t want to send a letter? Please click HERE and pipe up on the message boards. Please? That thread is deader than Uncle Ben.

I took a week off from this column because of issues resulting from the Los Angeles trip but I’m back in effect with the first winner of our MAIL BAG GRAB BAG contest. Every week someone who sends in a Leak Letter (provided their letter isn’t "send me free stuff!") gets a DVD or shirt or whatever. Come, play along!

The Fact This Exist is Hilarious:

The fact it exists is hilarious but the lack of plural is hilarious cubed.

Come around here often?

Photo From Life.

The fact it gets its own section tells me that humanity is in great shape.

MEG Auditions!

Mitch to the left!Kyle writes:

Hey bro, are they going to have auditions for MEG? Or is this show already cast?

Thats all for now,
Kyle The Kool

Nick’s Reply: Kyle’s obviously a real actor because he called the movie a show. He’s also obviously my long lost brother because he called me Bro. In regards to your question, no. We haven’t even been greenlit yet, despite overwhelming evidence as to why we should be. Nature of the beast, politics, whatever. I mean, who wouldn’t rather see Travolta and Queen Latifah in a musical now that the genre’s tired again? Let’s say that MEG gets made, which it will, I just doubt it’ll be 2007 at this point, any sort of auditions or job applications will go through the typical channels they would for any other studio picture. I wish I had some special "in", but I don’t.


Come around here often?

Dakota Fannclub.

Mitch to the right.Cheyann writes:

hi well i was wondreing how do you get to the acting thing where do you go to how much does it cost to start acting i would really like to meet kota fanning and act too so please email me back do you know if dakota can email me at i really would appreciate it alot thanx bye

Nick’s Reply: Acting costs approximately $11.50 to start. I’m sure Dakota will confirm this when she emails you this afternoon upon reading this, her favorite online mail column.


Come around here often?

Not the Winner of This Week’s Prize.

Mitch to the left!Mike writes:

Can I have some free stuff, Please?

Nick’s Reply: If by "stuff" you mean Larry Cohen’s malicious yogurt, then yes. If it’s "free goodies because you sent in such a compelling letter to fuel this column", then go put your unprotected penis near a funnel cloud.


Come around here often?

Response to MEG artwork on G4 #1.

Mitch to the right.Kirk and Cheryl writes:

I swear if this movie doesn’t get made I will be forced to fly to Hollywouldn’t and nail some exec pinhead’s balls to the ceiling. Based on the concept art piece you displayed there has to be some one that will throw money at this. Keep at it, Nick, we’re all behind you (but sadly, without enough money to make it happen).
Somethings are meant to happen. This is one of them.

Nick’s Reply: That concept art is cool, but it’s my 5th or 6th favorite part of the movie. The problem with getting movie on the screen isn’t money. Investors and foreign distributors are ga-ga over it. There’s just a lot of little details in getting a movie made, little nail heads sticking out of the wall. It’s really hard not to get snagged by a few of those as you move down the corridor.


Come around here often?


Mitch to the left!Robert writes:

Nice to hear some news about Meg(very cool picture), all it needs is a cameo from Laird Hamilton.

Anyway, could someone please tell Dave Davis that Captian Marvel is NOT lame? Yes, sure, it’s a clone of Superman, but it looks to me he’s basing his decision on an old cartoon and not the character’s contribution to the DCU. And ‘queer looking red costume’? Thanks for that little observation, Rev. Phelps. Ok, Segal may not be the first choice but there are wild rumors that alot of A-list directors won’t do these kinds of movies.

And another thing. Get Smart? THAT is what he’s all hyped up about? Didn’t we get like 20-25 Get Smart tv movies already? Tell him to buy those and be happy. Sheesh.

To me, Captain Marvel represents squandered potential, but I love the character. It represents every little kid’s dream: To be a superhero. Just saying one word and you can fly, be invulnerable, superstrength, etc. This could be a great family film, and let’s not forget that it’s usually the B and C list stars(tho Cap imho, is always an A list star) who make good comic book movies. Read Blade in the Dracula comics and tell me you could’ve seen his success on the big screen.

Let’s hope this finally gets made. I dunno if Goldman is still writing it, but if he is, I hope he
takes his time and omits Mr. Tawny(the talking tiger), Uncle Dudley, and Mr. Mind. Three more reasons why the comic wasn’t taken seriously by older fans. Here’s hoping.

Nick’s Reply: Thanks for the letter, Robert. It’s well thought out and filled with obvious passion, so let me just go ahead and pile on when I say that Captain Marvel is lame.


Come around here often?

Response to MEG artwork on G4 #2.

Mitch to the right.Sterling writes:

Dude you got us all pumped up and the shark picture was so fake and lame that I seriosly doubt it was anything more than a joke. If this is the feel and style you guys are aiming for, your in big trouble because that picture was so b-movie it was unreal. Super fake-o!
Laughing in Beverly Hills…..

Nick’s Reply: It wasn’t a joke. That said, I’m sorry that you think that a film about an 85 foot prehistoric shark rampaging the high seas might be a work of fiction.


Come around here often?


Mitch to the left!David writes:

CHUD men (especially Devin),

I used to be a fairly devoted reader of all reviews that you put out.

I stopped visiting the site for the most part in the past few months
because my life’s been busy and I haven’t had time for movies (no hard

However, I have had some free time in the past couple of days and have
looked through the reviews you’ve been putting out during the time I
wasn’t visiting, as well as looking over some older reviews. I’ve
noticed an interesting trend: nearly every movie you review gets a
score higher than a six, most an eight or nine. I understand that you
don’t usually bother reviewing films that are at the absolute bottom
of the barrel in terms of quality, but surely even the films you’ve
reviewed aren’t all worthy of their high scores.

I don’t want to take up your time for no reason, I’m just wondering
why you choose to rate films this way. For what it’s worth though, I,
along with a few people I know, do not take any of your reviews
seriously anymore due to your consistency in rating all movies as
though they are masterpieces (even when you have a moderate review of
the film).

I hope that this can help you in some way. If not, sorry for bothering you.

Nick’s Reply: I think you might want to take another look, but only because you’re wrong. Our theatrical reviews archive is HERE and our DVD reviews archive is HERE. That said, despite the fact that you left the subject line of your email blank, I’m making you our first MAILBAG GRAB BAG WINNER. A copy of Dark Water on DVD will be creeping across the countryside in your direction. Here’s hoping you give it a six or higher.


Come around here often?

Wolf Creek.

Mitch to the right.Jon writes:

I’m a long time reader that never bothers putting in my two cents, but just wanted to let you know how impressed I was with your Wolf Creek review. I caught Wolf Creek at the cinemas and loved it. Thought there was something fantastically disturbing and real about the premise. But rewatching it again, I too changed my mind and ended up with the opinion that it was pretty good, it just hangs on to a few key moments. I thought the brunette did a great job, the others sucked balls though. After she dies I it never picks up steam again. The loose ties to a true story were unneccesary, and if abandoned, a more fitting ending could have been possible. It’s good to see that after the hype is gone and the dust settles, you can deliver an honest review when you had the intentions of shooting it to bits. Good work chief, I hope your movie is coming along well and is better than average on its second watch too. Put deleted scenes of full frontal male nudity in the unrated DVD of Colonels, everyone loves seeing cock on screen.

Nick’s Reply: Getting my cock ready as I type.


Come around here often?

CHUD’s Lone 69 Year Old Reader

Mitch to the left!Joe writes:

I’m 69 years old and enjoy getting out to movies, screenings help keep cost down. Lately, there has been a lot of remakes, the ones I have seen just don’t make it in my mind, Example is Pink Panther, no one can play the part as well as Peter Seller, Steve was OK, but didn’t quite have it. Why do they keep doing remakes, is it financially sound?

Nick’s Reply: Remakes are low risk ventures even when they overspend like wild assholes. I remember your name as one of our Charlotte readers who request passes and while I don’t plan to stop doing screenings, it’s a case by case basis. I no longer pursue them but if they’re offered I typically comply. I didn’t realize you were 69 years or I’d have stopped stuffing your envelopes with fliers for my side project, 1-900-PRE-TEEN.


Come around here often?

Bad Motivational Speaker.

Mitch to the right.John writes:

What’s with the haranguing of your readership for not
going to see a particular movie? Just in the last year
AICN, Collider, and CHUD wrote editorials
urging/telling people to see “Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang”;
Devin wrote a piece on how we should all go out to see
“Murderball”, and just recently you wrote to tell us
to drop what we’re doing and go see “Slither”. (Just
to name a few)

This is a trend that strikes me as weird. (Not to
mention hypocritical on Devin’s part considering his
hatred of Browncoat tactics.) People don’t really like
being told what to do, and it’s not like your readers
are a mob that you can control at will. I read your
site on a daily basis, I’m in the target age group of
Slither, I love genre movies, but I really had no
desire to see that movie on that weekend. I had other
things to do. So what? I’ll see it some other time.
It’s not like it is going away forever. I know the
opening weekend box office is important, and it’s
important to support the kind of movies we like, yeah,
yeah, yeah…

There is grass roots mobilization and there is
ordering people around, and sometimes it feels as if
you (and other people on the web) do more of the

Nick’s Reply: I’ll tell you why. Because people are goddamn lazy and they talk and talk and talk about how there are no good movies out there and bitch and moan about the state of the business and when one comes that just might actually make the bad ones worth enduring they let complacency rule the day. "I’ll see it at the dollar theater". "I’ll see it on DVD." God forbid, "I’ll download a copy". The web has created a certain spoiled brat culture for a lot of people out there, ones who don’t feel they have to support anything when it actually comes their time to stand up and participate. They complain about the president and sleep in on voting day, they talk about web sites they like but find hacks around their subscriptions or block their ads, they talk about how shoddy the music or film business is and then bootleg the films, and their idea of dealing with the high costs of video games is by burning them and returning them. I wasn’t ordering anyone, I won’t presume to think I have that authority. But, if I got one person to get off their couch if but for 2 hours to go have fun in a theater, then I’ll take emails like this every day.


Come around here often?


Mitch to the left!

Michelle writes:

Advanced Gain Pro w1ll help you to add not 0nly
Iength to y0ur penis but aIso s0me girth.
W1th our Advanced Gain Pro Penis Enlargement Pills your peni$ can be the largest lighthouse.

Mr. Grunt and Point’s Reply: The reason this email made it into my FEEDBACK folder was because of the subject line. It read "You are a short man with a short penis", and I just assumed without reading the email that is was fan mail. Little did I know that it was actually a thinly veiled ploy to turn my penis BACK into a lighthouse.

Discuss this new feature on our message boards.