STUDIO: Dimension
MSRP: $29.99
RUNNING TIME: 98 Minutes
SPECIAL FEATURES: It has Stephen Dorff – what is more special than that?

The Pitch

Second in Command minus the high cost of Van Damme and half the production value.

The Humans

Stephen Dorff, Bob Hoskins and Laura Fraser

Bob Hoskins hasn’t had a piece of tail this attractive on his arm since Jessica Rabbit.

The Nutshell

You can’t make this shit up – Dorff stars as an FBI agent sent to Hungry to infiltrate the Russian mob whose leader is a British man with a bad accent (Hoskins). Along the way he learns about his Hungarian heritage and falls in love with the boss’ daughter. Oh, and there’s a human-trafficking/prostitution subplot thrown in too.

The Lowdown

This movie is about as dumb as I describe in the Nutshell. The plot is ridiculous and events unfold in the stupidest of ways.

It actually starts off good with the opening credits. The credit sequence is stylized in a way you’d expect to open a Hitchcock movie. It gets you into a good mood to see an old fashioned mystery-thriller. I thought I was going to like it for that first few minutes.

I’m surprised she can stay underwater with those things.

Then the actual movie starts and it is downhill from there. The story is plain dumb and the action sequences are so-so. I could forgive the movie if the action was watchable, but it wasn’t. There was a good action sequence or two but nothing strong enough to string together 100 minutes of film.

A major problem with the movie (beyond the lame plot) is the casting. Dorff brings nothing to the role. He floats through his scenes with as little emotion as he can muster. He’s not bad, just not great either. He could have been easily switched with Van Damme or Brian Bosworth or any other D-grade action star.

The real issue is Hoskins. Seriously, Hoskins as a Russian Mob Boss? WTF? Script calls for hard nose gangster and you pick Smee from Hook? A scene involves him beating a man to death with a pool cue (which is one of the few bright moments in the film) and you think “yeah, let’s get that guy from Roger Rabbit”? You need someone to be a Russian and you get Super Mario?

Something just doesn’t compute there. I can see him needing a paycheck, but was there NO ONE else available? I can’t think of a worse casting decision. Alan Thicke would have been more believable. At least that would have added a good camp factor.

Ultimately, the plot is generic (cop and mobsters), the acting bland, the action pedestrian and the casting plain bad. There are dozens of similar movies that put a little thought into one of those elements. I’d suggest finding one of those.

What looks faker? Dorff’s facial expression or the fire?

The Package

No special features on this disk. Shocker! A bare bones edition that is selling on Dorff’s name I guess (eek).

Oddly, the sound is very good. Given how bad the movie was and that there were no features on the disk, I was half expecting the sound to be in mono. However, it was 5.1 and contains a surprise or two along the way.

1.5 out of 10

The side effects of chest waxing that you didn’t see during 40 Year Old Virgin.