STUDIO: Dark Sky Films
MSRP: $14.98
RUNNING TIME: 94 Minutes
Feature commentary
Deleted/Extended scenes
Grue!! (gore outtakes)
TV/Theatrical trailers
Photo Gallery

The Pitch

of the Cave Bear
meets Ponce de Leon, only instead of a fountain
providing youth it’s the bowels of young women."

The Humans

Aldo Ray
Green Berets
), Linnea Quigley (Return of the Living Dead), Meeno
Peluce (The Amityville Horror).

Don’t Go Near The Teletype Machine

The Nutshell

thousand years ago, two rather erectus-looking
neanderthals we’re condemned by their clan mother. Their crime: devouring the
children of the clan in order to steal their youth. Their punishment: aging for
eternity, but never dying. The two criminals make the most of their sentence,
which doesn’t prevent them devouring the youth of other humans over the
millennia, by setting up shop in an area that will one day be a park in
Los Angeles and munching on the viscera of
the young and the restless.

There is
one way to break the curse and live forever without
the nasty aging and decomposition — that is to sacrifice a virgin that sprang
from a union between a member of the cave man clan and a mortal. One of the
criminals becomes a proud daddy with the hardest task in the world: protecting
a hip, curious chick from losing her virginity for sixteen years or so and
sealing all their fates.

Don’t Go Near The Papier Mache

The Lowdown

Let’s run
down the checklist here. Earnest and mostly awful performances? Check. Guts
torn into like a priest of Kali going for a heart? Check. Tits? Four checks,
though two of those are portrayed as underage, and hence a bit more creepy than
those of your standard nubile scream queen. Zombie-things? Check. Only thing we
seem to be missing is racial stereotypes. It’s okay, though, because we’ve got
plenty of fun poked at the elderly.

Don’t Go Near The
is a joy
all around for fans of late-seventies exploitation. The plot is laughable, and
meanders a bit through the second act, but it maintains a sense of direction.
That momentum is vital for these movies, because there’s not much else to carry
the wispy narrative, and blood and tits can only go so far. The story isn’t
good, of course, but the organization of its presentation gives plenty of room
to be intrigued. Unless you’re a deconstructionist, in which case you’re just
going to feel frustrated. And you should.

direction, by Lawrence D. Foldes, has got a sense of tension that occasionally
gets carried away with stretching time for maximum impact, but usually hits the
right notes. The gore, likewise, features a few missteps in an otherwise satisfying
effort. (For example, some of dummies used for gut-spelunking are obviously
fabricated; others look very natural.)

you can’t help feeling like being a (less witty) version of Tom Servo with the
low-budget films of this period, but Don’t Go Near The Park doesn’t
require such an effort from the audience to pass the time. It’s silly, bloody,
cruel fun that only infrequently takes itself too seriously. It wants your
money and your long intestine, not your heart.

Don’t— I Mean Please Come Nearer The Frosted Glass

The Package

Dark Sky
Films has given us another great restoration from the vaults. The soundtrack is
in 2.0 mono, and the original has survived the transfer with most of its bits
intact. There was obviously some degradation of the original, and it’s
reflected in what you hear on the disc, but it’s nothing worse than you’d
expect. The video quality likewise suffers from poor original quality, but
whatever there was to begin with is preserved with great detail in the digital

As for
bonuses, the few available are good ones. Director/producer/writer Lawrence D.
Foldes and good old girl Linnea Quigley provide a full-length audio commentary.
This commentary is heavily retrospective, since it has been so long since the
movie was made. Some of the details are fuzzy, but both provide wholly
unpretentious remarks on the filmmaking atmosphere of the time and their own
involvements in the cramped, gritty world of exploitation.

There are
also a few extended/deleted scenes and an expanded reel of workprint (meaning
poor quality) gore shots. More blood for those of you who don’t dig on all that
plot crap. To round things out, you get a photo gallery, original TV spot, and
theatrical trailers.

6.5 out of 10