BUY FROM AMAZON: CLICK HERE!
STUDIO: The Asylum
RUNNING TIME: 88 minutes
Debbie Gibson and Tiffany have a fucking food fight. If you need more than that, then back away slowly.
Written by Naomi L. Selfman. Directed by Mary Lambert. Acted by Tiffany, Debbie Gibson, A. Martinez, Kathryn Joosten, Kevin M. Horton, Carey Van Dyke, Robert R. Shafer and Micky Dolenz.
80’s pop star Debbie Gibson plays Dr. Nikki Riley, an animal activist who releases dozens of exotic pythons into the Florida Everglades. Somehow this makes the snakes grow to massive proportions and start feasting on the local alligator population. Enter also ’80’s pop star Tiffany as Terry O’Hara, a park ranger who doesn’t like the fact that the pythons are destroying the Evergladian ecosystem by mowing down on said gators. Her way to combat this problem is to feed steroids to the gators to give them more of a fighting chance against the pythons. Whether this is a bad idea remains to be seen… No, it’s a really bad idea. A shload of people die screaming. Also, did I mention there’s a food fight?
“What’s crazy about this? There’s nothing crazy about this. We’re just feeding steroids to gators. What could go wrong?”
I think the title of this movie is wrong. One might expect a mega python and a gatoroid (I think the -oid at the end signifies that it too is mega) duking it out amidst the Florida swamps while two pop-stars look on in make-up smeared horror. It’s the logical expectation. I assumed it was going to be a giant one on one battle like King Kong Vs. Frankenstein or Mike Tyson Vs. Taryn Manning (those both happened, right?), but instead there are multiple Mega Pythons and a plethora of Gateroids, as well. If we want to get nitpicky, we could also note the fact that the pythons and gators only fight each other while the gators are regular sized. Once they become Gateroids, they team up with the Mega Pythons to wreak havoc on the Everglades and it’s neighboring environs. I think what I’m trying to say is that more appropriate titles would have been something like Mega Pythons and Gateroids Vs. Some People or Eye Jizz: The Motion Picture. I’m not trying to tell these people how to do their jobs, I’m just saying that I could do it better and they should let me.
Even if they had changed the name of the film to my much better titles of films, it might not have made much of a difference in the world where this movie exists. Mega Python Vs. Gateroid (the more I type “Gateroid” the more I picture a scaly genital cyst. Just me?) is a SyFy Original Movie that is also produced by The Asylum. That’s like treating your chlamydia with AIDS. Let me explain. Here are some of the movies SyFy has put out recently: Dinocroc, Supergator, Dinocroc Vs. Supergator, Dinoshark, Sharkinator, Megaduck, Duckeroid Vs. Sharkiduck and Jakob the Liar. I think that’s right. If you’ve seen any of these movies you know the quality we’re talking about here. The Asylum makes films that rip off blockbusters that are about to enter theaters by releasing their own direct to DVD mockbuster a few weeks before the theatrical version comes out. Here are some of the movies The Asylum has put out recently: Titanic 2, Sunday School Musical, Transmorphers, Snakes on a Train, Cowboys & Mexicans, Captain Blamerica, Rise of the Fall of the Planet Where There Could Might Have Been Primates and Puce Lantern (these lists might not be accurate). These two majestic companies combining to make a movie is almost too amazing for letters, but luckily I get paid by the word, sucka’s.
Actually, I changed my mind. I’m not going to pick this one apart for you people but I’ll share a few thoughts with you, bullet point style.
- This movie knows exactly what it is and doesn’t try to surprise you with any sort of quality element to make the time you spent watching this have meaning.
- A. Martinez is pretty great in this. He fully commits to everything and deserves to be in bigger and better things. Also, my Grandma babysat him when he was a toddler and said he was sweet.
- Debbie Gibson looks great but has a weird lisp that grows more pronounced as the movie progresses. It’s like she has a 90 minute long stroke.
- Tiffany looks like she shaved her eyebrows and had a Latina gangbanger draw new ones on. They don’t make her look like a park ranger as much as they make her look like a Juggalo.
- Tiffany also has a couple of butterfly tattoos on her central mid-thigh that I mistook for lesions. She should either get them looked at or pay better people to do better art on her body.
- Kathryn Joosten looks pretty embarrassed to be a part of the project, but I’m glad she did it because watching Mrs. Landingham get bitten in half by a giant fucking python was #7 on my bucket list. Next up: Dane Cook getting raped by cheetah’s. Poor cheetah’s.
- The CG in this is almost Birdemic bad. There’s a little more shading and rendering on these, but they have little to no effect on their environment. When the pythons slither through the water, the water doesn’t do shit other than continue to exist as water.
- Tiffany’s version of “I Think We’re Alone Now” was the first time I heard that song and I thought it was the only version until the mid-’90’s. Around the time I killed myself.
- Director Mary Lambert directed the Pet Semetary movies and the music video for Like A Prayer. I can’t call her career a spiral but it’s at least a downward trajectory of desecration and shame.
- Debbie and Tiffany each have a song in the film. Debbie’s is country-ish, while Tiffany’s has more of a reggaeton flavor. Both are music.
- This is another bullet point.
Mega Python Vs. Gateroid is no one’s fault but our own. The Asylum has never had a loss on one of their pictures and SyFy (fuck you for making me spell that again life) still exists so there is a market that appreciates these things. I don’t know where that market is or whether it exists in the level of existence all of our physical energy resides in, but it is somewhere and we shop at it whether we’re aware of it or not. I try to make myself sound above it all, but I eat this shit for breakfast, lunch and second breakfast. If it weren’t for movies like this then I’d have to watch movies like The Help or that one with that chick. I can’t call this good entertainment or even really competently made, but it’s my shitty movie and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
There’s a trailer and a featurette which shows what good sports Tiffany and Debbie Gibson were while making this. It also helped kill the weird obsession I had with Tiffany when I was 8. Obviously by kill I mean deepen and by deepen I mean I’m looking at her right now. Everything’s coming up Rasic.
Out of a Possible 5 Stars