Mailbagsukidoji:

Your letters. My smartass replies.Hey folks,

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I think this is three straight weeks of Leak Letters being run. For me, that’s an Ironman Award and a half. Thanks for reading and enjoy!

Here you go…

If CHUD Ran the Movies:


All apologies to the makers of THE INSIDE MAN.

Come around here often?

Photo From Life.


Taken at a nature park.

Who Crotches the Crotchmen?

Mitch to the left!Simon writes:

One question.

Zach Snyder – Watchmen – A good combination?

Nick’s Reply: I don’t have enough evidence. Devin seemed enthralled with the man’s work on 300 and Dawn of the Dead was a lot of fun. That said, Greengrass or Aronofsky is much more interesting to me. Allow me to name drop a bit; ages ago I was asked by the producers who I’d have direct the film if given carte blanche and my answer was simple: Anthony Minghella. They dug the idea, and he’s my number #1 even above Terry Gilliam for this flick. This is a project of great nuance and he’d be the one to make it a masterpiece. I want to see the film made and I trust Lloyd and the gang making it. I have to admit that Snyder ranks behind all the folks I mentioned above in my mind.

(SEND A LETTER)

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Awwwwww.

Mitch to the right.Kevin writes:

Are the Hollywood Studios dangling on your last nerve? Are they micro-managing the minutia of pre-pre-pre-production of "Meg" at a snails pace? Then I say…fuck ‘em. Come home. We Chewers will welcome you back with open arms. There is enough talent on this site to produce a dozen genre films for the price of a fistful of rice crispies. If the studios won’t let you make your prehistoric shark movie, then we’ll make our own…" ‘Ladon". We’ll make that shit with hand puppets and action figures. Hell, I’d pay ten bucks to see a quality handmade film like that. Hollywood may keep from making bloated blockbusters, but they can’t keep you from making movies. All you really need is talent, time, and balls of steel. GO MUSLIMS!

Nick’s Reply: Don’t give up on ‘ol Meg yet, fella. I have a feeling that we’ll be seeing some giant maneaters in the high seas soon enough. That said, even with that flick and the few other projects I’m keeping tight-lipped about (I learned my lesson), I’m going to pop in here more often. Especially if the letters keep coming!

(SEND A LETTER)

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Unseen Slitherhate.

Mitch to the left!Rob writes:

"Slither" will hopefully fail, as it looks like the biggest piece of shit ever put to film. How can you people be serious, all these review-sites saying it’s so great? Are you guys insane? Is it because they advertise? That’s fine if it is. Can’t bite the hand that feeds you and all that.

But still, let it go. And don’t compare it to "Shaun", which was lightyears better than this piece of shit.

Nick’s Reply: You apparently hadn’t seen the film when you sent this, so your opinion is the typical "from the cheap seats" kind of stuff that makes the Internet so bush league but I think we’ve pretty much proven that advertising does absolutely nothing to our motivation, as proven by the many, MANY flicks we’ve ransacked only to have their banners run here. All the ad dealing is done by people in an office building who have nothing to do with the site. Anyhow, it’s a great flick and while it’s not as nuanced and unique as the Pegg/Wright classic, it’s no small potatoes and a lot of fun in its own right.

(SEND A LETTER)

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Ad Nauseum.

Mitch to the right.Jason writes:

People hate Devin. Devin recommended Slither. People didn’t go see Slither to spite Devin. I’m still pissed at him after that mother fucker recommeded The Hills Have Eyes. God that was like being raped by werewolves till I caught fire.
Fuck Devin with a super heated aluminum bat.

Nick’s Reply: Werewolf rape leads to chemical burns but not actual flames. As a result of your improper science I have to take umbrage with your summary even though The Hills Have Eyes wasn’t great for the 11 minutes I saw (I got an important phone call right at the beginning and came back into the theater to watch the kids torch a hillbilly in the motorhome). That said, I do appreciate the Devin hate. Life just isn’t the same without some Devin hate.

(SEND A LETTER)

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Bigbootie.

Mitch to the left!Adam writes:

Just wanted to drop a thanks to not only you, but to all the guys and gals of Chud for doing such a bang up job, especially the coverage of Slither. What a wonderful, gruesome, sick, twisted, and just plain FUN movie it was. Don’t worry, I was at a party later that night and I promoted the hell out of it. People need to see this movie. Yeah, sometimes it’s fun to sit at home and watch movies w/ a small group of friends, but this movie will remind people what a delight it is to sit in a movie theatre w/ a crowd of strangers, forgetting all the bullshit that encompasses each of our lives, and just have a balls out, raucous, good time. I caught a matinee of Slither, so the crowd wasn’t too big, but GODDAMMIT did we all have a good time! Best line of the movie(Devin, you were right. There are a TON of good lines in this movie): "His arm was all bendy."

I look forward to your guys’ coverage in the upcoming months. This summer looks like it will be a lot of fun. Don’t get me wrong. I do have my reservations (X-Men III? I’ve crossed every appendage I have, but nothing will save Kelsey Grammar from looking like a Disney on Ice version of Sully) but I will remain ever optimistic, Republicans be damned! Sorry, my politcal commentary is more butter knife-like than razor sharp. Keep your guys’ opinions(political and otherwise) coming; they keep the site interesting, fun, and more importantly, unique.

Lastly, I am proud to say that after 25 years of life I have finally seen The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai across the 8th Dimension. I finally understand the watermelon. Question: Is the end of The Imposters, with the long tracking shot over the credits, an homage to Buckaroo?

Keep up the exceptional work.

Nick’s Reply: I don’t know, but there’s a Buckaroo Banzai reference in The Life Aquatic and honestly, who hasn’t been influenced by the Hong Kong Cavaliers at some point in their lives? Thanks for the nice note.

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Crashing.

Mitch to the right.Malcolm writes:

I appreciate your honest and accurate rating of the piece of crap movie, "Crash". I just saw it last night, and, if I rate it along with all other Oscar winners that I have viewed, it was just a piece of shit. One dimensional characters in a "deep" movie with a message? It had the effectiveness of one of those promotional NBC public announcement things, like, by the way, kids, this is what racism looks like. The sad thing is, when sub-par movies like this one get awards and make money, they make a whole lot more of them!


Nick’s Reply: My review of the DVD of the director’s cut of Crash is forthcoming, but I hope you haven’t seen many Oscar winners because there are a ton of truly lovely films with a statue to their credit. Crash most certainly isn’t one of them, though. It’s so heavy handed it makes racism look like a feasible alternative.

(SEND A LETTER)

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The Return.

Mitch to the left!Daniel writes:

I’m glad to see that you are starting to get back on the frontlines of CHUD. I understood and respected your decision to back off because of potential and/or perceived conflicts of interest caused by your endeavors into the producing world. I think it showed some integrity on your part to do that (if that is even the actual reason), but I think your full disclosure about your producing work helps in that regard. Also, I think you (and CHUD in general) are very skilled at explaining why you are endorsing or not endorsing something. Some reviewers just say a movie is ‘awesome’ or ‘cool’ and leave it at that, but I really feel like you guys are much more analytical in your approach to reviewing movies (or even in reviewing movie news). That, to me, is also key for not coming off like your opinion is tainted by outside interests. So, I’m glad you’re back (or at least are more back than you were before). Keep up the good work sweetie-pie.

Nick’s Reply: Thanks a bunch. I’m still going to be real careful in how I involve myself here on the site because it is important for me to not be any more of a hypocrite than I am.

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Indy 500 Years Old.

Mitch to the right.Phil writes:

It’s good to see you doing regular updates like the Indiana Jones piece. Your sense of humor and general presence has been missed, although I understand why. The more involved you are the better.

And I agree about The Last Crusade. It’s a vastly overrated as a "return to form". Most of the humor comes across as desperate.

Nick’s Reply: You couldn’t be more right, mostly because you are agreeing with me.

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Answering Eileen’s Hate Mail.

Mitch to the left!Michael writes:

in regards to http://www.chud.com/index.php?type=dvd&id=6258 :

 (please forward to whom it may concern)

Dear Eileen:

JESUS CHRIST YOU STUPID LOOPY BITCH USE A COMMA OR TWO ONCE IN A
WHILE. YOU SUCK ON A LEVEL HITHERTO BEYOND HUMANITY’S REACH, A LEVEL
THAT TRANSCENDS LITERATE ELOQUENCE – FOR THE BLACK HOLE THAT IS EVERY
SINGLE GODDAMN REVIEW YOU FART OUT YOUR SYPHILLITIC ANUS SUCKS AWAY
THE LITERACY STANDARDS OF EVERYTHING IN ITS FAT, FAT SIGHT.

That is all.

Nick’s Reply: Michael, I hope you feel better after attacking the most innocent and unassuming person on all of CHUD.com, if not the internet in general. Now that you feel better I urge you to immediately log off the computer and step into the sunlight and allow its healing energy to wash over you and cleanse you of all this built up frustration. Think of poor Eileen, who simply reviewed a silly cartoon on the hopes someone may get something out of it. Think of this and then wonder why the fuck a person who writes the kind of letter you did gets to not be hit by speeding trucks and perfectly nice and centered people do.

(SEND A LETTER)

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L.A. Just Realized Racism is Bad.

Mitch to the right.MCH writes:

Thought this might interest you guys

As a resident of LA, I find this pretty insulting to my intelligence.

Nick’s Reply: I think it insults the intelligence of single celled organisms too.

(SEND A LETTER)

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SPAM OF THE DAY!

Mitch to the left!

Cristian writes:

see easel but lucid , bernstein in oligarchy or chairmen on scimitar or melody it incandescent be burl try chalkline see gavel , caught try monday , airplane on phalanx but omnibus try combustible but eyesight but indistinct it’s rouge it compline the decathlon and emerge , lemma may limpkin not billboard or concocter ! burgeon it ashmen see boylston and nestor the cellular on pitchblende but boatman or mendelssohn but coyote try collectible in cummings it elicit and seduce may avalanche not south but uruguay ! atavistic try fascicle

Mr. Grunt and Point’s Reply: This shit is better than any poet ever to walk this planet. Fuck Dante.

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