STUDIO:  Image Entertainment
MSRP: $16.99
RUNNING TIME: 85 minutes

  • Trailer

The Pitch

American Pie for teenage girls. And gay men.

The Humans

Written by Grant Vetters, David Kolbowicz and Chris Charney. Directed by Dana Lustig. Acted by Tania Raymonde, Rumer Willis, Kristin Cavallari, Ryan Merriman, Jesse Moss, John White, Rob Schneider and Tia Carrere.

The Nutshell

Helen (Raymonde) is a senior at Benjamin Dover High (these are the jokes, folks) who is excited to lose her virginity to her handsome, football playing boyfriend, Stanford (Merriman). But before she can do it, her meddlesome friends Katlyn (Willis) and Trish (Cavallari) find out that the men on the football team have a book that lists all the female virgins in school and (in order to win the state championship) they have to make the sweet sexy time with each girl listed. Helen thinks that’s the only reason Stanford wants to sleep with her, so she and her two friends decide to get revenge on the boys in multiple homophobic and dangerous ways.

Eat a dick, Criss Angel.

The Lowdown

I’m not gonna lie about this one. I picked this movie to review because Tania Raymonde was in it and I have had a bit of a crush on that girl ever since I saw her in Lost (hey, at least I didn’t say Malcolm in the Middle). At first I felt guilty and slightly unclean about my attraction but then I read she was dating Jeff Goldblum and that she was in her 20’s and not at all 16 like she looks. In Wild Cherry she’s playing 17 (almost 18), so I hope you can forgive my confusion. I also noticed the cover which had her in a belly shirt with the number 69 on it, leading me to believe this was going to be fully ensconced in the “sex romp” genre, which also had me excited to varying degrees of extremely. Since it was advertised as such, I should have realized it would be the opposite of all things rompish and be aimed more towards the riot girrrl\girl power crowd. Which is totally fine and probably makes for a better movie in most cases, but it feels like with this one they might have sold both genre’s short and ended up with a hodgepodge of half formed jokes and characters without the rampant sex and nudity that would make us forget about all the dumb shit.

Tania Raymonde is great with what she’s given. She can definitely carry a movie like this easily with her innocent smile and big, innocent eyes and she would have had comedic timing to sell the jokes if there had actually been some for her to sell. The movie can’t decide whether it wants to be a slapstick comedy in the vein of American Pie or whether it wants to examine high school culture’s way of cheapening (while simultaneously romanticizing) the loss of virginity and the maturity that supposedly heralds. For example, there’s an entire montage of Raymonde (after realizing she’s never had an orgasm) going around her house and using different things (like a carrot and the washing machine. Oh, and a fucking vibrator that sync’s to her Ipod) to try and get off. After failing to get off with all these different devices, she goes to put some clothes on and comes back downstairs to see her father (almost subtly played by Rob Schneider) is now home and about to make a salad with the carrot still dewy from his 17 year old daughter’s pristine vagina. It’s ridiculous as he gets closer and closer to just taking a bite of the carrot until she just grabs it from him and throws it out the window and walks away. No explanation given or needed. Yet when Raymonde is having a conversation with her boyfriend about sex or with her two friends about sex, most of the time it’s played straight and attempts to try and shed light on the psyche of a girl desperate to lose her virginity. Why would the movie try and get me to take it seriously only a few minutes after a pussy carrot gets thrown out of a window by Rob Fucking Schneider? Answer: because it’s dumb.

Rumer Willis (looking a shit ton like Demi Moore) also comes out of this pretty unscathed even though she’s playing a stereotypical manic pixie dream girl who’s also head of the high schoool AV club. I liked her delivery and she has a ridiculously attractive mouth that I don’t even want to talk about for fear of The Bruce coming down on me like the 4 horsemen of the manpocalypse (I assume he reads Chud because he’s cultured and awesome). Kristin Cavallari (who I guess is famous for being on something called The Hills, which I’ve never seen because of having a penis and self respect) is pretty good as well and not nearly as terrible as being a reality show human should be. There’s really no wooden actors when it comes to all the “high school kids” which is impressive for a movie like this and even more impressive when listening to the dialogue they have to spew at each other. It would have been very easy for everyone to look incredibly embarrassed all of the time and they remarkably all seem to be having a good time and enjoying each other’s company.

"It's for you to keep your career in like I do. Try not to shit on it too much, though, or else no one will want it after you're done with your twosie."

The revenge aspect of the film is pretty annoying, as well. Yes, the guys are all douchebags who are trying to have sex with all these nice girls in order to avoid some stupid football superstition, but the girls take their revenge to such levels of extremity that Raymonde’s boyfriend ends up in the hospital at one point because the girls put a bunch of boner pills in his punch (I hate myself for writing that last sentence). They pour an entire bottle into the punch bowl and then act all surprised when the erection starts creating intense physical pain. It’s just games being played by immature people who constantly are getting surprised that their actions have consequences. The guys want to sleep with the girls because of a superstition and (most) of the girls want to sleep with the guys just so they can not be virgins anymore. Everybody’s reasons suck, get over yourselves.

I didn’t get what I wanted out of this movie which was a combination of Tania Raymonde being adorable and sexy, a comedy that actually made me laugh and maybe an addition to a stale genre that actually had something to say. Raymonde is most assuredly adorable and sexy for every frame of the film, which is honestly what made me keep watching it since there wasn’t a single laugh to be found in the entire running time and the script was staler than homeless bread. This movie won’t set the high school sex comedy genre back because no one is probably ever going to watch it anyway and if people do end up haphazardly stumbling across the movie on TV one day, it’ll be forgotten about before it’s even over.

The Package

There’s a trailer for the movie which shows scenes from the movie out of context in order to get you to rent or buy the product sight unseen. The film itself is so flatly shot that watching it on Blu is akin to entering a race with a Geo Tracker.


Out of a Possible 5 Stars

"I sometimes lie awake at night wondering what my career trajectory will be."