Recently, megastarlet Jessica Alba gave an interview with moviesonline where she answered the question “Where did you guys hang out off the set?” with the following statement:

Jessica Alba: We went to the director’s house quite a bit. In
Albuquerque there’s really only one restaurant that’s pretty good. You
can only take Applebee’s and Chili’s so much. Our big day was hanging
out at Walmart for five hours. It was like, ‘Yea Walmart!’

As an Albuquerquerqueran, I take serious issue with this statement.  We also have Golden Corral. 

Let’s face it: Jessica Alba is probably better-traveled than most of us.  If she doesn’t like your city, it’s probably for a very good reason.  As it happens, she’s currently working on a travel guide, and I managed (through my shady CHUD connections) to grab an abstract.  Behold, the preview of:

Around The World in 80 Spoiled Cunts (I guess it’s a working title!)

Auschwitz/Bierkenau:  First off, the gift shop was all “Ooh, donate money!”.   What a scam!  Everything in the store was gross and had the word ‘Remembrance’ on it.  Then, we spent a few hours in a museum with old luggage and shaved hair, and it was like, ‘Yea, Hair!’.  Also, no restaurants at all!   D-.

Rome:  Talk about dirty.  Most of the buildings were old.  We went to some restaurants, and when I asked for a pizza, you should have seen the crap they brung us!    Someone really ought to teach these people how to cook Italian, and also to speak American.  I was like, “Yea, Aqueducts!” the whole time.  These people and their aqueducts!  It never ends.  C-

New Zealand:  My Mom and I made a list of the 10 things we wanted to do before we died, and one of mine was that I wanted to boogie board down the slopes of Mount Doom in winter.  You can imagine my disappointment when I got to New Zealand and it was explained to me that Mount Doom was fintitional- in other words, the real Mount Doom was in Finland, and that it was only set in New Zealand for the movies.  D stands for for deception.

[Serious note:  Counting its suburbs, Albuquerque is a city that holds around a million people.  Unless you’re a drooling idiot and can’t be bothered to actually look for one of the city’s many museums, theaters, hiking trails, ski slopes, casinos, bars, and Golden Corrals, then you deserve to spend five hours at Wal-Mart, you blathering, brainless pod person.]