Your letters. My smartass replies.Hey folks,

You have a comment and don’t want to send a letter? Please click HERE and pipe up on the message boards. Please?

So, as I get rended anally by the film business I figured it’d be nice to contribute a little to the site that made me a hundredaire. Granted, most of the mail I get is addressed to Devin but who better to answer his mail than me?

Seriously, I’d love to do this column a lot more often. So send mail. About anything!

Here you go…

If CHUD Ran the Movies:

All apologies to the makers of LARRY THE CABLE GUY: HEALTH INSPECTOR, but not to anyone who bought a ticket to see it.

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The Fact This Exists Is Hilarious.

I have a rule. Never eat anything taller than myself. As a result, I will never eat the 6 foot Blimpie Blast. Or Peter Dinklage.


Mitch to the left!Don writes:

Thanks for the review of the new Godzilla double-dip, but I didn’t see
any mention of picture/audio quality. Is there a new transfer?
Or sound mix? Just wondering, as an improved picture might
tip me off the fence I’m on regarding whether or not to purchase it…

You think YOU were excited to see that film in 1998… I wrote a Unix shell
script that emailed me and my friends each morning with a "Godzilla countdown".

I bought tickets for my friends to the preview screening, made hand-drawn
Godzilla-shaped sleeves for the tickets, and ran to Toys R Us to by figures
right after I saw it. I played that initial museum-themed teaser trailer on my
computer over and over and over. And, when it was all over, I had about the
same reaction you did.

I still love the effects, but man, what a lousy job of casting. Maria Pitillo,
while semi-cute and perky, was WRETCHED. Give me the whining Japanese kid in a
baseball cap any day over her performance.

Anyway, thanks for all the work you do on the site. I hit it every day.

Nick’s Reply: There’s been a lengthy discussion on the CHUD boards, but almost none of it really has much to do with my review. I assume they read it. Godzilla was a misstep, but a great learning experience for Hollywood because the "larger is better" policy doesn’t work. That said, I guess it isn’t a learning experience because they didn’t learn a goddamn thing, as evidenced by The Day After Tomorrow (my brilliant DVD review). It sounds like I’m picking on Roland Emmerich, but I’m not. He makes BIG movies. It’s what he does. He didn’t write the check or anything. It’s a studio’s job to make sure the film they’re making is a good one. Godzilla could have easily been terrific and we’d have seen a lot more monster movies come out. It wasn’t and we haven’t, King Kong being the exception but it’s also ina different class because of the Jackson factor and the fact that King Kong is still an icon. Here’s the funny thing about Pitillo: I loved her in Bye-Bye Love. I was sort of excited to see her in Godzilla based on that flick (Matthew Modine is awesome in it. McDonald’s is not). Now I’d like to see Godzilla in her. Sexually.


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Book Reviews.

Mitch to the right.Rob writes:

I just saw in your most recent Leak Letters round-up that you’re
interested in bringing back book reviews.

I’d love to be your man on that. I dig the hell out of the site -
it’s one of my escapes when I’m trying to ignore work – and I’ve been
a reader for years. I wrote a few Chewer Columns when they first

I’m an avid reader, tear through a bunch of books a month, and the
majority of them are contemporary.

If you’d like me to put a test review together or something, I’d be
more than willing. I hail from NYC and I’m a political reporter, so
I’m pretty good at meeting deadlines.

Interested? Let me know. Even if not, the site still has a dark
little spot in my heart. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Nick’s Reply: Send a sample to THIS LINK. We are actively looking for folks like you as well as one new news editor with balls and style.


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Funny how?

Mitch to the left!Kevin writes:

Where have you been? I miss your particular brand of humor. Your wit is quick, dry, and coarse. Not to be confused with pork barbeque rub.

Nick’s Reply: Thanks for the nice words. I have plans to rejoin the site on a semi-regular basis because, frankly, the stuff I’ve been doing is a pain in the ass and totally unrewarding in terms of instantaneous results and I’m so tired of the politics of the behind the scenes part of movies. I’ll of course still do it, but I cannot abandon my home here any longer.


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Mitch to the right.Jon writes:

What happened to the MCP Columns? You made a passing
reference to it in the most recent edition of Leak Letters (#33),
but I was curious if its demise was due lack of reviewers,
subject material to review, general lack of interest, etc.?

I enjoy the site a great deal, so thank you for what must be a massive
effort in maintaining it.

Best of luck,

Nick’s Reply: I thought we had a video game crew to make the column work. I was wrong.


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Muslim? I Barely Knew Him!

Mitch to the left!Nashrid writes:

Just to let you guys know, I’m Muslim and I read the site pretty damn frequently so anytime you guys want to take a jab, just go right ahead. It’s not like we’re not gettin used to it by now. You know that feeling when everyone is talking about you like ur not even in the room? That’s kinda how it feels bein Muslim these days. Great site guys. Keep up the good work.

Nick’s Reply: Much appreciated. Devin’s main contributions to the site have been threefold. 1.) He took the heat off me as the resident cocksucking asshole prick bastard son of a fucking bitch cockjerk fuckface poo-head. 2.) He elevated the film reviews to a new level, eclipsing in my mind even the legendary SJR’s stuff (though not his ‘paying for the movies’ stuff). 3.) He brought (like it or not) politics to CHUD. Instead of being known for obscure references and silly shit we’re now known for obscure references, silly shit, and a constant stream of venom and virtue dished out with a political slant. I think Devin’s work on that matter has made the site smarter and more relevant, but also a little more exclusionary at times. It’s the precence of folks like yourself that make me feel the sacrifice was worth it. Go Muslims!


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The Board Ultimatum.

Mitch to the right.Dave writes:

Hi i’m dave ______ and i’m from western massachusetts.

I sent you an email a couple months ago about your worst of 2005 list
because i loved that someone else hated emily rose and the
interpreter as much as me.
You’re my favorite guy on the site. You have a GREAT site and i read it once a
day. I love movies and i don’t really like aicn, so i’ve become a chewer. But
you aren’t alone, the boards SUCK.

I read the sarcastic jabs that the posters write and you’re right, they just
want attention. EPSPECIALLY when devin, dave or you starts a board. Then it
becomes a 100 yard dash to who can WOW devin with something clever.

Your board was great. I think that even though you caught some backlash, a
handful of geeks might change their ways due to your rant.

The site’s blend of movie info and humor is great, then i read the boards and
excluding about 4 people, they are all really lame and pretty mean.

I wrote this kinda late at night, I hope it makes sense.

Nick’s Reply: I recently posted
THIS in an effort to get things in order because I personally felt that a handful of message board posters were doing their part to make the boards soggy. This isn’t like those obvious character who can simply be ignored but people who just clog the arteries of the boards with useless shit that can easily be tweaked. Those folks I feel have somethignt o contribute but need guidance. They aren’t trolls or anything, just younger folks who need a little less volume and more quality. Of course, people used the thread as a pulpit because when the site’s creator starts a topic like this it’s going to be read. As a result some folks showed their ass. It’s all good though. Maybe it’ll work and maybe it won’t. If it doesn’t, I’m fucking done with it. No more boards for me.


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Gay Stuff.

Mitch to the left!Jefferey writes:

I’m not really sure who exactly I should be sending my two cents to, since it’s a response to something Nick wrote (a response to), yet it’s about Devin (in a round about way). So I decided to be redunadant and address it to the both of you. What I’m refering to is the Leak Letters #33 column on 3.24.06, specifically "Answering Dev’s Mail II: The Hardening", and what CHUD-reader Michael had to say. I don’t even know where to start with this guy. When he askes "Do you ever watch a movie for the enjoyment of it?" I (almost) want to question if this is a retorical question Michael is proposing. Man, he seemed really steamed ("!!"). I also got a kick out of his polite request at the end of the letter to "please just tell us about the movie" (that in no way shows genuflections towards views and ideas that are not my own, nor am i ready to accept). The meat of what I’m writing about concerns what Michael had to say about Devin’s comment in the Brokeback review. To quote Michael: "…comparing being a homosexual to being black! [sic] You can’t even be a closet black guy. That is the dumbest thing I ever heard." I have to agree with Michael’s sentiment "that is the dumbest thing I ever heard." Except I think the sentiment applies to what Michael said. Sadly Michael needs to open his eyes a little more and realize that are such thing as "closeted" black guys. Amazingly, over hundreds of years black men and women have socially developed a stigma to in relation to their skin color. I, for the life of me, couldn’t tell you why. This stigma is so ingrained that they even persecute among themselves o n order of lightness or darkness of skin tone. Okay, enough sarcasm. Honestly, the first example I thought of off the top of my head regarding a "closeted" black man was Dave Chappelle talking about how he got the idea of Clayton Bigsby -the infamous first episode Blind Black White Supremecist sketch- from his own grandfather. Apparently Chappelle’s grandfather was light skinned enough to pass as a white person, and had one specific event where he was mistaken for a white person during an event with racist overtures. Interesting…? Maybe. But I know that sometimes people don’t sit well when you refute their aruments or points of view with tidbits about comedians personal lives. So I decided to google some info about light skinned black people passing as white people. Interestingly enough, the first thing I came accross was a Pittsburgh Post-Gazette article about that very subject from March of 2003 (here’s a link if you’re interested in reading it). The article seems to have come about in syncronation with the film The Human Stain based on the Philip Roth novel (it mentions both in the article). I had completely forgotten about the movie and the book. Now I have an idea for a stocking stuffer for Michael. What I’m getting at is this, I love what you guys do with your site. Please keep it up. I know it helps that I happen to agree with a lot of Devin’s stated political views, and that they don’t incense me enough to keep me from reading his movie reviews. I would hate to see your site change because of too many letters with views like Michael’s, and not enough appreciative letter’s being sent in. I’m also very much looking forward to see what you have in store for your new book review columns. Art, movies, and books are what I subsist on, so if I can centralize my some of my habits (I haven’t found any online book review sites that appeal to me yet), that would be great.

Nick’s Reply: Wow. Nice letter. Informative as fuh. Also, it looks like we really need to start book reviews. Pronto. Consider it done. I have about a zillion I want to do.


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Adil of the Century.

Mitch to the right.Adil writes:

Just wanted to shout out some Muslims do read CHUD. And in response to the highly articulate letter (Thats sarcasm by the way) by JSG – you really are an idiot aren’t you? Seriously read a book that doesn’t have pictures in it sometime. Start with basic history and theology and you may be able to better appreciate why most American’s aren’t so hot in the Muslim World. I certainly don’t remember Muslims invading a Western country in the recent past to spread "democracy" (cough cough need more oil) but hey what do I know? I need to lighten up. We have our extremists just like everyone else but don’t expect all Muslims to love you cause you invaded one of our own and then covered up your incompetence behind a ‘whiteman’s burden’ defense. The whole cartoon controversy was nothing but a cheap racist gimmick that unfortunately worked iniciting such a response. Lets not even debate how we can apply Western standards of conduct and protest to a largely illiterate and poor population for whom basic survival is an issue and for whom religon is the only thing that gives them a shred of diginity in a world constantly seeking to marginalize the poor – a concept alien to the Republican party. Seriously try reading a book and understanding that there must be 2 sides to any conflict.

PS. I will not even dignify the derogratory remarks about my religon from a person who obviously has no idea what he is talking about. Go on continue to get your info from Pat Robertson and his ilk, your kind aren’t even worth a response. This note is just to let people know that CHUD is good.

Nick’s Reply: Heck yeah CHUD’s good. It’s great. Two Muslims agree!


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Political CHUD.

Mitch to the left!Max writes:

Long time reader … Just wanted to salute CHUD for not being cowed by people who can’t deal with your reflection on movie themes. I don’t always agree with you politically or otherwise, but I shouldn’t expect to since I am reading a review site, which by its nature suggests I’ll be getting something to pry my brain open a little. Readers who complain that you are becoming more political than usual should note that the movies you are reviewing have political themes. I’d suggest that they read a backlog of CHUD so they can realize that you’ve never been afraid to reflect on ANY theme of a movie, be it the nature of the presidency or the sexuality of mollusks. It would be disappointing if you dodged the issues as they seem to want you to do. I say write on!

Nick’s Reply: Much appreciated, and we will!


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Clarification please…

Mitch to the right.Kimberly writes:

Thanks so much for this review!

Your captions are absolutely HILARIOUS!!!!

Nick’s Reply: She didn’t refer to a particular review so I’ll just say that she loves them all! To read our fine and informative DVD reviews, click here.


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Mitch to the left!

Bathtubs HQ writes:

I manage a website called and I think
your site would be of interest to the visitors that regularly
browse my site.

I have gone ahead and given you a link plus a description of
your site from my page at
and I’m just contacting you to check it is ok to have done this
for you?

I would greatly appreciate a link back to my site and if you
are happy to do this then to make it easy for you I have
included the following code…

<a href="">Bathtubs HQ</a>
Everything Bathtubs, from 1800’s Bathtubs to Wooden Bathtubs.

Feel free to change the suggested code if you would like to.

I look forward to a mutually beneficial link partnership and I
wish you all the best with your site for the future. Please let
me know if there is anything else I can do for you.

Kind regards


P.S. Keep up the good work!

Disclaimer: If this email has reached you in error or if you
would not like to be contacted again then please accept my
sincere apologies. Let me know by sending an email to if this is the case and I will make
sure never contacts you again.

Mr. Grunt and Point’s Reply: There is a website for bathtub enthusiasts. I can die now.

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