MSRP: $19.95
RATED: PG-13 for Monster Violence
RUNNING TIME: 139 Minutes

  • Available Subtitles: English, French
  • Available Audio Tracks: English (Dolby Digital 5.1), French (Dolby Digital 2.0 Surround)
  • All new best of Godzilla fight scenes
  • 3 episodes from the "Godzilla" animated series
  • Production art gallery
  • Special effects supervisor commentary
  • "Heroes" music video by The Wallflowers
  • Promotional Featurette
  • Publicity stills gallery
  • Godzilla takes New York with before and after shots

What a legendary moniker, as opposed to Scranton: The Town With Mild Narcolepsy.

The Pitch

There’s no man in no suit this time. The roundeyes have the conn!

The Humans

Matthew Broderick. Maria Pitillo. Harry Shearer. Kevin Dunn. Jean Reno. Doug "Autistic" Savant.

The jury is in: Roland Emmerich hates U.S. landmarks.

The Nutshell

the thing about Roland Emmerich’s Godzilla. It’s not that good.
Speaking of not good, my 1998 review of the film:

film has been ripped apart by critics across the country, the unfortunate fact
since the film has a higher profile than God right now. Everything regarding
the film is magnified due to its "event" status, both the good stuff
and the bad stuff. I’ll take a different perspective, and keep it low key and


By Roland (Universal Soldier, Stargate, Independence Day) Emmerich.

Matthew "I’ve got no talent but get to sleep with Sarah Jessica
Parker" Broderick, Hank "I get to sleep with Helen Hunt and I have
talent" Azaria, Jean "I’m French, so I sleep with everyone"
Reno, Harry "Are we going to do Stonehenge tonight?" Shearer.

This film
has been heavily promoted since Princess Di was a tea drinker, and its ad
campaign about Size Mattering has helped keep Jeff Stryker in business.
Everyone has seen at least one Godzilla film, and they have accepted the poor
acting, dialogue, special effects, and production values. This film, while of a
huge budget, revels in its FX but I’ll be damned if the story isn’t the same
kind of tacky we’ve grown to accept. The plot is this: Nuclear tests cause side
effects and an iguana grows mighty! It goes to New York to do his deed. We fight him. The
door is left open for a sequel.

The Bad: Story is pretty lame, acting is
moderate at best, and the film is derivative of the Jurassic films with a
little bit of Gremlins in for extra measure.

The Good:
The FX are colossal. Godzilla as a creation and as a character is the most
three dimensional one in the film, funny considering he’s a series of pixels.

See it
because you have to, but don’t expect greatness, just enjoy the eye candy.

6.0 out
of 10

It’s a
miracle the site didn’t fold on the basis of that stellar bit of
non-criticiquedom. Godzilla was a big spiritual defeat for me even though I’m not
a spiritual guy though I plan to change that in the afterlife and will haunt the
nightmares of each and every one of you.

"Why are you shooting me, Jack? Wanna clear some hard drive space?"

To say I
was excited about Godzilla is like saying a virginal geek is excited when Natalie
Portman’s nipple is almost visible through her Coruscant negligee. It was THE
BIG ONE for me, possibly as important as the release of The Phantom Menace or possibly
2.0: Still Klutin’
. Huge. I have loved the Japanese Godzilla flicks since I flew out of my
father’s dick in the bum’s rush to find my first egg breakfast and the affair
intensified with each GIANT!!! MONSTER!!! BATTLE!!!. I had plenty of adoration for
the Dean Devlin/Roland Emmerich duo (Mr. Devlin has subsequently formed a
hard-on for myself and and has been a right prick to me in our
correspondence) so the project seemed like a win/win despite the presence of my
hated Matthew Broderick. Here’s why it turned out to not be a win/win at all:

playful nature of the Japanese Godzilla
films (aside from the sober and Burr-tastic original) is gone, replaced by easy
visual gags and very broad bits of comedy. Even though the Eastern films have a
weird balance of ultra serious bland human elements and over the top monster
action, they are fun and are aware their audience gets it. This film just replaces
the killer tidal wave, tornado, or sandstorm with a lizard and makes the
mistake of being a very corporate adventure film and a situation desperately craving something fresher.

A scant few seconds before Hank had his head all the way up Ashley Judd’s great ass.

In my
brilliant six year old review I mentioned that Godzilla was the best character
in the film and my former self was right in a sense. Contrary to public
opinion, I like the American design just fine. It’s pretty cool and that’s not
just because I chair the Jutting Chin
. It’s a cool design as long as you don’t drag your romanticized
idea of a bottom heavy Godzilla into the mix. If you think of it, the Japanese Godzilla is
built sort of like the proprietor of an Ebay Star Trek merchandise store, so a lithe and leaner reptile is fine
by me. Though the character has no real depth, the titular lizard is the most
interesting and likable one in the flick.

The Siskel
& Ebert running joke. When Jean Reno makes a private visit to an old
Japanese sailor in a hospital and the same scene is show as news footage a scene later. The
lack of human destruction (a staple of these flicks). Oddly cast roles. Kevin
Dunn as a military leader? Matthew Broderick as a lead? Maria Pitillo as a
person? 11 gigs of RAM as Godzilla? It just feels a little “off” and these are but a few of the myriad reasons.

Lee Iacocca never forgets.

resulting film has some nice eye candy and the most noble of intentions (I
think Devlin and Emmerich meant well but just lacked the grace to execute
material that needed a little nuance) but just is crushed under the weight of its
hype and the lingering scent of the nearly universally adored Jurassic Park.
It’s a misstep, a somewhat decent one at times but a misstep regardless.

It didn’t
rape my childhood, but it did beat off while having impure thoughts about my

The answer to the question What is the only thing that gives Dave Davis an erection faster than watching a game of hopscotch?

The Package

This is as subtle as flying into the sun to cure frostbite. King Kong (we weren’t sent a screener of that so you get this instead) hits home video, and here’s a "Monster Edition" hitting shelves with minimal new stuff (3 episodes from the cartoon and a collection of fight scenes from the Toho flicks) as well as some of the features from the original release. Want to see a video of The Wallflowers’ very worst song? Today is your lucky day!

This is a shameless release, still boasting at the bottom that SIZE DOES MATTER even though it really doesn’t (and after Elektra‘s SAIS DOES MATTER campaign you’d think they’s steer clear). It’s why Peter Dinklage gets acting jobs and Gheorghe Muresan doesn’t. Godzilla is a footnote to the 80’s and early 90’s blockbuster era, nowhere near the bomb and stinker people treat it as, but not a very good film either. It’s just there.

Now it’s just here in a new and unremarkable double dip.

5.5 out of 10