Hanks wasn’t satisfied with the massive whoring for Fed Ex that he did in Cast Away – the two time Oscar winner is now turning his attention to a movie so saturated in product placement it has the name of a major coffee chain in the title.

The movie is How Starbucks Saved My Life, and it would have Hanks starring as a hot shot business guy who loses his job and family and must take a job at the titular caffeine joint. He learns important lessons, by the way, possibly including that your value as a person isn’t dictated by your job or paycheck. Hanks will be acting this epiphany out in between visits to the bank to cash his 20 million dollar fee.

The film is based on a book PROPOSAL by a guy named Michael Gates Gill, who wrote a non-fiction book titled Fired Up! The Dramatic Truth of What It Really Takes to Move from Fearful Employee to Successful, Fired Up Entrepreneur. This is the kind of book that, when I see people reading it on the subway, I know they are deeply and truly unhappy and probably shouldn’t be riding the train but rather laying down in front of it.

The powers that be like to throw weirdness at us sometimes, though. Just when you thought this film was the ultimate bit of shitty corporate synergy, it’s announced that Gus Van Sant is in talks to direct. Huh? I interviewed Van Sant last year and I got the impression that he learned his lesson with Finding Forrester, aka You the Man Now Dog: The Motion Picture. I was hoping that his next film would be The Time Traveler’s Wife, but I guess his heating bill was pricier than expected this winter.