Once again, CHUD.com is running a live commentary during the Academy Awards ceremony, bringing you results, snarky comments and a nominal amount of insight, until either the show finally ends, the server croaks or I simply pass out from boredom. Save us, Jon Stewart! 

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Best Film: CRASH. Most shameful, dubious choice since Shakespeare in Love. I quit, see you at the Vanity Fair party.

Best Director: Ang Lee for BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. His name worked a lot better for Hulk. "Don’t make me gay cowboy. You wouldn’t like me when I’m gay cowboy." Just doesn’t flow.

Best Original Screenplay: CRASH. I can’t think of a less deserving, more derivative script. Not even Congo.

Best Adapted Screenplay: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. Best creepy screenwriter: Larry McMurtry.

Dustin Hoffman is off the reservation.

Best Actress: Reese Witherspoon for WALK THE LINE. See, ladies? You don’t need to "ugly up" to get a statue after all. Stay glamorous, girls! We prefer you with the kind of makeup that doesn’t involve nose putty.

Best Cinematography: MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA. What was with the voice of Elvis interrupting during the announcement?

Best Actor: Philip Seymour Hoffman for CAPOTE, even though he did most of his acting with his nostrils and occasionally slipped into his character from Boogie Nights. I honestly think there should be a separate category for original roles versus actors portraying real people. Best Adapted Human?

Best Editing: CRASH. People reading the countdown clock don’t realize they’re one out of 500,000,000 people who know what they’re talking about.

The In Memoriam Montage: a grim reminder of the people who you forgot or didn’t realize died in teh past year. Seems like half that list took the loss in the past few weeks. I guess Don Knotts and Darren McGavin don’t rate, though.

Best Sound Editing: KING KONG. If you spend $200+ million and can’t get nominated in the major awards, at least get some technical credit.

This show was in desperate need of pimpness.

Robert Altman gets the "Give It To Him Before He Dies" Award. He does deserve it, though. But then, so does Angus Scrimm.

Best Sound Mixing: KING KONG. Best ape impression of the night: the recipients.

Stewart’s comment on the montages was not only hilarious, but accurate. Has there ever been so much wanking by Hollywood during an award show?

If Salma wasn’t so caliente, her accent would surely drive me loco. Best Score: BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN. It’s muy manly!

Yithzak’s okay with the string thing, but his cousin Ron is the real talent.

Because when you think about complex and classic films involving social and historical issues, you think of Network, Silkwood, All the President’s Men, Schindler’s List and… The Day After Tomorrow.

Best Art Direction: MEMOIRS OF A GEISHA. The year’s best movie with multiple Asians and no Aslans.

That song from CRASH would’ve been so much better with a giant detonation at the end. Or at least one of those background players running around on fire. But that’s just the way I think.

Best Documentary: MARCH OF THE PENGUINS. And they brought actual dead penguins with them, how sweet!

Charlize is not unsexy, but she looks much better without one of the Boogens on her shoulder.

I’m glad Jon brought a little of the Daily Show with him. Just a little, but just enough.

Ah, Film Noir. Back when men were men and broads were dames.

Best Supporting Actress: Rachel Weisz for THE CONSTANT GARDENER. Haven’t seen it yet, but her pregboobs certainly deserve an award. At least a standing ovation.

Morgan Freeman is introduced as a friend of penguins? I suppose it’s better than fan of swallows.

Hey, we’re back! What’d we miss? Let’s see… Wilsons, costumes, Scientology jokes…

Best Animated Feature: WALLACE & GROMIT. The only worthy candidate, really. Spectacular ties, fellas.

Reese Witherspoon is currently 62% through her transformation into Joan Allen.

Best Visual Effects: KING KONG. And the only props Andy Serkis will probably get for the "lead".

That Hanks bit was pretty great. He needs to get hit with classical instruments more often. And judging by Stiller’s outfit, no one’s taking the Oscars too seriously this year.

Best Supporting Actor: George Clooney for SYRIANA. A bit surprising. At least I could figure out his speech more than the movie he won for. First of the Brokeback shutouts?

Nicole Kidman in: Becoming Renee Zellweger.

Bah, Westerns aren’t any more homoerotic than John Woo movies or weekends in San Francisco.

Nicholson deciding where to sit: Hmmm, how ’bout next to the hot skinny Brit babe.

He’s off to a good start. Nice to see Mel Gibson still has his sense of humor too. Batshit crazy or not.

That opening with the old film stars was kinda neat. The most coverage Donna Pescow has seen since Angie went off the air.

Here we go!