If you were to believe the advertising Lionsgate is selling regarding the upcoming thriller Abduction, the film is about a bland young man falling to his death from a skyscraper who is only mildly concerned about that fact.

Actually, that’s an amazing premise for this movie. Especially if Taylor Lautner were a Method actor.

In actuality the film is about a beefy youth who discovers he was abducted as a boy and has been a missing person all these years as he’s worked out and gotten haircuts and put on jeans. When people around him start getting deadened he takes matters into his own blands.

Then he hooks up with Sigourney Weaver while Alfred Molina chases him in helicopters. Jason Isaacs dies in the trailer. Maria Bello is also in the movie. These people all signed aboard a Taylor Lautner vehicle…

…directed by John Singleton.

Yes, THAT John Singleton.

The poster hit the world this week and most folks were too busy making soup to really talk much about it. Look at it up and to the right and scroll down to see what I believe it all means.


Exhibit A.

There’s a helicopter overhead. Having watched the trailer I know that there’s an Alfred Molina inside. I also know this isn’t one of the roles he went on an intense workout regimen for. But the helicopter is airborne so he’s not too hefty.

To the casual observer this is the Eye in the Sky signifying the deep message the film carries about privacy and the fine line between good and Orwellian evil.

To the Taylor Lautner fan this could mean that we can’t see the TMZ logo on the chopper but they’re circling for a nice shirtless photo op.

Exhibit B.

He’s concerned. You can tell by the way his mouth is open and nostrils are nostriling. This is serious. Like, X-Box Live is down on the day Gears of Wars 3 comes out serious.

No sex symbol has ever had a nose like that.

To the casual observer this is a young man of peace forced into action by a world he doesn’t belong.

To the Taylor Lautner fan he looks like he needs someone to come over to his house and cuddle with him, hoping he’ll take their prize away softly under the cool glow of the moon.

Exhibit C.

He is using the force of his force against the forces of gravity and the forces of building. He is sliding down a building like a champion building slider but the glass is coming undone with his force and it appears that if he somehow survives he’s going to have trouble lifting weights with his new bone hands.

To the casual observer this defies Newton’s Law as well as a few lesser known laws. Like Jude.

To the Taylor Lautner fan boot cut jeans were the perfect choice.

Exhibit D.

These are some angles we’re seeing here. It’s as if MC Escher and MC Gainey conspired to create a new reality.

To the casual observer those fuckers in Kuala Lumpur sure have outdone themselves architecturally.

To the Taylor Lautner fan a text message lured them away long ago. Hunter and Kennedy just pulled out in their new Nissan Cube!