I was thinking the other day, something I rarely do, about Harrison Ford’s downward trajectory into the abyss. It seemed like just last week he was befriending little Amish children, killing Terrorists with the flick of his wrist, and seducing Julia Ormand in a piss-poor Wilder remake. Above all, he was a man for his family even above his country. Especially if that meant destroying the immortal Gary Oldman in the process. We need this man back. Our country needs heroes again. So, without further hesitation, I think Mr. Ford said all that’s needed to be said in times like these.

Get off my plane!

fosters beer Bellowing a sturdy Fieldsian “not without my daughter!” is Jodie Foster, whose diminutive spawning has somehow done what Joel Schumacher has yet to figure out – the ability to vanish at a moment’s notice. Foster quickly finds herself searching every little nook and cranny in Flightplan (read Nick’s Vs. DVD review, then read Devin’s “stinky” review right here), probably because she designed the lumbering Hercules of the Air. Two floors. Massive amounts of Max Headroom. Sean Bean as your mile-high partner and stick controller (he’s the pilot, pervert). Flights don’t get as insanely interesting as that without a few drinks buried deep inside the tummy. Even that isn’t going to stop Fosters’ search that finds itself going up against the oncoming advances of one Air Marshall named Peter Sarsgaard and his quest to be as subtlety inconspicuous as possible. Still, the man behind the camera – Germany’s own Robert Schwentke (Tattoo) – has crafted a meticulously polished film that leaves no swooping-down-from-above camera movement uncovered. It’s just within the final “twist” of the film (one you can see coming 3,000 miles away) that everything starts going all sour. You’ll most likely want to be inebriated for this flight.

Have the only piece of evidence be vaporized – with: audio commentary with director Robert Schwentke, a big featurette named In Flight Movie: The Making of Flightplan (with these subfeatures – Captain’s Greeting – on meeting the director, Passenger Manifest – on casting the film, Connecting Flights – on post production, Emergency Landing – on visual effects, and Security Checkpoint – the story of how this first-class thriller came to be), and the featurette for Cabin Pressure, which recounts the massive undertaking of designing the film’s plane.

Repo!Alex Cox’s first film was, amazingly enough, the one-and-only Repo Man. I’ll be damned straight to the bowels of Thomas’ Crapper if the film doesn’t still pack a nifty punch right to your huevos before tickling your pene deformido faster than Harry Dean Stanton’s wonderful Bud can snort cocaine off a watch without a face. The plot, for those living in some sort of skewed universe, has Otto (Men At Work’s Emilio! Emilio!) finding himself under the auspices of Bud and their chosen profession – learning how to quit one another. The pair become quite the gruesome twosome, but it’s when they rip off the wrong man, J. Frank Parnell to be exact, that a $20,000 reward hits the shit-caked fan. It really means nothing in comparison to what’s inside of the trunk; more specifically what’s glowing inside of it (no, it’s not your festering virginity). Repo Man is still a rollicking good time through the aisles of post-pop-punk whateveryouwannacall it, kept fresh by the immortal air freshener of good times. It just so happens that a certain studio calling it a Collector’s Edition is a misnomer. I’d think of it as a barebones Standard Edition nowadays, and for that it’s a damn shame. I might have to go get Sushi with my disappointment and not pay.

Guns don’t mean shit to you, but watch yourself – with: audio commentary with Writer/Director Alex Cox, Executive Producer Michael Nesmith, Casting Director Victoria Thomas, Actors Sy Richardson, Zander Schloss and Del Zamora, the featurettes Repossessed and Up Close with Harry Dean Stanton, and the so-called Missing Scenes. Sadly, that’s it. Missed motherfuckin’ opportunities!

Da CrapThere are not many positive words one might associate with the recent remake of John Carpenter’s The Fog, although if I must I’d say it has Maggie Grace in it, which set some hearts on fire (and for others there’s the non-emoting Tom Welling, proving he should have stuck to modeling). Selma Blair even takes the Noxzema reigns from Adrienne Barbeau, leading a flurry of you to write nasty blogs right this moment, but the real travesty is using the English language to discuss what really shouldn’t be viewed unless you really have to (i.e. you’re three sheets to the wind or even when Dad and you need something to wash the Mexican donkey show out of your minds). If I must, let’s get down to basics. There’s an Island. A ship of Lepers 100 years ago landed. They were burned by the town’s inhabitants. Those ghosts of scallywags past have returned via The Fog. People die. Tom Welling blankly stares. You fall asleep, demand your money back, or slit your wrists into emo fury. There isn’t a single soul who actually enjoyed this movie, so let their pain be a lesson to you once you’ve got it in your hairy palms.

Somebody, please beam me out of here – with: 7 deleted scenes with optional Director’s (Rupert Wainwright – Stigmata) commentary and 3 featurettes (Feeling the Effects of the Fog, Seeing Through the Fog, and Whiteout Conditions: The Remake of a Horror Classic). Live and learn.

TwistyRoman Polanski goes to Dickensian town in Oliver Twist and everyone on the greedy Earth ignores him. While his later films haven’t been as proficiently probing to the deep dark sexual frustrations in sadistic humans past, Polanski has still been crafting some interesting films nonetheless (and one masterpiece about a Pianist). Taking on what had been created so magnificently by the master filmmaker David Lean over a half-century ago was a massive feat, but Polanski manages to give the audience some more, Sir, and wallop the classic story with a host of new feats (none involve Vanity Fair and libel, though). Subplots and some characters have been waylaid, but what Polanski and screenwriter Ronald Harwood have done is flesh out a carefully shaded performance from Ben Kingsley, playing the lightning-rod Fagin. Arguably one for those interested in watching something more than Steven Segal battling fluorescent brown Ninjas, Oliver Twist continues to prove he isn’t as extreme as the ! in Carol Reed’s all-singing, all-dancing version.

Pick-a-pocket or two – with: 2 featurettes (Twist by Polanski. The Director reflects on the making of the movie and The Best of Twist. An in-depth look at the film) and a fluff piece on the young stars as they discuss filming Oliver Twist.

Shocking!A gentleman of fine stature walks into an Agent’s office. The Dude has quite the family act for the inquisitive Tenpercentian, and begins to recount his story in graphically vivid (video) detail. Sparing no Lex Steele, the list of items the family is subjected to is nothing short of hilarious. The capper being that they’re called The Aristocrats (Devin’s chunks flew out of his system when writing this review). Since I’ve ruined whatever punchline you’d expect, it’s not exactly that. Within the horrifying middle is where the real crux of the joke lies, and the movie on which it’s based parades out a who’s who (minus Howie Mandell – just kidding!) in the comedy world for you to laugh and laugh and laugh until you’re bloodied, bruised, and in the ER waiting a transfusion with mere seconds to survive. Luckily, you’ll have seen some of the brightest and the best translations of the joke known to Man (or Bob Saget) and in the process learned how to construct your own slaying joke. All the way to the Reaper.

Your mother is a Golden Showers Queen – with: filmmaker audio commentary with Paul Provenza and Penn Jillette, a half hour featurette Behind The Green Room Door – Comics Tell Us Some of Their Other Favorite Jokes, Aristocrats do The Aristocrats – Montage Telling of the Joke, some additional footage with Whoopi Goldberg, Jason Alexander, Bob Saget, Sarah Silverman, Gilbert Gottfried, Lewis Black, Hank Azaria, and Billy the Mime, and "Be An Aristocrat" Contest Winners – 2 Amateur Aristocrat Jokes – One Live Action, One Animated.

suckin'I deeply wanted to enjoy Thumbsucker, but alas, it wasn’t meant to be. Even with Devin’s interview with Tilda Swinton here, his one-on-one with Thumbsucker Lou Pucci here, and queries to the director Mike Mills here, I could not find myself gravitating towards the strange tone of the film. Even with comments like Devin’s in September’s Prognosticator (“Kelli Garner is the source of my boner”) could not prepare me for the really humdrum way the events cohesively stuck together. That’s a downer because having Keanu Reeves as a truly inspired Hippie Orthodontist should have been – as George Tenet calls it – “a slam dunk”, but instead we get a good performance in a film that felt to me was a lot longer than it was. There are all these good moments – Vince Vaughn being weird, Garner being gorgeous, Benjamin’ Bratt being botox’ed, Pucci trying what my roommate calls “the good stuff” – but they just don’t gel cohesively. Are the parts greater than the sum? Not quite, but the sum surely ain’t as good as Body Parts.

Call on your power Animal – with: audio commentary with Mike Mills, a conversation with Mills and novelist Walter Kirn, a behind-the-scenes documentary, and a Director’s blog! Yes! Blogging w/ Polyphonic Spree power!

IndependentThe guys from Film Threat (i.e. Chris Gore) take on the Independent world in My Big Fat Independent Movie (CHUD’s DVD review is coming soon). As you’ve surely guessed, the film tackles the all-important lampooning of such gems like Clerks, Swingers, Magnolia, Pulp Fiction, Go, Amelie, El Mariachi, and any other film with a $1,000,000 marketing budget. You’ve got to connect with that wider audience if you want to bring home the Jacksons and the filmmakers here seemed to understand that. The plot cops liberally from the above referenced films, so without going into paragraphs of detail, I’m hoping you smarty pantses can figure it all out so I don’t have to bang out the details while swigging my fifth shot of the morning. Still, the guys at Threat are pretty good at what they do, and I wish them all the best with future endeavors. I hope that they’re not as ingenuously proficient as this film, but nonetheless, they’re still out there championing the little guy against the rather hulking corporations and their ‘smash job!’ techniques.

Lesbians: better than e-mail – with: audio commentary with Director Philip Zlotorynski and Writer/Producer Chris Gore, the Making-of the film, 7 collectible Post Cards, and the film’s theatrical trailer.

Virginz!Swedish titan Ingmar Bergman takes on the lighter side of life in The Virgin Spring. In 14th century Sweden, a Peasant Girl is maliciously raped and murdered by Swineherds (survey says – “one who tends to swine”) after her devilsh Half-Sister enacts a pagan curse. But soon, the Swineherds finds themselves at the mercy of the dead Girl’s parents, who exact a cunning and chilling comeuppance on the types of people who herd grisly meat. This is everything you’d expect from the Gentleman who had Max Von Sydow punch Death right in the face in The Seventh Seal. Wait, I meant life. Seriously – how old is that fine thespian? And more importantly, how good does he look? Bergman infuses all of his old hallmarks in telling his tale – from the simplistic pleasures of handing over blood-stained shirts to a Mother to the naturalistic ways to enact Pagan rituals. The Virgin Spring is nothing short of a master work, unless like Mr. Clarence Beaks, you’re not very particular to Bergman’s impure thoughts.

Saints will punish you with boils – with: a newly restored High-definition digital transfer, new-and-improved English subtitles, audio commentary by Ingmar Bergman scholar Birgitta Steene, new video interviews with actresses Gunnel Lindblom and Birgitta Pettersson, a new essay by film historian and Bergman scholar Peter Cowie, and the illustrious MORE!

As such, Death takes no Holiday, unless he’s smacking Brad Pitt with Taxis, engraining himself into Black & White film, and informing Blue Oyster Cult’s lyrics. So, like it, I too must not go half-assed into the night. This week also has these spectacular titles arriving – All Souls Day came out last week, but unfortunately, I plum forgot to cover it. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enter our CONTEST for it, which is coming sooner than you (or I) think.

All Souls DayVitalgreen day
Missing 2TexassN Word


Here’s your standard barrage of upcoming future titles.

Die Tryin?50 Cent is now officially an Actor, of sorts. He stumbles around and mumbles his lines (just like his lyrics – which are backed by surprisingly good beats) in Get Rich or Die Tryin’ (read Devin’s so-so review here). He’s like a block of hardness is a sea of foamy actors (including the ever-growing Terrence Howard and Bill Duke), carved out in the finest wooden faces you’d imagine. And, as Devin mentions, “it might be the film’s fatal flaw”, it’s probably the combination of logistical and narrative lapses of judgment that keep chipping away at the film until you’re reduced to checking your watch. This was a prestige project all the way, like 8 Mile the producers hired someone not known for his hard-hitting Gangsta style (that’d be Jim Sheridan, director of In America/My Left Foot). So if you’ll excuse me I’ll wonder why it didn’t quite turn out to be the massive erection for the MTV crowd is was almost destined to be. I think it boils down to 50’s acting style. He has charisma, but he’s not quite the force of protégé Eminem. He’s not within the breaking down of generational barriers. Grandmothers and Grandfathers taking a break from Bob Evans are not going to rush out to see him recount his life and get shot 9 times. Still, those wondering if he could pull off sustaining a feature-length film most likely will want to check it out on 3.28.06, even if they’re busy with their Magic Sticks in the meantime.

All Special Features are currently TBA.

Squid and da whale Noah Baumbach’s The Squid and the Whale (out on 3.21.06) was another one of those movies that eluded me during its initial theatrical run (I only have so much time for ritualistic sacrifice, baby killing, and destroying elderly people AND watching movies on top of that). It did show up on a lot of critical top 15 lists, including Devin’s own – who named it the best film of 2005. The plot, which has a recent divorce of Laura Linney and Jeff Daniels wrecking havoc on their two children is rife with enough observances of how people really act, how they interact with one another, and how they dispose of those pesky awkward situations with even more awkwardness. Taking a page from the Woody Allen school of intellectual New Yorkers and their emotional problems, Baumbach, as I’ve heard, infuses everything with a unique sensibility that doesn’t wrap anything up in a nice bow. There are thousands of reasons not to see this movie, but in reality, I think it sounds quite spectacular and a welcome break from your tentacle probing fetish.

Joint Custody Blows – with: audio commentary with Baumbach, a behind-the-scenes featurette and a conversation with director Noah Baumbach and Philip Lopate.

StayA movie written by the great David Benioff (who wrote the masterful 25th Hour), directed by Marc Forester (the hokey Finding Neverland), and starring Ewan McGregor and Naomi Watts sounds like something we should all be tuning into. However, word wasn’t the case for Stay (out on 3.28.06), whose competent script I read a while back and then watched as audiences proceeded to turn away in droves. I wonder why. I’m still more than jazzed to check out the flick, which has Ewan McGregor as a psychologist investigating why The Notebook/Rachel McAdams slayer Ryan Gosling is particularly interested in committing suicide on a particular date and time. Maybe it has something to do about that place between life and death? Shrug? New Yorkers will be curious to know this was the film they shut down the Brooklyn Bridge for those many moons ago, so now you might channel your road anger into more creative endeavors. As I continue, and unless anyone tells me otherwise, I’m going into this movie blindly. If things go well, I might come out afflicted, but hopefully not without James Coburn following me.

Hey man, nice shot – with: (on the WIDESCREEN side) audio commentary with Marc Forster and Ryan Gosling, audio commentary with Marc Forster, Matt Chesse, Kevin Tod Haug and Roberto Schaefer, 2 featurettes (Departing Visions and The Music of Stay), and on the FULLSCREEN side (weird!) – the theatrical trailer.

FirecrackerNext up is a trio of oddly coupled-together films, the first being one Roger Ebert called “Hitchcockian." That would be for the Kansas murder-mystery Firecracker, which has been getting some insanely excellent buzz around it since hitting the film festival circuit. It streets on 5.23.06, a ways away, but I’m sure I’ll be covering it some more since then once someone (or some Publicist) clues me into more. It sounds pretty damn cool!
House of 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 YOUNext up is the Dennis Hopper psychological thriller House of 9 (CHUD’s DVD review – coming soon), which has 9 people waking up in a house with no exits and only their wits (and Mindhunter knowledge) to save them from impending doom. Last man standing (who’s not Bruce Willis) receives $5 Million in cash, and every man, woman, and Minotaur are out for themselves.Axe Allegedly, this leads to a shocking conclusion, to fire up your thinking brains on Valentine’s Day 2006.

Finally, there’s Axe. Join Mallrats‘ Jason London and a bevy of beauties, as the females have stolen a satchel of cash from a cadre of Motorcycle heavies, hell-bent of reclaiming their worth. Further complicating things is the arrival of an axe-wielding Serial Killer, who’s also hot on their tattoo-above buttocks tails (bullseye!). Who will survive? Who gets naked? Will there be caressing of naked axes? On 2.28.06, we’ll finally know.

Region Free Love

Kiss Kiss, sucka!In what could surely be a good sign for US fans, the UK quadrant of the globe is getting Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang on 3.13.06, which usually means we’re getting it soon after (damn you, Englishmen). Shane Black’s triumphant return to the screen was the subject of our own Russ Fischer’s passionate tirade against not viewing it in theatres (click here) and one of Devin’s most gushing reviews here. Black’s ode the types of hard-boiled crime thrillers that have Robert Downey Jr. peeing on dead people and Val Kilmer showing his strength in arguably his best performance (since that drunken talk he gave at NYU for The Salton Sea), have all the right ingredients for a cross-generational explosion of goodness. We here at CHUD shouldn’t have to tell you that, although here’s hoping that the droves who skipped out on going to theatres last year discover how truly wrong they were.

Because you were.

Captain fucking Magic – with: TBA!

Universal has sneakily snuck right by our Region 1 noses and will see the UK releases of The Incredible Shrinking Man, It Came From Outer Space, and Tarantula on 2.06.06 (or 6.2.06 for those overseas). All the titles from famed science fiction filmmaker Jack Arnold are most notable for informing a variety of special-effects filmmakers today (especially Spielberg, Cameron, Scott, and Lucas – most talked of all on the recent Watch the Skies! documentary on TMC). Arnold’s tales are chockfull of adventures tales (Shrinking Man fights a gigantic Black Widow, authorities battle a mutated Tarantula, and Ray Bradbury gets the cleft-chinned 50’s treatment!) that shouldn’t have to be fully explained. They’re all worthwhile, and a precursor to the big-budget films you scarf down today. I highly recommended each and every one of these cinematic treats and cross my fingers Universal releases them here in the states right quick. Apologies for the small Cover Art – it was all I was able to scour up.

Missing In Action 4

of War
(CHUD’s DVD review will arrive soon), Two for the Money, The
(CHUD’s DVD review is forthcoming), Junebug, Asylum,
(Ian’s DVD Rack), The
, Lois & Clark: Season Two (David’s DVD review),
The Smartest Guys in the Room
, Puppetmaster Vs. Demonic Toys, Underclassman,

Howser: Season Three, Wild Hearts Can’t Be Broken, Dead
Poets Society: SE
(Ian’s DVD review),
Morning Vietnam: SE
, My Dog The Thief, Adventures
of Superman: Season Two
, Sueno, Take a hard ride, Old
Grey Whistle Test: Vol. 2
, Eraserhead, and the Short
films of David Lynch
. Read last weeks’ Special Edition here.

, Hustle & Flow, Transporter 2, Red Eye (read Nick’s
versus against
Flightplan here
Seven: Collector’s Edition
, The Flash – Complete Series, Underworld:
Extended Cut
, Bad Sleep Well: Criterion, Sam
Peckinpah Legendary Westerns
(read Russ’ reviews of Ride
the High Country
, The Wild Bunch: SE,
of Cable Hogue
, and Pat
Garret and Billy The Kid: SE

his comments here), Saraband,
(CHUD’s DVD review is forthcoming), Ferris Bueller: SE, Island
in the Sun
, Cabin in the Sky (Eileen’s DVD Rack),
(Eileen’s DVD Rack),
Unmarried Woman
, Return of the Pink Panther (CHUD’s
DVD review is coming!
), Chan is Missing, Rebus
and How
to make a Monster/Blood of Dracula
. Read the old Special Edition right here, and don’t forget to
comment on it.

DVD Reviews Forum
General DVD Discussion Forum

Shop Smart

I’ve been trying to somehow equate some text in Pirate lingo, but failure has been met at all inroads. Instead, enjoy your weekly assault and battery of deals and steals. Frankly, I hope you’ll be taken advantage of.

Browse the multi-region DVD retailers!
xploitedcinema.com, HkFlix.com, diabolikdvd.com, DDDHouse, and YesAsia.com

Additionally, you’ll probably want to check out THIS MESSAGE BOARD THREAD for other Region Free DVD options as well.

Flightplan is $21.59
The Fog 2005 is $21.54
Repo Man: CE is $14.23
Oliver Twist is $21.58
Aristocrats is $17.34
All Souls Day is $12.14
Vital is $17.96
Thumbsucker is $20.64
My Big Fat Independent Movie is $12.14
Live Freaky! Die Freaky! is $16.61
Virgin Spring: Criterion is $27.89
Exonerated is $12.98
EVERY Criterion is STILL 40% OFF (click here)
Buy 2 Get 1 Free on Selected Universal titles (click here)

EVERY Criterion is STILL 40% OFF (click here)

And where is Wal*Mart? Read this.

Flightplan is $16.99
The Fog 2005 is $16.99
Repo Man: CE is $13.99
Oliver Twist is $16.99
Aristocrats is $20.99
All Souls Day is $17.99
Vital is $18.74
Thumbsucker is $16.18
My Big Fat Independent Movie is $14.99
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Live Freaky! Die Freaky! is $20.99
Virgin Spring: Criterion is $39.95

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All Souls Day is $15.99
Vital is $19.99
Thumbsucker is $19.99
Dallas: Season Four is $27.99
My Big Fat Independent Movie is $15.99
Live Freaky! Die Freaky! is $19.99
Virgin Spring: Criterion is $34.99
Batman Begins (non SE) is $14.99
Exorcism of Emily Rose is $14.99
2/$15 SALE for: Bulletproof Monk, Out of Time, National Lampoon’s Dorm Daze, National
Lampoon’s Gold Diggers, The Mothman Prophecy, Stir Crazy, Higher Learning,
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Waltz, Barbershop 2, Showgirls
and Kingpin

3/$30 SALE involving: Unleashed: Unrated, Kicking and Screaming,
Scarface, The Interpreter, King Arthur Extended Director’s Cut, The Warriors

Ultimate Director’s Cut, Office Space, Hidalgo, Finding Neverland, The
Godfather, The Godfather Part 2, The Godfather Part 3, The Ring Two, Land of
the Dead, Underworld: Unrated Extended, Beauty Shop, Jaws, Gladiator, Carlito’s
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and American Psycho note ALL MUST BE

Best Buy.com:
Flightplan is $16.99
Contact, Maverick, Taxi Driver, and Silence of the Lambs are $7.99/EACH
The Fog 2005 is $16.99
Repo Man: CE is $14.99
Oliver Twist is $19.99
Aristocrats is $19.99
All Souls Day is $14.99
Vital is $19.99
Thumbsucker is $19.99
My Big Fat Independent Movie is $14.99
Live Freaky! Die Freaky! is $24.99
Virgin Spring: Criterion is $34.99
Big Bad Mama is $11.99
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (non SE) is $16.99
Get 15,000 RZ points when your purchase selected TV on DVD sets (click here)

Oh yes, there will be Cover Art. Someday.

Dinosaurs: Seasons 1 + 2 on 5.02.06
Delicatessen (US) on 5.02.06
Devin’s most-hated Bee Season on 4.04.06

Peter Jackson’s King Kong

Rumored to arrive in the US at the end of March/beginning of April, 2006.

You wanna know what I’m thinkin’?

SevenMenFromWhen?If you do, drop me a well-appreciated e-mail. Any words of yours are greatly appreciated (haxorz speak included), including those with fire and brimstone. Tell it on the mountain, if you will, even without the large rock formations. I don’t care. Just tell me.


As always, a gigantic bear hug of thanks for reading this before we both awkwardly wave goodbye and agree to meet next week. See you then?