The Sci-Fight was part of a subsection of CHUD way back in the day (around five years ago), when the site’s readership was barely a decimal point of what it’s become.  So I figured that when movie-related news is slow, I’ll share a little chunk of history for those who haven’t been with us for half a decade (witness previous battles HERE and HERE). Enjoy!

Kurt Russell has played some real rogues in his day. Grizzled arctic pilot MacReady in The Thing. Gruff lawman Wyatt Earp in Tombstone. The smartass half of Tango & Cash. The King himself, Elvis Presley. Captain Ron… ok, maybe not Captain Ron.

His most memorable tough guys are buffoonish truck driver Jack Burton of Big Trouble in Little China, and Snake Plissken, the surly monocular merc of Escape from New York. But how would these two John Carpenter antiheroes measure up if pitted against one another?

Let’s find out…

Enter the maximum security penitentiary of Manhattan and rescue the President Enter the underworld of San Francisco’s Chinatown and rescue two green-eyed babes

Sure, the world will end if Snake doesn’t get the President to a summit meeting on time. But Jack gets to save babes.

EDGE: Jack

Modified Ingram Mac-10, .357 Magnums, throwing stars, various other items  TEC-9 machinepistol, boot knife

Snake packs enough firepower to lay waste to an army. Or at least the deadbeats sent to Manhattan for life.

EDGE: Snake

Surprisingly good shot, despite lack of depth perception Couldn’t hit a corpse in a graveyard

When not mowing down his enemies, Snake uses his submachinegun to make his own exits. Jack can’t find the safety on his gun.

EDGE: Snake

Cabbie, a fat sycophant who drives a beat up taxi Wang, a diminutive Chinese-American with mad martial arts skills

Cabbie sucks up, complains a lot, and runs away at the first sign of trouble. Wang runs up walls, flies through the air and kicks people’s asses.

EDGE: Jack

The Duke of New York, a big pimp-looking sumbitch who rules the city streets David Lo Pan, a 7-foot-tall ancient magician who shoots light from his mouth

Isaac Hayes. Period. 

EDGE: Snake

Other Allies
Brain and his "squeeze" The Chang Sing (a platoon of martial arts experts), and Egg Shen (a curmudgeonly old wizard)

Smarty-pants Brain claims to know the layout of a minefield, then promptly blows his own buttocks to smithereens. Egg Shen has a Six-Daemon Bag.

EDGE: Jack

Other Obstacles
The Crazies (sewer dwellers who eat human flesh), a big bald wrestler guy, and dozens of grimy, violent prisoners The Wing Kong (a horde of red-turbaned kung-fu dudes), The "Three Storms" (a trio of supernatural thugs), The Lords of Death (a Chinese street gang), and various demons, monsters, and floating eyeball heads

Jack definitely has his work cut out for him, sure, but Snake has to face… (wait for it…) cannibalistic humanoid underground dwellers.

EDGE: Snake

The "Gull Flyer", a silent insertion aircraft The "Pork Chop Express", a semi rig with a silhouette of a naked babe on the grill

Snake is an ace at the yoke of his whisper-quiet glider, but Jack drives a truck that hits "6.5 on the Richter Scale".

EDGE: Jack

Tank Top
Basic black Buddha, snake and red sun design

Black goes with everything.

EDGE: Snake

"I AM dead." "I’m a reasonable guy, but I’ve just experienced some very unreasonable things."

Jack does a good job of keeping it together (or at least the illusion of such), but when people tell Snake they heard he was dead, he makes his point with such conviction that no one would argue.

EDGE: Snake

Embarrassing Moment
Gets his ass saved by Donald Pleasance Confronts nemesis with fresh lipstick on his face

Snake gets his fat pulled outta the fire by a fat, bald President. Jack gets a big smooch before he faces his arch enemy.

EDGE: Jack

Winner: A very close contest, but Snake wins mostly by exuding sheer coolness.