STUDIO: Warner Bros.
MSRP: $19.97
RUNNING TIME: 107 min.
Deleted scenes

Given the success of all the recent film versions of TV series, a Dukes of Hazzard movie was unavoidable. But the show somehow ran for six seasons — how could a mere feature-length movie manage to convey the endless intricacies of moonshine-loving hick cousins?

The Flick

If memory serves, the series prominently featured an inept sheriff department, a white suit wearing villain, ferocious car chases, a preposterously hot chick with influential ass-fashion, a mechanic named Cooter, and a pair of hillbilly cousins peeling around in an orange Charger shooting things with dynamite arrows. Fans of the show will no doubt be thrilled to learn that the movie pretty much covers all the necessary bases, and though it doesn’t really matter, there’s almost a plot as well.

Bo and Luke Duke (Seann William Scott and Johnny Knoxville, respectively, I think) are delivery boys in the hooch distribution business, using their infamous automobile the General Lee to outrun the law, after which they smash the hell out patrons at the nearby restaurant where their unreasonably sexy cousin Daisy (Jessica Simpson) waits tables and speaks with a crappy Southern accent. A former local hero returns to town to challenge Bo in the annual off-road race, while town creep Boss Hogg (Burt Reynolds) is framing citizens and stealing their land. Them Duke boys then travel to Atlanta and recruit delectable college chicks to investigate the matter, and then drive really fast and crash cars and save the day.

Hey, did you know Jessica Simpson’s ass is in this movie? But wait, that’s not all…

Dukes of Hazzard would be insulting were there actually a precedent for quality, but even subterranean expectations don’t help matters — basically you get exactly what was provided on the TV series, only far dumber and louder (and with questionable soundtrack choices – I understand the urge to use songs with driving guitar riffs, but putting “Mississippi Queen” in a movie set in Georgia makes about as much sense as playing “If You Want Blood You Got It” during a police pursuit). The screenplay is credited to John O’Brien, who handled writing duties on Starsky & Hutch to similarly tragic effect, though director Jay Chandrasekhar surely enlisted the rest of his Broken Lizard cohorts (they all pop up in the film) for script input. And yet somehow they produce nary a single amusing situation or line of dialogue.

The extent of characterization is that Luke is a ladies man, while Bo just wants to fuck his car (and I seriously wish I meant that figuratively). Daisy occasionally removes articles of clothing, which is apparently central to the indistinct plot, or at least reminds male viewers to remain conscious. Willie Nelson purportedly plays Uncle Jesse, although all he really does is stand around telling horribly unfunny jokes – I’m not even entirely certain he’s aware that he’s playing a character in a movie. Surprisingly the movie doesn’t have a single clumsily incorporated cameo by the original cast (not even Coy and Vance!), but it does arbitrarily feature Wonder Woman Lynda Carter and a completely superfluous Super Troopers homage, which only the readership of CHUD and about 142 other people will actually get. At least this unrated version of the movie has the decency to also include a few hot naked girls.

…It turns out the rest of her is here too! Outstanding!

Unfortunately steering clear of Spoof County, Chandrasekhater barrels straight down the nondescript action-comedy route, content to offer up the checklist of essential idiotic ingredients while supplying little else of entertainment value. There are a number of respectable old-fashioned vehicle stunts through the film, but ultimately they only illustrate that the General Lee is far more interesting than any of the actual humans in the movie (aside from Simpson’s flawless chassis, which is enough to fluster even Joe Don Baker).

Bereft of anything approaching humor or logic, Dukes of Hazzard is a movie where Jessica Simpson appears to be the most intelligent person on the screen, a movie where the vast majority of laughs are provided by the bloopers that play during the very welcome end credits. In fact, a bar fight scene where the abrasive Seann William Scott wears a special needs helmet and head butts everybody is a suitable analogy for the film itself.

4.0 out of 10

Hey, the Xbox 360 version of Hogan’s Alley is pretty good!

The Look

The General Lee has never looked more Hemi-orange. The anamorphic transfer is in 2.35:1, more than wide enough to capture a perfect representation of all the new versions of old faces, including the most recent alteration of Burt Reynolds’ spooky visage. Warner Bros. has been doing this DVD thing since before some of our readers were even born, so they ought to have a handle on it by now, I reckon.

9.0 out of 10

The Noise

You’ll finally get your chance to hear the General Lee’s meaty motor, Molly Hatchet and endless yelps of “Yee haw!” in everclear Dolby 5.1 audio. Hell, even Simpson’s tits sound sensational.

8.5 out of 10

"I may not recognize my own kisser anymore, but at least I look better than Jack Palance!"

The Goodies

The special features appear abundant at first glance, but are actually pretty insubstantial (though people who like cars and buttocks should be satisfied). Two of them (additional scenes and gag reels) come in different versions, PG-13 and unrated, but since this is the unrated DVD I honestly have no idea why they weren’t just each edited into single unrated versions. A couple of the outtakes are actually funny, which is unexpected after enduring the laughless misery of the film itself, and the unrated deleted scenes are worth checking out for the Duke boys visiting a roomful of inexplicably nude co-eds smoking bongs and doing body painting.

A meager four-and-a-half minutes are dedicated to Jessica Simpson’s remarkable ass (“It took a lot of squats, a-hyuck!”) and creating her cheeky pants, while also included is the music video for her cover of “These Boots Were Made For Walkin’” directed by Brett Ratner (!!), and although I don’t know what wearing a miniscule bikini and washing the General Lee has to Nancy Sinatra’s tune, I really wish she did it for the whole four minutes and not just my the climax ending.

Besides a standard behind-the-scenes bit, the main featurettes focus on the legendary General Lee and the stunts performed in the film. Director Chandrasekhar states that it’s "all about the car", which is the most truthful thing that can be said about the movie, Rosco.

5.0 out of 10

The Artwork

Cleavage and legs. The other star with a great body is stuck in the background in favor of putting the two guys up front.

7.0 out of 10

Overall: 4.5 out of 10

"See you in the sequel, suckers!"