This is my last letters column for a long time, if not for good. Thanks for your support in the past. If I revive it, it’ll be in a time where this is a haven for fun discussion and not uninformed hate. Which means probably never. That whole “few rotten apples spoiling it for the bunch” certainly applies.
And now, your letters…
You have $10,000 to bet on a roulette wheel on a single bet. Red or black and why?
(I know my answer has to do with a famous Wesley Snipes quote)
Nick’s Reply: Well, it depends. Whichever color “21” is on that board. Sometimes it’s red and others it’s black. But that’s my gauge. I love roulette to death and have had decent luck with it. But it all depends on which color my number is. Also, Passenger 57 is balls.
Joe Lavers Asks:
Would you ever do a CHUD List book? I would buy it in a heartbeat.
Nick’s Reply: I think that opportunity came and went. A CHUD book. It’s certainly be fun but books are so much work for so little reward, at least in my case.
Realistically, what do you see Jason Heyward’s ceiling as a baseball player being?
Nick’s Reply: He has a really high ceiling due to his amazing gifts and if he can stay healthy and get a little better at reading fly balls and in protecting the outside of the plate he’ll be a top twenty player. That said, I get real tired of seeing him hit hard grounders to second. I think he’s great and very marketable but nowhere near an elite player just yet.
How does the Turner Field experience match up with other major league ballparks you’ve attended?
Nick’s Reply: I love the park and sadly I haven’t been to many current parks. I love Petco. I like the Astros’ park. I’m dying to see the one in San Francisco. I haven’t been to the new Yankee Stadium. But Turner Field is a nice place to see a game.
Best non-Gladiator Russell Crowe performance?
Nick’s Reply: Including Gladiator, The Insider.
Could you name five comedies of the last ten years that have the staying power of Anchorman?
Nick’s Reply: No I cannot. That is a really special flick. I think In the Loop will endure. I think Super Troopers will. I think The 40 Year-Old Virgin will. None other immediately come to mind, but Anchorman has something very special. It’s a movie that keeps on giving.
Chris Pine impressed as young Captain Kirk. Where do you see him in five years?
Nick’s Reply: If he’s lucky, playing Kirk. I don’t see a lot of longevity there though I do like him.
How do you like your steak, and where’s the best steak you’ve ever gotten?
Nick’s Reply: Best steak ever was at a place called Vida in Burbank, CA. It’s gone now but it was a place the deceased Bill Bowen took a bunch of Chewers for our little “CHUDWest” thing. Or it may have been Jason Pollock, Mike Arsenault, and I when we were trying to help him launch a site. Either way, I can still taste it. I tend to be a fan of medium cooked steaks with little to no stuff done to it. That said, I have no qualms with Longhorn’s Renegade, their low cost steak with the “prairie dust” sprinkled on it.
Kevin Macken Asks:
Regarding the upcoming film adaptation of The Stand-
Let’s say for arguments sake it’s going to be a 2 part film, a studio exec asks you to end the story without the book’s massively disappointing ending, what would you say?
Nick’s Reply: I’d be up for it. It may be my favorite book growing up but it’s not without flaws and King has a knack for fucking up at the end. I’m not against improving the end. Look what Darabont did with The Mist.
Following the success of Game of Thrones, what sprawling fantasy series should be next for TV adaptation?
Nick’s Reply: None please. That’s how genres get into trouble. Remember what we had to endure after Harry Potter and The Lord of the Rings hit?
Lennon/McCartney or Harrison?
Nick’s Reply: Lennon/McCartney.
Did you get your taxes done on time?
Nick’s Reply: We filed an extension.
What’s the deal with mustaches?
Nick’s Reply: They’re ok. I think they look great on some folks. I think there are way too many hipsters sporting them, but what better way to conceal a cleft palate?
I maintain a select shelf of Laserdiscs. What obsolete technologies do you support?
Nick’s Reply: Adobe Audition. Sega Game Gear. Optimism.
Marvel has been on a character high for a while, but DC only has Supes, Batman, and maybe Wonder Woman. What DC characters could make an Iron Man or Thor or Captain America?
Nick’s Reply: Green Lantern looks to be doing that, but I’m of the belief that DC has much inferior product. I think it’s taken the work of brilliant writers to make magic with DC characters where Marvel’s stuff works on a superficial level that allows them to work even with sorta trite or overly jingoistic setups.
High Speed Rail in the South. If they ran trains from Atlanta to Chicago and Atlanta to Miami or Atlanta to New Orleans would you support them?
Nick’s Reply: Absolutely. I love trains and I love some of the high speed ones they’re talking about. The new Popular Mechanics I believe has an amazing article on it. My favorite way to travel on land is on a train with your own little room.
In your Game of Thrones review, you said you had only read the first book. I have not read them, as sword and board multi volume sets either bore me with too much ‘and thus we walked…and we walked.’ or make me wait forever to see an end. Should I pick up the first book of Song of Ice and Fire?
Nick’s Reply: I think so. And remember, I’m the guy who remembers NOTHING. Don’t go by my word! Funnily enough about five years ago when we were working on MEG (R.I.P.) I put a list together for the screenwriter of projects we should pursue. 90% of them, including this, were on there and are now a part of reality that he didn’t take advantage of.
Ice Cube has sold out and did it poorly. What type of movie could put him back on top, Friday style?
Nick’s Reply: I don’t want him back!
Some future time, some future place, you have EGOT’d and joined the ranks of John Gielgud, Helen Hayes, Audrey Hepburn, Rita Moreno, Whoopi Goldberg, Tracy Jordan; composers Marvin Hamlisch, Richard Rodgers, and Jonathan Tunick; and directors Mel Brooks and Mike Nichols. For what productions did you receive your Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, and Tony?
Nick’s Reply: Emmy for the show we’re working on now (and if the director signs we’ll be cooking!), Grammy for a soundtrack because no one likes my personal bands, Oscar for Simple Machines if Troy Nixey ever gets to make it, and the Tony for my one man play: “Godzilla vs. Christ”.
How does a guy who eats out at restaurants every day of his life not have the money to pay his writers?
Nick’s Reply: CHUD’s writers are paid from CHUD’s income. Not my pocket. All of that changed a couple of years ago. The site is a business and it pays whom it’s able to out of revenue. I have a salary that is fixed just like all others and how I use the money I get is really of no concern. It’s certainly not CHUD money, nor does CHUD=ME. They aren’t MY writers, they’re the site’s writers and for over a decade I took everything on my back for the site. In fact, the two biggest decisions involving the site were made not for me but in order to pay staff. So, sorry buddy… bark up another tree. My little frivolities (and since I stopped buying cigars, DVD’s, and video games a cheaper frivolity) are safely within the limitations of my personal income and (sadly) credit cards. Also, your hard-on for me is nearing sexual stalker levels. Might want to have that looked at Mr. Slack.
Rene (Mr. Eko) Asks:
1. I love the Friday Wrap Ups, will they continue for many more fridays to come?
Nick’s Reply: If the interest and viewership continues. They’re a bit time consuming but we’re trying our damndest to provide a variety of entertainment and I think they’re a lot of fun.
2. Why did you decide to shift to a goatee?
Nick’s Reply: My shit grows so fast I can be a different sleazy looking person every couple of weeks. The impetus for that one was a matter of the big patch of gray hair on my cheek. It looks weird when it grows out because it’s a concentrated area. I don’t like goatees. At all. But I also don’t like a bare face, so it was a test. Lately I’m figuring I’m going to just use my head as a palette for mistakes.
3. Did Steve get mad at your explanation of procreation at the beginning of the latest CHUDshow Videocast?
Nick’s Reply: Steve knows me very well and no. I actually introduced (and egged on) he and his now wife so there’s no one who is more happy for them, in their corner, and understanding of the happy home they’re building. But, for some reason when a camera or mic comes on I feel compelled to heighten the “me” that the public gets to see.
4. Where does Chinese food rank in your choice of foods?
Nick’s Reply: I dig it but I have a very limited, almost child-like group of entrees I pick from. I don’t like mushrooms. I don’t like sweet and sour. I’m a picky asshole. That said, what I do order I am in love with. It’s probably my third favorite ethnic food.
5. Is there a particular director you’d like to see us do a retrospective on in The B-Movie Column?
Nick’s Reply: Albert Pyun. Every time.
6. What are your thoughts on Danny McBride?
Nick’s Reply: One note but very good at that one note.
7. What’s your take on Troma and the films they make?
Nick’s Reply: I don’t much care for them anymore and I think when I did it was for the wrong reasons.
8. Do you ever buy any of those big packs of movies like “32 Drive In Classics Collection”?
Nick’s Reply: I used to, but I’ve cut back and sadly when I have any discretionary time to watch something I have to be pretty sure it’s as close to a lock as possible.
9. Did you ever think Duke Nuke ‘Em Forever was going to actually be released?
Nick’s Reply: I did.
10. Is it just me, or do Chelcie Ross and Sam Neill look very similar?
Nick’s Reply: Chelcie Ross is the dark underbelly version of Sam Neill.
Randolph Carter Asks:
Will we ever see Chud feature comics again?
I wanna see the return of Ron.
Nick’s Reply: They’re back now and RON is being re-RON. I have an artist tapped for future RON stuff but that’s only going to happen in a future where CHUD grows and is allowed to continue for the long term.
Who is Uncle Mitch, is he based on one of your relatives?
Nick’s Reply: One of my childhood friends (whom i still am friends with) has an Uncle Mitch and he was my buddy’s favorite person and was always excited to hang out with his Uncle Mitch. I thought Mitch was a hilarious name and presto!
Why no mentions of Alex and Eileen leaving on the front page?
Nick’s Reply: Eileen never left. It was a total misunderstanding. So, nothing to mention there. The Alex situation started innocuously and went supernova and I never thought it’d get that way. I did a treat thanking him for his years of great work and he immediately pounced on it and it became ugly on Twitter. The decision became moot at that point. Things certainly wound up not the way I’d hoped. That said, I didn’t want him to leave in the first place. The site just had to trim. Despite all the bad stuff that went public, I want Alex to return at some point and would welcome him with open arms. I think a lot of the internet “hate” and stuff is very wisp-thin. I am a very forgiving guy and though many of the folks I’ve patched things up with have stabbed me in the back, front, and top… I don’t think Alex is the sort. But Alex was a great part of the site, despite the shit that got ugly between us.
Someone had asked you a question awhile back about “fuck” making its way to regular broadcast and your response was something along the lines of “We don’t need it.” Not that I necessarily disagree with you, but would you expound on that a bit?
Nick’s Reply: It’s too easy. I think SOME rules need to be in place so creators can be creative. FX is a good example of a place where you can live between worlds and still deliver a competent and mature product. I mean, Showtime and HBO and the like get all the options but the word “fuck” has lost so much of its impact I think it being off the table a while helps.
With the recent departures of certain beloved staff members, what is the state of CHUD at this time?
Nick’s Reply: CHUD is hurting. We’re not making the revenue to support the staff we had, our community needs to be stimulated, and the readers really need to help us by using their social media contacts to send folks our way. We’re hurting. You can assign blame wherever you’d like but the site has been consistently updating with good content, showcasing a staff of talented and opinionated folks, and not changed really all that much over the years. The market’s tough. Change is tough. The redesign didn’t go off like gangbusters. All that is true, but we’re still CHUD and in the ebb and flow of the site’s life now’s one of those gut check periods.
Dan Blinder Asks:
The Curse of Princess Kate on Chud. Do you believe?
Nick’s Reply: I do not. She’s over at GUY.com now posting and commenting and I still think she’s not anything people should hate or assign any malice to.
Cylon Baby asks:
With all the “Old Guard” writers departing, will we soon see regular columns by Paul McCartney, Princess Kate and Duke Fleed?
Nick’s Reply: No, but Fleed has a presence on our delightful B-Movie column and thread.
Hi Nick Nunziata these are some questions for you to answer in your column YOUR QUESTIONS FOR NICK NUNZIATA, 2009-2011:
1. Where did everybody go?
Nick’s Reply: Everybody? I still see a lot of great longtime folks still around. If by ‘everybody’ you mean the kind of folks who associate with you… then they went to a place they better belong. And more power to them.
2. Is Batman real or not? What do you think? I vote real, but everyone else says no, that’s stupid.
Nick’s Reply: Not sure the point of this baiting but yes… he is real.
3. Hey, you remember RON? That sure was a thing, huh?
Nick’s Reply: I did a comic strip that was an elective read on CHUD. It was a thing that you don’t like. I am pretty much Hitler for doing that, huh.
4. Maybe you could do a new RON where Ron meets Batman. Maybe then people would come back to CHUD. You know, because they’re curious about Batman and stuff.
Nick’s Reply: I see what you’re saying. Because the site’s horrible now and people hate it.
5. If Ron did meet Batman, you would probably have to write some jokes, though. Here’s one to get you started:
Q: How many Batmans does it take to screw in a lighbulb?
Nick’s Reply: If I’m not mistaken you’ve been paid seven figures for writing screenplays in Hollywood. Yet you’re busting my chops.
6. I know that isn’t very funny. I’m sorry. I guess writing RON is pretty tough after all.
Nick’s Reply: RON was a couple of old friends having fun with a stream of consciousness comic strip. I can see why we really committed a major affront.
7. Hey, did I already ask where everybody went? I forget.
Nick’s Reply: Apparently a whole lot of them read my blog every day to dissect my life for material to attack me with.
Hey there, Nick. It’s Slater again. Don’t worry, this isn’t because you haven’t answered any of my questions yet. I know you can’t rush comedy gold!
Anywhoo. One quick follow-up question:
Did you complain to Proboards to get our website taken offline because…
A) All those stripper jokes were hitting a little too close to home,
B) You were angry because our dopey forums were getting more daily page hits than CHUD or GUY, which is kind of, you have to admit, hiiii-larious,
C) Too many owl jokes,
D) Was it Carl? It was, wasn’t it? We already had a talk about the “Jews” thing. All good.
E) Not enough owl jokes.
Please let me know as soon as possible, especially if it was either C or E. Because really, the owl thing is totally negotiable.
Nick’s Reply: This is the question and subject that blows my mind. I didn’t even know you HAD a message board. I certainly wouldn’t make an effort to complain about it. A few times I’d heard from Renn or Anderson about some site where the old CHUD folks were but I’ve never gone there nor paid attention to it. The only place I ever waste time being depressed by the way folks treat me and the site are on the site and Twitter. And that’s too much. So, no I had nothing to do with your site being closed down. Not a thing. Never even knew the damn name of it.
Opee Sea Killer Asks:
That place was way funnier than this place def gotta admit that
Nick’s Reply: OK, great.
Chow Yun Phat Asks:
1) Did you ruin this site on accident or on purpose?
Nick’s Reply: I didn’t ruin anything.
2) How many years ago did you lose your sense of humor?
Nick’s Reply: I have a delightful sense of humor.
3) Is burning bridges working out well for you?
Nick’s Reply: I sleep at night. I try my best to treat folks well and I try my best to give people shit right back if I feel they deserve it. In my mind the main bridge that’s burned in recent times was Devin and I’m perfectly happy with that. It’s a bridge that probably burned a few years too late. If by burning bridges with other people is what you refer to I need to know who those people are because there’s only a few folks I’ve actually BUILT any bridges with on the web.
4) When is MEG coming out?
Nick’s Reply: Probably never. Does that make you feel big?
5) Can you just draw the ending to the Bridger Chronicles on a napkin and scan it to a PDF file for me? I’m dying to know how that gripping saga ended.
Nick’s Reply: Bridger‘s a great story, which I shared a molecule of and people decided to make jokes about. I love how folks rip me for the stuff I put out there for free with no expectation or anything. Let me ask you a question now, since I have no idea who you are since you have one of worst monikers I’ve heard in a good long time: What kind of person are you pulling this kind of hurtful shit on a complete stranger whose biggest crime against you was building and keeping active a free, elective website for fifteen years for you?
1. Did you act like a giant pussy and get our boards closed?
Nick’s Reply: I didn’t even know you HAD a board, Carl. You have the wrong guy. What’s scary is that apparently there was material on there that would cause you to blame me for it closing. I would assume it was where all these ex-CHUD folks built their weak hive-minded hate towards me. Regardless, when the chips fall you guys are wrong and have wasted so much valuable energy on a person who is not only not your enemy but one of the nicest and most giving people around. So, blame someone else. Wasn’t me. And I hope I answered your question.