STUDIO: New Line Entertainment
MSRP: $24.98
RUNNING TIME: 120 Minutes

The Pitch

“What if we made a movie about the useless characters that died on the bridge during the end of Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom?”

The Humans

Robert “Paycheck” De Niro, Kathy “at least I kept my clothes on” Bates, Gabriel “I’m better than this” Byrne, Harvey “at least I kept my clothes on” Keitel and F “don’t call me Frank” Murray Abraham.

The Nutshell

An old bridge in 17th Century Peru falls and five people plummet to their death. One Priest traces their lives and deaths to ask the question: Do we live, and die, by fate or by plan?

“KFed’s autobiography is an outrage I tell you! He should be burned alive!”

The Package

Visually this movie is incredible. The cinematography is, at times, stunning and the colors are lavish. There was obviously great detail put into the film’s look and that translates on the disk as well.

The disc packaging on the other hand… The only extra is the film’s trailer. Unfortunately it is as boring as the movie is.

“This hairstyle for men will come back in style in the 1980s? Rock On!"

The Lowdown

Imagine a really boring period piece. Do your worst. Come on. Whatcha got? Something by Merchant – Ivory? No? Something worse? It doesn’t matter – The Bridge of San Luis Rey tops it. This is easily the slowest movie I’ve ever seen. Cure for insomnia slow.

That’s too bad because the movie sounds intriguing – someone investigating the five deaths for a spiritual consequence. I’m down with that. Couple that with an incredibly talented cast and that’s a recipe for a great film experience.

Not so here. The problem is two-fold. First, the movie is painfully slow. Nothing happens. Ever. If the plot crept along any slower it would go backwards.

The other problem is that the acting is bad across the board (with the exception of Byrne who is quite good). Bates seems bored through most of the movie and Keitel seems like someone slipped him the date rape drug and he just woke up confused, naked and in a bathtub full of ice. The worst, however, is De Niro. He’s been phoning it in for years, but at least it has been in comedies. You can’t complain that much about acting when you are sitting next to Eddie Murphy in crap like Showtime. But, when you are in a period piece that takes place in Peru – the least you can do is lose the New York accent.

Hope you plummet to your death if you find yourself stuck on this Bridge. It will last shorter and be far less painful than sitting through it.

2 out of 10

“Me? A Master? I’m overwhelmed, sir. But the Council elects its own members. They will never accept this."