By now you’ve probably heard that Parker Posey will be providing the voice for Optimus Prime in next summer’s Crashin’ In: A Transformers Adventure (previously known simply as Transformers 2, or T2: Judgment Day). And if you haven’t heard this, it’s only because I just made it up. But please don’t let that niggling detail throw you off the scent of a good idea, especially if you happen to be Michael Bay.
I know the fanboys will whine, but they always whine. “The Transformers are just a mushy mash of mechanical flim flams!” “Where’s Leonard Nimoy?” “My boner happened when the hot chick and Bumblebee were talking to Shia LaBeouf, and I don’t know which one did it!” All of us heard two out of three of these complaints trailing from the slobbery mouths of sun-shielding shut-ins as they ran from the darkened theater to the comfort of their Kia Rios. Since I work for a major Hollywood talent agency, I obviously don’t know the name of the man who originally voiced Optimus Prime, but I do know that Parker Posey couldn’t possibly do a more invisible job. Plus, there’s the indie cred.
You may think I’ve been in cryogenic stasis since Fargo won Best Picture, but there’s something to be said for indie cred. And Parker Posey is its avatar. How else do you think Josie and the Pussycats/Superman Stalks/Blade III: Ryan Reynolds’ Beard were able to pull in the House of Yes/Clockwatchers/Basquiat demographic? Without Posey Power, all three of those mainstream powerhouses would have died lonely deaths as critical, commercial, and financial failures.
Bay already dipped a toe in the indie pool for the first Battlebots adaptation. Amongst all the lights and cubes and whatnot, I could have sworn I saw a frame or two of that guy who screamed in the hotel room in that one Coen Brothers movie. It was almost enough to make me think Transformers the First had some indie cred. But not quite. Sure, the movie made more money than our GDP, but imagine the bank it would have banked if it was Parker Posey who raped that car-loving youngster. (I didn’t see the end of the film, but I assume it was very predictable.)
Plus, next summer has already been dubbed The Period of Posey (tentatively). She’ll already be wooing the masses in Scream 3, Part 2 and the eagerly anticipated finale of the Henry Fool trilogy, Henry Fool – Episode III: Revenge of the Grim. Can’t you imagine the E! News-worthy free publicity that would spawn from a Deep Impact/Dante’s Peak-caliber similar-movie-off? (Yes, I know Deep Impact and Dante’s Peak are entirely different movies, but tell that to the gentleman who just pulled both of them out of the Kroger discount DVD bin and tossed them into the cart with his Oreo Cakesters.)
Look, I’m not saying Transformers: Pig in the City could possibly pull in Broken English or Personal Velocity numbers, but isn’t it worth a shot? I guess what I’m trying to say is this: Parker Posey is a talented actress, and I would enjoy having sex with her.